An Epic Tale of Adventure…
April 22, 2017
So, there I am, jumping into the shower. Time for a quick wash s I can head uptown in a little bit to see all there is to see in our fair town. I just turn on the water and jump in. I quickly adjust the water to a nice and hot flow and quickly soap up. Grab the shampoo and quickly lather up my head. I want to look and smell my best this lovely morning, but time is wasting so I don’t worry about being fancy. It’s just wash and go.
I move my head up under the showerhead and feel the soap and shampoo rinsing off my body. I keep moving my head around to make sure that my hair gets well rinsed with no shampoo residue and then, out of the corner of my eye, I see it.
In the shower with me, over tucked in the far corner, leering at me with evil eyes and obviously nasty intent, is one of those damn spider-crickets.
And it’s not just a small one. This one is huge, as big as my hand. And it’s there… in the shower… with me.
I did what any self-respecting macho man would do…
I screamed like a little girl and nearly killed myself jumping out of the shower.
I also kind of, sort of, pulled down the shower rod and curtain in my haste to get away from the nasty little creature.
Have I mentioned that I hate spider-crickets? They give me the creeps.
I jump out of the shower, tripping on my way out and nearly impaling myself on the shower rod.
All in all, not a pretty sight.
And then, after pulling mysrlf together and regaining my composure, I look back… and it’s still there.
In the corner of the bathtub, next to the shampoo bottle and not moving.
I reach into the tub and turned off the water, but never ever taking my eyes off that dastardly creature.
I pulled myself together and decided that this was a declaration of war. That damn creature from the pits of hell had invaded my space, disrupted my shower and damn it all, it was time for some major payback and revenge.
I was going to take that creature’s soul and life.
I was going to kill it!
I reached over and grabbed a paper towel from off of the bathroom sink. It still isn’t moving so I’m assuming that it’s probably in shock from the hot water and the soap / shampoo fumes from my shower. I just figure I can grab it with the paper towel and then slam it down the toliet. Hit the flush and drown the disgusting little creature and rid my life of it’s foul presence forever.
I move my hand towards it and am ready to slam the paper towel down around the mobile monster’s body when all of sudden, the spider cricket does the worst thing possible.
It jumps from the corner and towards me, with eyes blazing red, antenna flashing in the lights and all eight legs poised and ready for Ninja-mode attack.
So I did what any self-respecting grown man would do in the face of such an attack.
I screamed again like a little girl and quickly backed out of the room, nearly tripping over my cat, who had come to watch the excitement and was now watching me with a look of total disgust and disdain on her face.
As I tried to keep from falling, the insane, bloodthirsty creatures leap of doom fell short and he went down into the bathtub instead of making it to his intended victim and possible meal, me.
He had blood in his eyes and I knew that if he had managed to reach me with that determined leap, I would have been a goner for sure. But fate, and having a ig bath tub, had intervened.
He was in the bathtub now and trapped. The sides are too slick for him to climb out and are too high for him to jump free so he was trapped. And after analyzing the situation, from the hallway, I realized and knew that our battle was nearly over.
I reached for the bathroom door after finally getting dried off and dressed, all the while never taking my eyes off that refugee from the realm of nightmares, which kept trying to escape the bathtub of doom. I went over and fixed the curtain rod, but my eyes remained focused on that horrific creature, trying to come at me with several manic jumps, his little spider-cricket teeth exposed and bared.
And then, when I felt that everything was in order and it was time for that little spawn of Satan to finally die, I made the move that sealed it’s fate. With one last glance at the demon spawn, I did what I had to do.
I called for Mom.
She came quickly. wondering what all the noise had been about. I stood back and just pointed towards that evil bug from hell, in the bath tub, with it’s blazing eyes, spiked legs and foul presence. But it wasn’t there. Not the giant-sized monster that had been tormenting me, but just a small cricket, not even as big as my pinky fingernail.
Ma looked at it… and then she looked at me.
She reached for a paper towel and quickly grabbed the shape-changing beast.
Without a word, she then chunked the paper towel, complete with the fresh corpse, into the toliet. One flush later, it was all over and he was gone.
She just looked at me with a disgusted look on her face.
My cat was still in the doorway, watching it all, and she had a disgusted look on her face as well.
“Anything else?”, Ma asked.
“No, I’m good!”, I said.
Without another word, she turned and left the room.
I closed the bathroom door and started to brush my teeth, while also reflecting on the events of the past few minutes.
I won the battle and the foul, disgusting evil creature was gone.
But at what a cost? Boy, what a cost!
I hate a damn spider-cricket!