A Day Of Dougie: Four Eyes, House & Percy Sledge…

Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie
Four Eyes, House, & Percy Sledge
January 14, 2020
DougMaynard.com

Good morning and welcome to the land of milk and honey. It’s Monday morning and you know what that means? Nothing really. It’s just Monday and I’m up, getting ready for a fun day of trading gossip, being snarky, and occasionally selling a bottle of fine spirits or two. And since I’m awake and up earlier than I need to be, this would be a good time to have a brand spanking new Day of Dougie. A brand new spanking? That would be nice. It’s been a long time and I’ve been a bad boy. But that’s not important right now. For now, it’s drawing out some topics from the Magic Bag and just write, because that’s what we do.

But before I do that, I want to say something. People in Scotland County, North Carolina, aka Laurinburg, aka “The Burg”, can’t drive for shit. I was out yesterday, running errands and waiting for a text message, and in less than an hour, I saw and encountered people driving 30mph in a 55mph zone, people driving 60mph in a 35mph zone, no headlights even though it was dark, no turn signals, turning left on a red light, stopping at a green light and the usual swerving in and out of traffic as if we were on a Nascar track instead of going down the highway. I’m just glad it wasn’t raining last night and windshield wipers weren’t required. These people are freaking dangerous. This is why I try not to go uptown on the weekends or unless absolutely necessary. Driving in Laurinburg sucks! Film at 11:00. Now let’s get some topics up and ready to go. We have 4-eyes, House, and Percy Sledge. Let’s do this.

4-Eyes…

Obviously, I’m talking about wearing glasses. Well, maybe it’s a freak with four actual eyes, but that only happens in comic books, science fiction, and East Rockingham. I’m just kidding. It doesn’t happen all that much in comic books. I wear glasses. Glasses are cool and they help me see better. Oh wait, I just remembered why I put this topic in the Bag and it wasn’t actually about wearing glasses. Okay, it was, but not in the wearing glasses to hide a secret identity type fashion or not even in the “I can’t see shit!”, way. We have a woman who comes into my store sometimes. She’s awesome and personable and a true pleasure to wait on so I’m not dissing her here, but there is one thing. She wears two pairs of glasses on her head, hence “four eyes” aside from her main two, God-given peepers. She has one pair on, as would be normal and then there’s another pair pushed back on her head. And she’ll pull those down, over her first set of frames, to read the credit card machine or bottles. It’s kind of odd, but I’m sure she has a reason. When I see her, I think two pairs of glasses = four eyes and now, here we are. And now, we’re moving on.

House…

It’s where I lay my head at night. And hang out when not working or doing stuff with the fam. My cat lives here too and he’s a little punk. Cute as hell though so I think I’ll keep him.

I just realized that I had the word “House” capitalized. That means it’s not about my physical place of residence, but instead a person. Dr. House, aka the pill-popping doctor from the TV shows. He’s an ass-clown, but the guy is probably the best doctor in the history of television with the worst bedside manner. All we know for sure is that it’s not Lupus. Just give him a medical problem and if it’s not boring, he’ll fix you up. And break into your house and come thisclose to being fired in the process. I miss that show. I know he’s supposed to be dead, but TV executives and powers-that-be need to bring that show and the entire cast back. I want to see it and I know a few others that would as well. So TV folks, do it. I have spoken. Let’s move on.

Percy Sledge…

The main thing that I remember about Percy Sledge is that he spent the latter part of his career doing performances where he had no band, but just pre-recorded tracks that he would play and sing along to or lip-sync along to. He was Milli Vanilli, but with actual talent and singing ability. He was just getting older and wasn’t able to do a real concert so he made due. I heard that story from a man who worked as a DJ at a club where Percy appeared regularly in the mid-to-late ’80s.

And the other thing about Percy Sledge was that if you couldn’t get laid by putting on his music, you were either very ugly or very pitiful. There’s something about hearing “When A Man Loves A Woman” that made women (and some gay guys) very horny back in the day. It surely wasn’t looking at Percy because he wasn’t an attractive man by any means, but that voice, unique and a one-way ticket to the back seat of cars and hoochie-coochie. He was a legend. I’ll play a video by Percy and here’s a note to the guys. Pull your woman in close while listening and gently sing along in her ear. You’re welcome.

And I’m ending this here. I have things to do and a pain-in-the-ass cat to pay attention to. My thanks for reading. Comments, questions, and any other thoughts are welcome and appreciated. Have a great day, stay safe, and make it a great day by making it a Day of Dougie. I’ll see you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!

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