Dear Dougie: Good Advice From A Black Heart.

Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie: Good Advice From A Black Heart
January 31, 2021
DougMaynard.com

In the years of my youth, we had Dear Abby and Ann Landers to ask for advice and help with problems of the heart, mind, and soul. And now, we have me. It’s practical advice from the demented, but the well-meaning mind of a sad, twisted Salt Tosser. I love you, Peeps. Let’s do this.

Dear Dougie,
My boyfriend would rather hang out with his buddies than spend any time with me. I feel so lonely sometimes. What should I do?
-Beth In Detroit

Make him want to stay. Be a sweetheart and give him food & sex. Make him a sammich! Or just be cool with it, let him have some buddy time, and quit worrying so much about what he’s doing. Have your own friends, find a hobby, and keep yourself occupied and distracted from being too worried about what your boyfriend might be doing. Have and enjoy life. Do your own thing. If he finds that he can’t take you for granted and you’re not obsessing over him all the time, he’ll come around and be home more often. Just believe and have faith. Unless he’s gay and then you’re fucked.

Dear Dougie,
My three-year-old son likes to play with dolls sometimes. Is he gay?
-Call Me Gaybe

They’re not dolls. They’re “action figures”. And no, your son shouldn’t be thinking about being straight or gay until he hits puberty many years from now. Right now, he’s just a kid being a kid. Quit obsessing over your boy’s sexual identity since he shouldn’t even be thinking about gender identity yet. And if he is gay, so what? He’s still your son and probably a good kid. Don’t worry about it and let him be a kid now and worry about the sex stuff later. Go eat a sammich. You’ll feel better.

Dear Dougie,
My neighbor likes to feed stray cats. It was okay at first, but now there are nearly twenty cats that come to his house daily looking for food. I like animals too, but that’s way too many. I don’t want to call Animal Control so what should I do?
-Kitty Complainer In Iowa

Is there a Chinese restaurant in your neighborhood or close by? Give them a call and just leave an anonymous tip and then let nature take its course. Your cat problem will be over in just a few days and you’ll never see a thing.

Dear Dougie,
I’ve been seeing this man for over five years. He’s married, but we’re in love. He keeps saying that he’s going to leave his wife and marry me, but keeps hesitating and staying with her. I’m tired of waiting. What should I do?
-BrokenHeartedMistress

Find another man or woman if you’d like. But dump this loser because he is not going to leave his wife. He’s enjoying the pleasures you have to offer as the side-chick and resident ‘ho. He’s not going to stay with you. Get that straight. Listen to the song by Sugarland called “Stay”. Then next time he calls, tell him to just stay with the wife. And then go check out the Reba song about cheating, “Does He Love You?”. Wait until his wife and he have decided to go boating and take the hint. And there you go.

Dear Dougie,
My son has a pet bullfrog that he loves very much. He’s even built him a small pond in the backyard and talks to it like it’s human. I hate that creature. He’s so nasty to look at and I’m afraid of getting warts. I want to get rid of him, but don’t want to hurt my son. What should I do?
-JeramiahIsNotAFriendOfMine

Tell him that the neighbor’s cat got the frog, who has vanished, and then serve a nice dinner of KFC to console his broken heart. Frog legs taste just like chicken. The more you know.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Any questions you’d like advice about, feel free and give me a shout. I’m here for you. Until the next time, take care of yourself and stay safe. Until the next time, be awesome.

Ubuntu!

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