Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day One: 5:30, Egg Nog, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, and Ultimate X.
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a Partridge in a pear tree. Why, when I hear this, I picture Danny Bonaduce dressed up like the Crocodile Hunter, sitting in a tree stand with binoculars, looking around and saying, “Here comes Santa. Oh, he’s a big boy. We’re gonna get him this year!” Maybe it’s just me. No, it’s not.

Welcome to the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. This was once a regular tradition here at the site, but I had a few rough years and got lazy. But, I’m back, babies. So what this is, it’s quite simple, actually. 12 days straight of A Day of Dougie, starting today and hopefully ending on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or somewhere in that area. And one of the topics of discussion each day will be holiday-related. It’s my gift to all of you loyal readers. I’d do more, but I don’t have your addresses, plus I’m broke. I’m doing what I can, though, and this is for each of you. Hey, it’s better than fruitcake.

So let’s get to work, shall we? I need topics of discussion to discuss, right? Let’s get the Magic Bag and see what we come up with. By the way, I added forty-eight new, holiday-related topics to the Bag a few days ago, so I hopefully won’t have to search too far before finding one. And the topics for today, Day One, are 5:30, Egg Nog, and Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. And I’m adding in four Ultimate X questions as well. Do I love you, or what? These topics, though? That’s the fun thing about random drawings. They can’t all be winners. Let’s do this.

5:30

What inspired this topic, I have absolutely no idea. Maybe I was at work, glanced at the clock, and said to myself, “It’s 5:30. Write that down!” Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the ABC store had a rush every day around 5:30 for the getting off work rush? Maybe I was just channeling my inner Jimmy Buffett, mixed with some procrastination, saying, “It’s 5:30 somewhere.” I honestly don’t know. But I’ve gotten a paragraph out of the topic, so I can move on to more disgusting things. So, let’s move on.

Name something from the past we need to bring back?

Respect, common sense, pride, friends hanging out together, and bonfires.

If you had a toxic quality, what would it be?

My toxic quality, and I do have one, we all do, would be my inability to reach out and let people in. Too many scars and betrayals have built up high walls, as we need at the Mexican Border, and when someone gets too close, I push them away before giving them a chance. I’m an open book in many ways, but my library still has a restricted section, and that area is very limited in who is and isn’t allowed in.

Egg Nog

This stuff is so damn nasty, and yet people seem to love it for some reason. When I worked at the ABC, we’d start getting the Holiday Nog in with the November liquor order and had to stash it in the back to keep from running out in less than a week. We were limited in how much we were allowed to order, so if we wanted to have any available for Christmas, we had to stretch things out.

But how do people drink this stuff? My stepdad used to get a bottle for us when he was still living, and after a little Wild Turkey was added, it wasn’t totally awful, but it wasn’t good either. Actually, I just liked the Wild Turkey. Hey, no judgment. I was young, and any chance to get blitzed, I was taking it. Ray liked it. Mom would fix one glass and walk around with it all night. And my then-teenage self would drink several glasses, but leave out the Nog mix. I just wanted the Wild Turkey. It’s nasty, and I won’t touch it now, but it was a family tradition for many years. Damn, now I’m craving Wild Turkey. Let’s move on.

What tastes good both hot & cold?

Wild Turkey. I can drink it straight or on the rocks. But truthfully, although I’m not lying about the Wild Turkey, I think this question refers to food. So, both hot and cold? Chicken, Pizza, leftover Chinese food, and Ham.

What are you starting to love as you get older?

Naps, spankings, and quiet nights alone, watching a movie or reading a book.

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

I remember this from the classic Nat King Cole song, The Christmas Song. I guess it’s supposed to present an image of family, of tender moments, of holiday intimacy, etc. But who the hell does this? I’ve seen plenty of nuts by the bonfire, but I don’t think any of them were Chestnuts, and it certainly had nothing to do with the holidays or Christmas. What the hell even is a chestnut? I know almonds, pecans, walnuts, and coconuts, but I can’t recall ever walking into Walmart and seeing a display for Chestnuts in Aisle Three. Maybe I just wasn’t looking hard enough, but I hate that store, so it’s all okay. I’d better move on before this gets too dirty. All sorts of comments and jokes are popping up in my head for this topic, and this is supposed to be a family-friendly novelette. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a perv, unless he’s really cute. And then, let’s talk about nuts. But for this, let’s move on and wrap things up.

Name a place you have been to, but have no desire to visit again.

The Scotland County Jail. It’s been a long while, and I still maintain that I was set up and framed, but regardless, that place sucked. I’m never going back.

In your personal opinion, what is the most beautiful animal on earth?

Mouthie. Who else?

And there you go. Day One is over and in the books. Well, on the site, but you get the idea. Thanks for reading, and thanks again to everyone for the continued support. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here today without the love and support of the readers of this site, both of you. I’m signing off for now. I have laundry to do, plus I need to go check on Mom. I’ll be back tomorrow with Day Two and lots more stuff. Mouthie, Sparky, and the Straybies all say hi, meow, and give me treats. We love ya. And Merry Christmas from the Family.

Ubuntu!