Thirty Days of Dougie III – Day 15: The Horsemen versus The WWE

December 16, 2013

So I’m here and I’m kind of bored and I have wrestling on the mind. Is it going to be an edition of pro wrestling’s most eclectic column, the infamous “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News”? Nah, I don’t think so. When I bring that back, and have no doubts, it will be coming back at some point, I want to do it right. This is just something that was a part of the “Tossing Salt Universe” that I did occasionally in the column. It’s what I called “One On One”.

And if you remember correctly, I would do some fantasy match-making and then try to determine who would win each match. Simple, but always fun. And I’m doing it again with some classic matches between the most elite and iconic wrestling faction of ALL TIME, The Horsemen versus the WWE Stars of today. So let’s just jump to it and make the matches. And by the way, Jeff Jarrett is NOT a Horseman. That’s what Arn Anderson says in his book and what “Double A” says is what goes. ‘Nuff said!

The particpants for the “Horseman” team are: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, Ole Anderson, Barry Windham, Lex Luger, Sid Vicious, Brian Pillman, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Curt Hennig, Paul Roma and Steve “Mongo” McMichael.

And their rivals, from the 2013 WWE Superstar roster, we have Triple H, CM Punk, Mark Henry, Alberto Del Rio, Dolph Ziggler, The Big Show, Daniel Bryan, Bray Wyatt, The Shield, Randy Orton and John Cena.

And how I’m doing the matches is pretty simple too. Random drawing. Two boxes, each filled with tiny scraps of papers with names written on them. I draw from the Horseman box and then from the WWE box and that’s the match. In the case of The Shield, I’ll draw three Horseman names to determine their opponents. Let’s do this.

The Horsemen versus The WWE Universe

Ole Anderson versus Randy Orton

Man, this would be an awesome match to see Ole, in his prime, taking on “The Viper”. Two men who basically wrestle instead of brawl, but do it with attitude and, dare I say it, ruthless agression. Ole is just a tough old S.O.B. and would push Randy to the limits and beyond. But as much I hate to admit it, since I’m definitely an Anderson fan, I think Randy would have the advantage in speed and endurance and that would make the difference. Randy would take a beating like he hasn’t seen since his daddy last spanked his hiney, but in the end, he would still come out on top.

Winner: Randy Orton

Dean Malenko versus Daniel Bryan

It’s showtime folks with a clinic in pure wrestling by two of the very best ever. Malenko has the edge (slightly) in strength, but Bryan has it in speed. These guys would be so evenly matched, it’s not even funny and it honestly could go either way at the drop of a hat. I’ll just flip a coin on this one since they’re both that damn good. And the winner would be… Daniel Bryan.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

Chris Benoit versus The Big Show

Benoit was nothing but pure intensity and determination. Big Show is power personified. Show would dominate most of the match, but I think he’d get worn out pretty quickly and the tenacity of Benoit would take over. Gotta go with the Crippler here.

Winner: Chris Benoit

Paul Roma versus Dolph Ziggler

Pretty Paul Roma against The Show Off. This would actually, in my mind, be a close match and steal the show. We all talk about how Roma was not a good pick for the Horsemen, but he was a good talent in the ring and could hold his own against anyone. And I think he proved when he was teaming later on with Paul Orndorff that he was a top talent for WCW. Roma is good, but I think Dolph is ready to break out and really be a big time player and in the end, he’d be too much for Roma to handle.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Ric Flair, Flyin’ Brian Pillman & Curt Henning versus THE SHIELD

As much as I like The Shield and the things they can do in that ring, we’re talking about the “Nature Boy”, the “Loose Cannon” and “Mr. Perfect” here on the other side of the ring. And while it would be a great and competitive match, is there really any kind of doubt who would walk out with their arms raised in victory?

Winners: Ric Flair, Brian Pillman and Curt Hennig

Sid Vicious versus Triple H

Sid is a big man, called “Psycho”, with a lot of good power moves. Triple H is the “Cerebral Assassin” and he’s earned that nickname many times over. Sid is tough, but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. HHH outsmarts and outwrestles Sid and takes home the win.

Winner: Triple H

Tully Blanchard versus Mark Henry

Tully is the thinking man’s wrestler and would try to wear down and out-wrestle Mark Henry. Mark is the power man and would just attempt to out-muscle Tully. Tully would dodge and weave and just try to stay away from Henry, with a rope-a-dope hit and run attack. Henry would wear himself out trying to catch Tully and in the end, it would go to the “Super Brat” for the win.

Winner: Tully Blanchard

Steve “Mongo” McMichael versus John Cena

Mongo is a legit tough guy outside the ring. Inside the ring, he just plain sucked. He tried, but he’s no John Cena in that ring. Cena, for all his faults, is a good performer, a tough hombe and a decent wrestler. It wouldn’t take him very long to put Mongo away and take home the victory.

Winner: John Cena

Lex Luger versus CM Punk

Luger, in his prime, had one of the best bodies in the world. CM Punk doesn’t have a great body, but he’s one of the best performers and wrestlers in the world. Again, like so many other matches listed here, it would be a fun match to watch. But the outcome really isn’t in any doubt. The nod goes to the “Best In The World”.

Winner: CM Punk

Arn Anderson versus Alberto Del Rio

“The Enforcer” versus the muilti-time World Champion. Another match that would be a contrast in styles, but fun to watch. Arn and Del Rio have a similar style in that they’re both focused, more mat orientated wrestlers. They don’t leave the ground too often, and when they do, it’s usually not one of their better moves. Both like to focus on the arm with Del Rio using the “Cross-Armbreaker” as his finisher and Arn, being an Anderson, was trained to focus on one body part (usually the arm) and just break it down. Arn has the strength advantage, while I think Del Rio would have the edge in speed and mat wrestling moves. It would easily go for a long time before anyone could achieve any kind of domination. And while there might be a lot of people that disagree, considering the differences in the levels of their success, I think in the end, it would be “Double A” who walked out on top and, as Dusty Rhodes used to say, took that trip to the pay window.

Winner: Arn Anderson

Barry Windham versus Bray Wyatt

Barry Windham against his nephew, Bray Wyatt. How cool is that. It would be a fun match to watch and the contrast in styles would make it even more interesting. Bray is the more interesting character and far more unorthadox in his wrestling, but we really haven’t had a chance to see what he can really do in a long match or against a variety of opponents. Barry is and was one of the best wrestlers of all time, who could either brawl or wrestle with the best of them. Bad gimmicks hurt his career, but in the ring, he took a back seat to no one. This would be fun to watch, but I don’t think anyone can argue who, if both men were to compete, would come out on top.

Winner: Barry Windham

And there you have it. The Horsemen win 5 of the matches, while the WWE Superstars take home 6 wins. Damn! I thought the Horsemen would do better, but it was the luck, or bad luck if you will, of the draw. Still, these were fun matches to analyze and think / write about.

And with that, I’m out of here. Thoughts and comments are welcome.

Ubuntu!