Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 2: Strawberry, Small Dogs & Elf On A Shelf
December 14, 2022
DougMaynard.com

Well, it’s Day 2 and I’m still on track and haven’t missed a day yet. Talk about a Christmas miracle. Welcome to The 12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas, where it’s just like a normal A Day of Dougie post, but one of the topics of discussion is Christmas related. All three topics are still drawn randomly from the Magic Bag, but two are from the traditional Magic Bag while the third is from a special bag full of nothing but Christmas-related topics. The things I do for y’all… lol.

So let’s get to work and find out what we’re speaking of today. I’m reaching into the bag and we have Strawberry, Small Dogs, and Elf on a Shelf. That’s not too bad I guess. So let’s get down to business and away we go. Let’s do this.

Strawberry

It’s a fruit and the name of a famous baseball player as well. I’m not a big fan, but if you add some Cool Whip, they’re not bad. And I remember a small girl who liked strawberries. Who else remembers Strawberry Shortcake? I’m sorry.

It’s the third flavor in Neopolitan Ice Cream. Everyone loves chocolate and vanilla, but we get strawberry ice cream too because they have to do something with it. Chocolate on strawberries is pretty good too, especially if you’re trying to turn your lady on and get freaky.

And now, I’m going blank. I hate it when that happens. Have we covered strawberries sufficiently enough? I think so.

Small Dogs

Have you ever noticed that the smaller a dog is, the more aggressive and meaner attitude it seems to have? Think about it. A Doberman or German Sheppard, if they don’t sense evil intent on you, will want to play. A poodle or a chihuahua though, it’s immediate growling, snarling, and bad attitude. The worst damage they can actually do is nip your ankles or bite your shoelaces (true story), but they think they’re Cujo and are ready to munch down on your ass. Why is this? I’ve heard of the small-man complex, but I guess it’s true for dogs too. And women.

No, I’m not being sexist here, but just telling the truth. Piss off a woman who can’t reach the top of the refrigerator and watch the fires of hell explode. Short women are mean and will hurt you. ‘Nuff said. But I was talking about dogs. Small dogs are cute and smart and so precious until you let your guard down and get too close. Then that ankle becomes a chew toy. It’s true. It’s damn true! Let’s move on.

Elf On A Shelf

This is where small elves come and stay with families that have small children during the holidays. The elves attach themselves to a child (not literally) and observe the child each day and then, at night, once the child is asleep, fly back to the North Pole to tell Santa what they’ve observed and if the kid has been good or bad each day. And each day, they change positions and move about the house, observing all. And they can not be touched by human hands when in their dormant state during the day or they’ll lose their powers and won’t be able to make their reports to Santa.

Dormant during the day. Only come alive at night. Are we talking about an elf or a vampire here? Actually, they’re pretty cool in helping to keep the kids, at least the young ones who still believe, in line and on good behavior. Then the kids get older and instead of Elf on A Shelf, the parents have to evolve and move on to “belt on a butt”. I prefer the Elf thing.

It’s such a simple concept and idea that has quickly become a tradition for so many families and so many children over the years. We’ve always been told that “Santa Claus is watching you”, especially by singer Ray Stevens, and now, we have proof. Small snitches dressed in red and they see us when we’re sleeping, or awake, or in the shower, or having sex. What the hell? Bunch of perverted little peeping toms. Oh wait, they’re just watching the kids. We, adults, are safe. Or are we? Something to think about, right?

But the Elf thing is cool. Didn’t I already say that? And I approve.

And there you go. Another one wrapped up and ready to be put to bed. My thanks for reading. Any comments, thoughts, or questions are welcome and appreciated. I’ll be back tomorrow, Thursday, with Day 3 of 12 so be sure to watch for it. You’ll be glad you did.

And with that, I’m out of here. Take care and be well, my friends. And be sure to bundle up. It’s supposed to be cold tonight. And for now, I’m down and gone. Love ya – mean it.

Ubuntu!