Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day Ten: Rumors, The One, Rikki Tikki Tavi, and Ultimate X
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to meTen lords a-leaping. So, are they froggie-lords? Maybe they have ants in their pants? Maybe they saw a spider? Or worse, a spider-cricket. I don’t like spider-crickets. Yeah, they’re supposedly harmless. Supposedly harmless, my ass. I once had a terrifying encounter with a spider-cricket. I wrote about it here: https://dougmaynard.com/2017/04/22/an-epic-tale-of-adventure/. True story.

So, here we are, just a few days from Christmas. And just three more, including this one, of the 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas to go. After that, we’ll go back to regular Days of Dougie. I’ll probably be hitting my 5,000th post for the site before the year ends as well. I write too damn much. I need to get focused one day and write a book or a movie. I’ll think on that. Now, let’s think about the here and now. Day Ten. So, off to the infamous Magic Bag I go, looking for topics of discussion. We have Rumors, The One, and Rikki Tikki Tavi. Add a few Ultimate X Questions, and I believe we’ve got the makings of an epic piece of literary genius. Maybe. We’ll see. Now, let’s boogie.

Rumors

I hate to admit it, but I love rumors. I love to hear good gossip. Especially when the rumors are about me. Yeah, people love to talk and make things up. And sometimes, they’re pretty wild. I’ve heard some doozies about myself, and I wish my life were half that exciting. So, what can I say about this topic? Let’s make up some rumors. A source, very close to me, recently unveiled some hidden possible truths that may or may not be true. But you didn’t hear this from me.

Actors Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes are considering a run for President and Vice President of the United States in 2028. Jason says to the rumors, “What else do we have the fuck to do?”, while Kevin Smith had no comment.

Boy George, Marilyn Manson, and Miss Piggy are among the top contenders for Playboy Magazine’s 2025 Playmate of the Year.

The chicken by-products in the Chicken Noodle Soup you’re eating are actually diced Ostrich.

Comedian Brad Williams is on the shortlist to be cast as the next James Bond. It’s coming down between him and former SNL star Pete Davidson.

And finally, singer Donny Osmond is currently in the studio, recording a new album with The Real Roxanne, Cheech & Chong, and Hank Williams III. It’s going to be a Christmas album.

The more you know. Let’s move on.

What’s something everyone loves about Christmas but you can’t stand?

I like Christmas, so nothing comes to mind. Most of the things I despise, others despise as well. How about the movie, Elf? Will Ferrell gets on my nerves.

If you are unvaccinated, how many times have you gotten sick with Covid?

I am unvaccinated, worked two jobs during the pandemic as an essential worker, and never got sick with COVID-19. I never took the jab. Meanwhile, every other employee at the ABC, and most of the others at the Food Bank, all got Covid, more than once. They all took the jab.

The One

The One? I guess it’s better than being The Two or the Tenth. But I remember hearing somewhere that The One is the loneliest number. I’ve never wanted to be The One. I like to let The One take all the crap, deal with the headaches, and handle any issues. I preferred to be The Two because I could work without the pressure, handle things, and enjoy the positives without the headaches. The Two gets the benefits without the baggage. The only One I want to be is The One in your hearts. That works well for me.

If you could shoot anything from a cannon, what would you pick?

Live Turkeys. I was watching that episode of WKRP last night on Tubi, and can you imagine, instead of dropping live turkeys from a helicopter over a mall, just using them as a human cannonball and shooting live turkeys at Christmas shoppers in the parking lot at Cross Creek Mall? It would be awesome chaos and an event that would never be forgotten. And I could stand on the roof of the mall, watching it all unfold, and saying, “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!” Canned hams would be fun as well.

What’s your favorite plant or flower?

I’ve always had a thing for yellow roses. Giant Venus Fly-Traps are cool too, but I suspect our dog, or the Straybies, might have a problem with that last one.

Rikki Tikki Tavi

I remember this cartoon from when I was a kid. A mongoose, Rikki, takes up with a family and has to keep the cobras out of the garden. Rikki kills the Daddy snake, but has some back and forth with Mama Cobra, and has to destroy her eggs. I think it’s based on a book. Oh yeah, Rudyard Kipling, the same guy who wrote The Jungle Book, wrote this. I don’t think I ever read the book, but I have seen the cartoon many times as a kid. The cartoon was made in 1975. It was streaming on Disney+ a few years ago, but it’s not there now. It’s a cool cartoon. If you get a chance, and enjoy seeing ass-clown Cobras face justice, check it out sometime.

What do you think is the most annoying quality a person can have?

The people with the superior attitude, who act like they’re better than everyone else, smarter than everyone else, etc. I hate a snooty-ass wanna-be know-it-all.

Everybody is addicted to something. What are you addicted to?

Music, writing, cats, and love. And videos from YouTube.

And there you go. Ten down and two more to go, and that’ll bring us right up on Christmas Day. Yeah, it’s been a wild ride. Thanks for reading, and for the continued support. I’ll be back tomorrow. Have a great one, and Merry Christmas, my peeps. I loves ya!

Ubuntu!