Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions By Casper
Led Zeppelin, Manners, Karma & Much More
September 12, 2021
DougMaynard.com

I have found a person, who shares a surname with a friendly ghost, who likes to ask random questions. And you know me. I love to answer random questions. Nothing is off-topic around here. And thusly, here we go. It’s Questions By Casper and it all starts right now.

If you can go back in time to when you were 18 years old, what advice (non-financial) would you give your 18-year-old self in THREE WORDS?

Only three words to my stupid-ass 18-year-old self? I guess it would be “Come Out Now!”. I spent too many years playing the stupid games and questioning myself before I was able to just relax and be me, the sarcastic homo that I am. I could have avoided a lot of heartache and pain if I had just had someone confront me and speak those three words.

What is something you used to believe, but no longer believe?

That our political leaders, for the most part, had good intentions and meant well. As the past six years have proven time and time again, the vast majority don’t give a rat’s ass about any of us and are all about the power and control, especially those with a “D” after their name.

What’s the best bathroom joke you’ve ever read?

I don’t remember too many bathroom jokes, but I do remember rhymes. “Here I sit, broken hearted. Came to shit and only farted!” – followed by “Here I sit, proud and tall, taking a shit while reading the bathroom wall!”. Two of the classics.

Have you ever run with scissors?

What? And risk putting my eye out? My fat ass don’t run anyways and with a pair of scissors in my hands, only sometimes.

Do you have good manners?

Yes, I had some upbringing. Hold the door open, say “Sir” and “Ma’am” (when I can tell the difference), please, thank you, and all of that friendly, polite crap.

Led Zeppelin… Thoughts?

One of the top bands of the ’70s who made some damn good music. I’m not a big fan, but Robert Plant, the lead singer, is damn good and the band was tight and impressive and had much success. They’re no Alice Cooper of course, but then again, who is?

When was the last time someone held the door for you?

Yesterday at work as I came back from lunch. I wear big old Frankenstein boots and use a cane to walk so people often feel sorry for me and will hold the door. And I always say thank you because I had an upbringing and I’m polite like that.

When was the last time you held the door for someone?

Again, it was yesterday. If I open a door and someone is coming, I’ll hold it for them to get through. My Mama raised me right.

When was the last time you smiled at a complete stranger?

Yesterday at work. I always smile at all the cute guys, or at least smirk a bit, but with these damn face masks on, who can freakin’ tell? But I do try to be polite and friendly to my customers, especially if they’re cute or sexy.

Do you ever intentionally irritate others?

No, of course not. It’s not intentional. I’m just naturally irritating at times. It’s part of my charm.

Do people intentionally do things to irritate you?

All the damn time, those dweebs. It doesn’t take much to get on my nerves, to be honest about it, but I can usually just grit my teeth and bear it. But some people seem to enjoy pissing me off or trying to see if they can make me snap. Believe me, they do not want that to happen.

How many pet peeves do you have?

No peeves at all. I have two beautiful cats and an annoying, but well-meaning dog. Those are all the pets I currently have.

Are elephants really afraid of mice?

I have no idea. Go ask an elephant and maybe they will tell you.

Do you know how to Dougie?

I am Dougie and hear me roar. Everything I do, I am doing a Dougie because that’s my name and who I am. So I would say, “Yes!”.

Am I the only one who looks better with more clothes on?

Well, Mr. Casper, I haven’t seen you naked so I can’t say for sure, but no, I don’t think so. I’m a sexy beast, but I’m also the first to admit that I’m fat with a big ass and not the most attractive person in the world when naked. I definitely look better with my clothes are on… BUT when the clothes do come off, I can do the guys better than they ever imagined and my big belly is quickly forgotten. Yeah, when properly motivated, I am that damn good and any guys who don’t believe me, come over and prove me wrong. Your brother knows. Your best friend knows. And if you’re cute, you’ll find out if you’re willing to take the challenge. In the words of Wanda from In Living Color, I’ll rock your world! ‘Nuff said!

What’s up buttercup?

I am washing and drying clothes. I hate doing laundry, but I hate wearing dirty clothes even more. I need a housekeeper/cook/pool boy.

Do you ever feel like you still have a hat on even after having it off for hours?

Nah, because I rarely wear hats and don’t like things on my head (except for a strong pair of hands). But I do have that weird feeling with my glasses sometimes.

Hunter Biden’s art sales are as fake as Joe Biden’s election win! Wouldn’t you agree?

If a person with the name Biden is involved, you know that pedophile activity, lying, cheating, and dishonesty are involved. And in Hunter’s case, naked hookers and crack as well.

How do you think God takes his coffee?

However hewants.

Do you prefer your baked goods baked all the way through or still a bit doughy in the middle?

Baked all the way through. I’m more into the crispy than the chewy.

Why would anyone back Newsom? California is a mess. That guy sucks large donkey balls.

That poor donkey. Are you sure it isn’t just Obama instead? After all, he is a total jackass? Why anyone with half-a-brain or more would support that idiot, I have no idea. But then again, we are talking about California and they keep re-electing Drunky Pelosi and Mad Maxine, aka Auntie Crazy Pants, so being smart or having common sense isn’t necessarily a big thing there from what I can tell.

What is the point of having a stuffed pizza?

Because it’s good to eat. That’s all that matters.

What is something that doesn’t belong on pizza? And why is it anchovies?

Little baby dead fishies do not belong anywhere, but maybe inside the fish tanks at Wal-Mart. They sure as hell don’t belong on a piece of food.

What is the most exotic topping on a pizza?

Hell if I know. Pineapple, coconut, or any kind of nuts I would guess.

Have you ever witnessed instant karma?

I told a story about a dose of instant karma in an edition of the True Life Stories From Convenient Store Hell a few days ago. TJ fired my friend and was stuck alone in a store he didn’t know anything about or how to run. Oops!

Do you ever self-medicate?

Unfortunately, no, I do not. I wish I had the time to do so, but rarely do. I could use a good drink or ten right about now.

Why is your best friend your “best friend”?

Because he’s soft and fuzzy and so damn cute and makes me feel so loved when he rubs his head up against my chin-whiskers while I gently stroke his little furry little neck and back and listen to him purr. Oh wait, that’s my cat. My best friend, aka my Bro-Son? That’s the question of the day. We have a big age difference, little in common, different interests, and we both do things that leave the other sometimes scratching their heads and sighing heavily, but none of that matters. My best friend is someone I trust, love, respect, and I know that I can count on, and knows I’ll always have his back, period. He’s my rock when I need one and for whatever reason, it just seems to work. So why ask why? Just know that my BFF is better than yours and that’s really all that matters.

And there you go. My thanks to Casper for the questions. Go meet and follow this man on Twitter at @Ghostly_Host. Follow me too while you’re there at @Doug28352. And with that, I’m out of here. Thanks for reading. Any comments, thoughts, or questions are welcome. And any guys tempted to call my bluff, I don’t bluff. Just bring it. Okay, I’m gone. Have a great one, stay safe, and I’ll see you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!