Tossing Salt RAW Recap – April 14, 2014

Tossing Salt RAW Recap
April 14, 2014
Doug Maynard
 
Welcome to Monday and it’s me, it’s me, it’s NOT DDP.  Dougie Fresh in the house!  Holla if you hear me!  Time to do that Monday Night RAW recap thing that I sometimes do, but not always.  This is not a traditional recap, so to speak.  There are many, many of those out there for your reading enjoyment.  Instead, I watch RAW and just ramble and write, recapping not only what is happening on the show, but whatever my thoughts happen to be at that particular moment.  And it’s not always on the wrestling I’m watching.  Just warning you.  Let’s go ahead and get this started.
 
Ultimate Warrior, aka “Warrior”, Jim Hellwig – REST IN PEACE!
 
Tonight’s show is supposed to be a tribute to the Warrior.  It’d be nice if Sting was to pop up at the end of the show, drop down from the rafters in full “Crow” make-up, not say a word, but just somehow acknowledge Warrior and give a bow or something to pay his respects.  And if there was some way to have CM Punk, who was a big Warrior fan and on good terms and friendly with the man himself, come pay tribute and show his respect… that would be awesome too.
 
Woo Woo Woo.  I hope we get a Ryder sighting tonight.  They need to put him and Christian together, either as a tag team or else have Ryder back teaming with his former partner, Curt Hawkins as a strong, solid tag team with Christian as their manager / mentor.  That would be a great way to get maximum use of three talents, two who are very underused and talented and one who is among the best in the business, but plagued as of late with injuries and may be on the downside of his career.  I’m talking major money and potential here.  Just saying.  
 
In case you’re wondering, I’m just killing time right now before RAW starts.  Follow The Buzzards!
 
Autopsy reports are out today and Warrior passed away due to a major heart attack.  It was NOT drugs or steroids.  Hey Nancy Grace, on behalf of all wrestling fans, choke on that, bitch!  You were WRONG! And you’re a piece of crap!  ‘Nuff said!
 
Tomorrow is April 15th.  Irwin R. Schyster wants to remind everyone, don’t forget to pay your taxes.  Or else!!!
 
All the WWE Superstars are on the ramp and most are wearing Warrior gear. A great video package for Warrior.  Nobody does video packages quite like the WWE Production team.  And we get the tolling of the ring bell ten times.  Very respectful and very cool.  Tonight is a celebration of the life of the Ultimate Warrior. It should be a great show.  Big Warrior chant by the wrestlers and the fans.  The man definitely made his mark and left a legacy behind.
 
Rematch tonight as The Usos fight Batista and Randy Orton.  The Authority will be confronting The Shield.  And we’re having an 8-Man tournament to determine the #1 Contender for Big E Langston (Cole said the last name, so I am too) and his Intercontinental Championship.  I hope that they have an underdog win and use this to put someone new in the spotlight.  They showed graphics of the matches to start, but I didn’t get a chance to read them.  I’d love to see 3MB (any of them), Zack Ryder or The Miz win and challenge for the IC title.  Of that whole group, only Miz has the slightest chance, but I can still hope.
 
Alberto Del Rio versus Rob Van Dam is the first match in the Intercontinental Championship Top Contender tournament.  Both RVD and ADR have three names.  Winner of this fights the winner of Mark Henry versus Cesaro.  That should be a good match.  I’m calling it now.  RVD versus Cesaro in the next round.  I like RVD, but compared to the rest of the WWE roster, he seems to move in slow motion and the other guys are forced to slow down their pace to work against him.  Big E is watching on the TV from the back. I wonder if he flips the channel and watches Duck Dynasty when the camera isn’t on him?  I remember back in the old days of the Monday Night Wars, I’d be watching Nitro and then flip to RAW during the commercials.  But of course, I had my VCR record both so I didn’t miss anything.  I’ve still got all of those tapes. Who needs the WWE Network.  All of the Monday night shows, plus Smackdown and Thunder (and HEAT and WCW Main Event).  I just wish I had labeled those tapes better.  Ooops!
 
