Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
LAST CALL
DougMaynard.com
Doug Maynard

Where to begin? So many things to address. I’m sick. Freaking sick. I’m just being blunt here. I hurt so much every waking moment. I can’t eat or drink. I have no strength or energy at all. I never realized how much I was holding it together and faking it for Ma’s sake. And now she’s gone. Stress killed her, trying to handle everything herself, and protect Terri and me. Well, Terri lives in an isolated cocoon, and it’s all about Terri. I don’t think she even understands or realizes just how much we both depended on Ma. Well, we know now.

Yeah, reality sucks. But back to everything. I’m sick. I’m not long left for this world. The body is failing fast, and the mind? Still strong and holding on. But I’ve lost everything. I have no family, no friends, nothing. I’ve got friends, but they don’t know what to do. I don’t want to drag them into my mess, so I’ve pushed them away. I’ve done way too good a job, too. But it’s okay. I’m ready to go. I’ve left memories and a legacy. I’m just tired of the fight, the constant struggle. Let’s take care of some technical stuff before these numb fingers give out on me.

We have so much junk and clutter in this house. I’ve sold my truck and my storage building. Mom’s Nissan, my bro is using it. He needs it, and if I can find the title, I’ll make it official. And everything else, I don’t care. If you see something and want it, take it and be happy. Don’t worry. Be happy. I used to hate that damn song. And now it’s stuck in your head. You’re welcome.

I’m being evicted from this house after 47 years. In her efforts to protect me, plus possibly the onset of dementia, a very delicate house of cards was built. And it’s all coming tumbling down. And I’m too weak, too sick, to do anything about it. I should NOT be here alone. But anyhow, let me tell you briefly about the heartless parasites who are taking our house. I wrote a review to post on their website, but haven’t posted it yet. It’s pretty self-explanatory.

This so-called management company is evicting us from our home of 46 years. We have a set number of days to get out and remove our belongings, yet they can’t wait. Within hours of winning their case, these blood-thirsty vultures entered the house. We missed court because my mom DIED this past Tuesday. I had a seizure on Thursday morning and was put into the hospital. And on Friday, they are in the house, digging through a dead woman’s belongings. Numerous sets of keys are now missing. I’ll have my property removed. I don’t need these parasitic vultures coming in and stealing items or looking for items to plunder and pick up. I had to check myself out of the hospital, against doctor orders and under the possibility of death, to protect what few valuables I could from these disgusting, dishonest leeches. And to clarify, this is A&N Property Management of 296 Industrial Lane, Raeford, NC 28376. At least wait until the body is cold. Disgusting, soulless trash. I’d love to get those keys back, along with other items that seem to be missing, but that is probably far too much to expect. You are really a piece of work.

Yeah, that’s the kind of devil-spawn I’m dealing with. If anyone ever deserved a bullet to their spine, this woman is one. And people wonder why I’m so freakin’ stressed. My Mom is dead, I’m in the hospital, and I should be dead. My sugar was in the thousands. Imagine that. And people are going through my home, plundering my Mom’s stuff and having a good old time. Let’s move on.

I’ll be back. My head hurts, plus Walmart is due in ten minutes with a delivery. I’ve got plenty of drinks, but I was out of regular water. Everything makes my chest hurt except for that, so I broke down and placed an order. Water, Tums, bubble gum, and napkins. Don’t judge me. Anyhow, I’ll return shortly.

Well, I’m back. If I lie down, I have nightmares. And if I stay awake, I’m living in a nightmare. I did manage to eat a little bit, so that’s good. I’ve noticed something. I’ve cried a little bit, but I can’t let it out and grieve. All of it, the stroke, Mom, losing the house and everything we own, being too damn weak to do anything, and just feeling nothing but numbness. I’m just here. I have nothing left to fight for, nor the energy or strength to fight, but a part of me still resists and won’t let sorrow or grief take over. I’m not dealing or moving, but I’m just here. I have no control over anything, but I refuse to cede control or give in. Damn, that Maynard blood. I’ll be back.

I went and washed dishes, because of course I did. I’m so damn tired. I need to go change this dressing on my foot. I’m not ready for it now. My leg is swollen up, so it’s going to be an effort. But I don’t want an infection, right? Just one more for the books. Maybe I’ll luck up, and I’ll actually have a human visitor who can help? Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha. I crack myself up. I just want peace. I know it’s not in the foreseeable future, unless maybe I just give in and allow the mind to snap and break. Maybe? Who knows.

When I do break, and when it all comes out, it’s going to be bad. Just a fair warning that when the break comes, don’t intercede. Step back and let it play out. It’s been a long time coming, and every man has a breaking point where all bets are off. Honestly, I’m not even scared. That’s the bad thing. I’m going to close this up and go change the dressings on my foot. I didn’t say what I wanted to say, but I said enough for now. I’ll be back.

Ubuntu!

And I’m back. I tried to sleep in the bed. I made it 45 minutes before anxiety, shakes, and pure panic set in. And now, my leg is tingling, hurting, etc. So, I’m alone, in pain, and can’t sleep. I’m sitting up in a wheelchair, wrapped in a blanket, trying to stay warm and conscious. I somehow know that if I fall asleep, I won’t be waking up. Not here, anyhow. I’ll be alive physically, but everything that makes me Dougie will be gone. Fuck this life. Should I even ask? Why me? No time for tears. They’re not coming anyhow. Just pain, confusion, and indifference. I wish I had a cigarette. Awareness is a curse. I’m going to try and sleep. Woo woo woo. You know it.