Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #46
Random Twitter Q&A
April 18, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

Would you rather have amazingly fast typing/texting speed or be able to read ridiculously fast?

I’m already a pretty fast reader, so I’ll go with the texting & typing speed improvements. I can type fast, but my one-finger-at-a-time texting technique leaves much to be desired.

Would you like to live forever? Why or why not?

Nope. To live forever would mean seeing those that I love pass away and leave me, always alone and apart from everyone else. Just imagine knowing that everyone you know and love will one day die while you’re life just goes on and on. That’s depressing as heck.

Which fictional character’s death left you devastated?

I don’t know about being devastated, but when Roseanne “died” and her show was taken away from her and reformatted into The Conners, that caused some aches and pains in my heart over the injustice.

If someone is threatening to hurt you but never actually does anything count as abuse?

Yes, it does. It’s called verbal abuse and it may not cause physical damage, but it’s just as bad.

Would you rather explore space or the ocean?

My fat ass is not going into space unless it’s like something on Saturday morning television where a friend and I accidentally hijack a spaceship and travel from planet to planet, having adventures as we try to find our way back home to Earth. I’d much rather do the underwater thing, living in a huge submarine and traveling across the ocean floor, looking for Atlantis, the Krusty Krab, or something of that nature.

Do you like clowns?

No, they taste funny. Okay, I’m kidding. I don’t mind clowns so long as they’re not holding balloons or trying to lure me into the woods or the sewer. Just do magic tricks and give people pies in the face and we’re cool. Try to get all creepy and psycho on me though and we’re going to have problems.

Which Orange Soda is the G.O.A.T?

Does Orange Juice count as orange soda? Probably not so let’s go with the Fanta Orange instead. Sunkist is okay too, but Fanta has a better overall flavor in my opinion.

Did you believe in the Easter Bunny when you were a kid?

What do you mean, “When you were a kid?”. The Easter Bunny is real, damn it! I saw him at the mall when I was a kid. Speaking of the Easter Bunny, here’s my favorite Easter Bunny movie moment, from the movie Mall Rats. This one is for Brodie.

Should sanctuary cities be outlawed in all 50 states?

A sanctuary city is a city that allows people who are in the country illegally to be protected from legal authorities and gives these criminals aid and support, even though they are criminals who are breaking the law and spitting in the face of every American citizen by even just being there. So yeah, the havens for criminals should be outlawed, and any government official or legal authority that ignores their duties and ignores the law to support these areas should be relieved of duty and arrested as well.

Have you ever drunk your beer with a straw?

I may have once or twice, but I don’t remember for sure. I would think that would make a person drink too fast and get drunk too easily. While getting hammered is not a bad thing, it’s not always what you want to do too quickly. Just ask Paul Pelosi. And don’t straws cause climate change, cause mudslides, and kill whales and baby seals? No straws for beer or anything else. Well, maybe a spit gun, but nothing else. Especially not beer.

Shawn Cassidy or John Denver?

I was a big Hardy Boys fan growing up and no, I’m not talking about Matt & Jeff. I’m talking about Frank & Joe and their detective television series back in the late 70s. The Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew Mysteries. So Shawn Cassidy it would be for me.

Who was your celebrity crush when you were younger, and who is your celebrity crush now?

When I was a young kid, I had crushes on Mark Hudson (The Hudson Brothers) and Donny Osmond. And now that I’m a grumpy old man, I like Johnny Depp, Taylor Lautner, and Juventud Guerrera.

Have you ever wished upon a star?

Many times. It hasn’t always worked, but I’m going to keep on wishing anyhow. It can’t hurt to keep trying.

What would Aliens say about Earth?

When approaching Earth, they probably say “Lock the doors to the Saucer and speed up. Let’s get out of this neighborhood before those crazies see us.”

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that, let’s close up shop for today. I have to go eat breakfast and do my taxes. Today is the last day and I’ve procrastinated long enough. Take care and stay well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Ubuntu!