I like these tournaments. They add prestige to the titles and make them look more respectible and credible.  That kick by RVD sucked!  All air!  But the follow-up worked pretty well.  These two have no chemistry together and this match isn’t all that.  They’re picking up the pace a bit though and trying to make it work.  RVD with the five-star frog splash and the pin.  I called this one right.  RVD moves on.  More matches to come.  Daniel Bryan isn’t here – he’s off on his honeymoon with Brie Bella. We take a look back at last week and Bryan’s celebration as the new WWE World Champion.  Bryan takes a beating from Evolution minus one, but add a Kane and gets some help from The Shield.  Yes! Yes! Yes!  That was a great segment.
 
We see HHH, Batista, Orton and Steph in the back.  They’re talking and I’m missing Ric Flair.  We go back to Summerslam 1988  It’s the Honky Tonk Man and here comes The Warrior.  A quick squash and Warrior becomes the NEW Intercontinental Champion.  A great moment to be sure.  A great Toys R Us commercial with Sheamus and Big E.  I want some new action figures and toys.  And NO, they’re NOT dolls.  They’re action figures.  And they’re cool!  Yes! Yes! Yes!  ‘Nuff said!
 
So far, my phone has not rang at all and I’ve gotten no texts at all and RAW has been on for a whole 32 minutes.  Whassup with dat?  I miss The Hurricane.  
 
Back to Evolution and they’re making plans.  They’re out to get The Shield.  HHH says that The Shield reminds him of them.  I think we’re having an Evolution reunion.  We want Flair!  We want Flair!  Batista and Orton tell HHH that he’s on his own and that The Shield are on his problem and not theirs.  Oops!  I smell swerve!  But for now, HHH and Steph don’t look happy.  Believe In The Shield!  And ghosts.  They’re real.  I know this!
 
Cody Rhodes and Goldust versus Ryback and Curtis Axel are next.  Goldust looks as good as ever.  This match has three great wrestlers in it.  And Ryback too.  I just can’t get into him.  But Rybaxel are a great team and if Paul Heyman had stuck with them, they’d be over a whole lot more.  They need a manager / mentor with them.  I wonder if they’re “Real Americans”.  A “Goldberg” chant.  Gotta love the WWE fans.  Actually, Ryback versus Scott Steiner would be more fun to watch then Ryback versus Goldberg.  At least that’s my opinion.  Cody almost missed that moonsault, but it still looked pretty.  Cody versus Booker T (in his prime) would be a great match to see.  Wow!  Ryback with that stiff clothesline to get the win.  That came out of nowhere, but damn, I was impressed.  “Shades of Stan Hansen” and all that jazz.  Coming this Thursday is the debut of “Legend’s House” on The Network. This show, I want to see!  Woo-hoo!
 
Bo Dallas is coming.  And the NEW Divas Champion, Paige, is here.  She looks a lot more confident that she did last week.  We see video from last week as AJ challenged Paige and ended up as a former Champion.  It’s Paige versus Alicia Fox in our token Divas match.  Damn, Alicia is looking good.  She’s been practicing.  Paige with the Submission and Alicia taps.  That was a combination Texas Cloverleaf and a surfboard and damn, that was pretty impressive.  
 
We go back to last week and Batista and Randy Orton destroyed The Usos.  This match could really make the Usos and take them to the next level.  Grape juice is good!  It’s not as good as a Pepsi, but my kidneys need a break (and I still need to go to the grocery store in the morning.)  Why would the Usos dance before this match.  They should be more serious since this is such a big match for them.  The Usos are wearing Warrior shirts and face paint too.  Very cool!  I don’t mind Orton and Batista as a tag team.  I just don’t like watching them as singles wrestlers. Usos attack early and clear the ring.  All Uso at the start and that’s how it should be.  Orton and Batista take over as the match goes on. I’d love to see a match with Orton and Batista versus The Anderson Brothers (Ole and Gene) in their primes.  Talk about smash-mouth brutality. 
The Shield is here and they attack Orton.  Orton is out of action and The Shield have Batista surrounded.  “Superman Punch” by Reigns and Batista is sent to the floor.  Orton and Batista flee and the “Hounds of Justice” stand tall.  Believe in The Shield.  
 
