Every morning, I wake up eager to start a new day
and then, at the first noise, I’m wishing that I didn’t have to get up
I cringe at the thought of interaction with my family
I get anxious at the thought of leaving the house
I want to hide away
avoid everyone and everything
I want to be alone

And when I’m alone
I desire company and friends
I want someone to laugh with
and talk to
and be a part of their being
I want it so bad

and then they call
I cringe and retreat at the sound of the phone
I’m welcome and they want my company
I love it
it scares the hell out of me
so I say no
and make excuses
or finally give in and go along with the plan
unable to enjoy the moments because I’m holding my breath
and anticipating for when it’s over

I like people
I hate people
I like company
I hate company
my friends and family and the world
it makes me happy
my friends and family and the world
scares the hell out of me
and makes me sad

I wish I could start again
or just go away forever
my head is messed up
my body hurts constantly
I’m just messed up
this is my life
it wasn’t always like this
but things change
people change
life is made of changes
and I changed

the show must go on
I must go on
but damn if I won’t be relieved
when the director yells cut
for the final time…

September 18, 2016