Coming up is Mark Henry versus Cesaro w/ Paul Heyman.  This is the match I want to see.  Highlights of Warrior versus Hogan for the WWF title at Wrestlemania at the Skydome.  Warrior beats Hogan and wins the title.  Another great moment.  We see Orton and Batista in the back. Here’s HHH and he says, “Told you!”.  Nice segment.
 
Here is Paul Heyman.  He puts over Brock Lesnar and brags about Brock beat the streak.  The fans hate Heyman.  We see some still pics from Wrestlemania XXX as Undertaker is alone after the match and Brock breaks the streak.  A loss to Brock immortalized The Undertaker.  Watch how fast they turn though when Heyman introduces Cesaro, his new “Paul Heyman Guy”.  It’s the “King of Swing!”.  I wonder how many times that we’ll see Mark Henry swing.  Mark Henry is still one of the baddest men in the business. I hope he works heel.  Henry and Cesaro as a tag team managed by Heyman?  That would be an awesome team too.  Cesaro is relentless with those uppercuts.  A slow paced match, as to be expected, but I’m liking it.  Cesaro wins and that was kind of anti-climatic. No swinging for Henry.  Damn!  Big E looks impressed by Cesaro.  I know I am.
 
HHH tells Brad Maddox to find the Shield and tell them they’re wrestling in the main event tonight.  No mention of who they’re wrestling.  Here comes Lana and Alexander Rusev. She reminds me of the German chick from G.L.O.W.  This gimmick, so far, just doesn’t do it for me. He looks like Ted Arcirdi.  He’s fighting Xavier Woods. It’s time for some veggies.  I smell squash!  And just like that, it’s over. R-Truth is here to save his buddy.  Lana pulls Rusev away and then it’s sneak-attack time.  Rusev kicks Truth and the fans shit all over the segment.  He won, but I don’t think anyone was impressed.  YAWN!  Coming up next is Sheamus versus Jack Swagger.  WE THE PEOPLE!
 
Another look at The Warrior as he fights Rick Rude in the cage at SummerSlam in 1990.  Another great memorable moment.  The cameras followed Daniel Bryan all week at Wrestlemania XXX and they have a feature on The Network about the new WWE World Champion.  I watched part of it a few days ago.  It’s good!  Now it’s Jack Swagger versus Sheamus.  Another IC Title Contender match.  I’m going to go with Swagger.  He won the title last night at a house show and then the decision was reversed.  The ref was probably an illegal alien.  WE THE PEOPLE!  Swagger is so damn underrated.  I think it will be Swagger versus Cesaro in the finals.  I’m calling it now.  
 
This is actually a pretty good match right now.  My BFF and hetero-life-mate just texted me. He thinks it’s going to be Cesaro and Swagger in the finals.  Great minds think alike.  I’ve trained him well.  Sheamus throws a sucky-ass clotheslines, but Swagger is selling it well.  I wonder if JBL can get Zeb a part-time job on FOX News as an analyst?  Hell, give him his own show right between Greta and O’Reilly.  That just looked bad as Sheamus dived into the ring and Swagger locked in the Patriot Lock.  Brogue Kick and Sheamus wins. What the…??  I guess both Kenneth and I were wrong.  That just ain’t right!  Sheamus is selling the ankle injury. Maybe we’ll see Swagger after all if Sheamus is “injured”.  Nah, I doubt it.  The Great White wins.  I am NOT happy.  I guess now we’ll see Swagger cost Cesaro his chance at the title and they’ll end up wrestling at Extreme Rules.  New prediction.  RVD will be fighting Big E at the pay-per-view, I mean “Special Event!”  And we’ll see Heyman fight Zeb, or at least their “guys” will fight.  And all of us wrestling fans will mark out and be happy.  Sounds like a plan to me.
 
Damien Sandow is talking. And here comes The Big Show.  Sandow will not stop talking. Show doesn’t look impressed with Sandow’s ranting and raving.  He wants to be touched.  Sandow is great on the mic and this is funny.  Sandow says he deserves it.  Can you see it coming?  Show is just standing there and listening.  Punch by Big Show and that’s it.  Sandow is out cold and Show walks to the back.  Was this even a match?  Ok, that was… interesting.  You’re welcome.  At least Sandow got a lot of TV time. Zack, Miz, JTG, Tyson Kidd and Disco Inferno are all so jealous.  
 
It’s the Wyatt Family.  We’re Next!  Nice little swerve on their usual intro.  Tomorrow night, it’s Jack Swagger versus The Big Show on the Main Event.  They’re in Birmingham, AL tonight. I have some friends that live near there.  And now, “we’re here”.  It’s Bray, Erik and Luke.  The Wyatt Family in the house.  I’ll bet Bray Wyatt pays his taxes. His daddy makes sure of that.  I want a sheep mask.  Bray is calling everyone a bunch of sheep, in his own unique way.  He’s different though. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. He’s never lied to us, but John Cena has made a career out of lying to everyone.  Bray has Cena right where he wants him and Cena just needs one push.  Bray isn’t ready to slay – he wants to play.  Bray calls out Cena.  And here he comes.  Cena is on the ramp with the mic.  Cena wants to have fun. He’s in goofy mood.  I hate it when he does this.  Cena has jokes.  And Cena has pictures.  Fun with photo-shopping.  Sister Abigail jokes.  Mom jokes. Baby Wyatt.  Bray breaks on Cena about his jokes.  Cena is ready to get serious.  Cena says that the tables are turned.  Cena says that Bray is nothing without the family.  At Extreme Rules, it’s Cena versus Wyatt inside a cage.  Wyatt likes the idea.  This is his world.  Bray singes and the fans are swaying and sing with him.  Applause and the segment ends.  Bray and his antics never get old.  Later tonight, The Shield takes on mystery opponents in the main event.  Maybe it’s The Freebirds?  Nah, Buddy Roberts and Terry Gordy are dead.  RIP.  I know who it is.  In the main event, it’s The Shield versus Three Count!  Maybe?  Guess we’ll have to wait and see.
 
Santino and Emma are here. And here comes Fandango and Layla. Who ever knew that Layla could dance. Fandango broke up with Summer Rae over Twitter.  Gotta love the 21rst century way of doing things.  It’s mixed tag action. So if Santino dressed like Santina, would he be wrestling Layla?  Emma with the Shades of Taijari tarantula, called the “Dilemma”.  How does Layla wrestle in that dress?  Very well I guess.  Layla just pinned Emma.  
 
Stephanie is in the back and dressing down Kane.  Kane apologizes, but to no avail.  Steph is in total bitch-mode.  Steph calls Kane weak and a shadow of what he used to be.  This is a Stephanie McMahon pep talk.  She wants to know what happened to Kane.  Kane stands up and stares at Steph before staring at his mask.  He picks up the mask and the fans cheer.  Kane says he’s going to send Daniel Bryan to the depths of hell.  Steph looks please and I guess the old Kane is back.  Big Red Machine / Monster Kane versus Bray Wyatt?  Wouldn’t that be fun to watch?  Maybe one day, but for now, I guess we get Kane versus Daniel Bryan and Kane versus The Shield first.  Works for me.  
 
I changed my mind.  It won’t be Three Count against The Shield.  That would be silly. It will be The Mulkey Brothers and Rocky King.  Mulkey-Mania forever!!  Whoo-hoo!  Or maybe not, but I’d mark out big time and I know you would too.  Admit it!  I admit it. I’m a Boliever.
 
It’s “Warrior Week” on The Network.  And we go back to last week and see the final appearance of The Warrior as he cut his promo to the live RAW audience.  It’s weird to watch now, especially since it all seems to  predict and reflect on what was to come less than 24 hours later.  Rest In Peace, Warrior.  
 
Bad News Barrett and Dolph Ziggler are the next up.  This should be a good match too.  That robe that Barrett is wearing makes him look like the Ruler of Sparta.  Very Romanesque.  Barrett tries to get a “Bad News” chant going.  It doesn’t work.  It would have in New Orleans. Dolph has one of the best dropkicks in the business. “Shades of Hardcore Holly” dropkick by Dolph.  Wade keeps control though. Wade is a throwback to the old-school look and style of wrestling.  He would have been perfect for the “Attitude Era” of wrestling.  He should be really big now, but alas, it’s not to be yet.  His day will come though.    CM Punk chant.  Haven’t heard one of those in a while.  Barrett hits “Wasteland” and Ziggler kicks out.  Dolph with the “Shades of Billy Gunn” Famouser for a two count.  Dolph with a superplex attempt which doesn’t work, but Dolph does hit with an X-Factor move from the corner.  Two count city and the fans are getting into it.  Wade with the “Bull Hammer” and the pin.  Dolph gets some bad news as Barrett takes home the win.  Next week, we get Cesaro versus RVD and Sheamus versus Barrett.
 
We get a video reminding us of who Kane is.  Isn’t it great how the WWE managed to put together a video less than an hour after Kane decided to reclaim his mask and become evil again.  That’s why they’re the best in the business.  And next, it’s The Shield.  Who are they wrestling?  How about Stevie Richards, Nova and The Blue Meanie?  Yeppers, I’m calling it now. “We’re Taking Over!”.  It’s the bWo.  Or maybe not!
 
On Smackdown on Friday, it’s Sheamus versus Batista.  I won’t be watching.  I have to work.  The Shield is here.  I hate those masks though.  They don’t need them, but I guess it’s merchandise to sell and make money for the WWE.  Capitalism at it’s best.  Good for them.  Alberto Del Rio is out. He’s their opponent?  Jack Swagger comes out next.  Fandango is next out.  We get the 3MB!  Hell yes!  Titus O’Neil is next.  Rybaxel are the next two out.  Alexander Rusev is the next man out.  Bad News Barrett is next.  It’s eleven on three.  It’s the “ultimate” handicap match.  “Lunatic Fringe” Dean Ambrose?  I like that nickname.   And it all breaks lose.  OINGO BOINGO time. The ref calls for the bell.  It’s a slaughter as everyone jumps on The Shield.  I guess karma is being a bitch.  Where are the other “good guys” to make the save?  And HHH, Randy Orton and Batista are here.  They’re coming to the ring to join in the fun.  It’s freakin’ Evolution!  HHH sends everyone to the back and it’s time for him and his partners to have their moment of fun.  Three-on-one beatdown on Rollins.  Reigns is up and  fights back but eats an RKO.  Batista-Bomb on Reigns. This reminds me so much of the old nWo beat-downs and attacks.  All we’re missing is spray-paint.  RKO for Rollins, followed by a Batista-Bomb. And Ambrose tries to fight back, but gets a Batista-Bomb as well.  HHH looks HHappy and taunts Roman Reigns.  Roman gets up and Orton / Batista hold him up while HHH says “Believe in Evolution” and delivers a pedigree.  Evolution stands tall with arms raised as the show ends.
 
And that’s it.  A damn good show.  No Sting, but no complaints either.  I keep hearing rumors of “War Games” being a part of Extreme Rising. Well, I think the seeds have been planted and that would be the right way to go.  The Shield and Daniel Bryan versus Evolution and Kane.  If you want to see this happen, give me a hell yeah!  HELL YEAH!
 
Match Results…
 
RVD beat Alberto Del Rio
Rybaxel defeated Cody Rhodes and Goldust
Paige defeated Alicia Fox
Randy Orton and Batista defeated The Usos by DQ when The Shield got involved.
Cesaro w/ Paul Heyman defeated Mark Henry
Alexander Rusev w/ Lana beat Xavier Woods.
Sheamus defeated Jack Swagger w/ Zeb Colter
Big Show knocked out Damien Sandow
Fandango and Layla beat Santino and Emma
Bad News Barrett beat Dolph Ziggler
The Shield beat Del Rio, 3MB, Rusev, Titus, Rybaxel, Swagger, Barrett and Fandango by DQ.
 
And with that, the show is over and so am I.  I have a column to go write for tomorrow. Have a great night and thanks for reading.  I’m Doug and I’m out of here. Take care!
 
Ubuntu!
 
 

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