(Retro) U.S. Presidential Debate – WWE Style (from September 23, 2004)

 Found this in an old “Tossing Salt” column – had totally forgotten about it… lol
The two biggest things in the news right now here in the U.S. are the war in Iraq and the upcoming Presidential election.  President Bush and Senator Kerry have agreed to three debates in the next few weeks.  That would normally have nothing to do with a “wrestling” column, but since the WWE is so involved in the “SmackDown Your Vote” campaign and are sponsoring a “debate” between Mick Foley & JBL at the University of Miami tonight, the connection is there.  With that in mind, I decided to do a little parody of the Presidential Debate. But let’s leave Bush and Kerry out of it… and use Chris Jericho and Steve Austin as their stand-ins instead.  So here’s my version of the Presidential Debate.  “Y2J” Chris Jericho is standing in for Senator John Kerry (D-MA) and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is standing in for President George W. Bush.  Michael Cole is the moderator.  Enjoy!
(Micheal Cole comes to the podium)
Cole:  Hello!  I’m Michael Cole.  In association with the League of Women Voters and the WWE Smackdown Your Vote campaign, the WWE is proud to present our own Presidential debate.  WWE Superstars will represent the two candidates for the office of President of the United States.
(A stagehand comes up and hands Cole an envelope.)
Cole:  Excuse me!  I just got this message.  One second please!
(Michael Cole reads the message.  His face turns pale!)
Cole:   Aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!
(Michael Cole quickly drops the note and runs screaming like Lita at a baby shower, fleeing the stage!  Funaki comes out and picks up the note.)
Funaki:  Note make Cole run.  Note was poem from Heidenreich!  Heh!  Funaki now run debate.  Funaki SmackDown # 1 announcer and host for Smackdown Vote Debate!  Me introduce WWE superstar!  Representing John Kerry is Chris Jericho!  Representing George Bush is Stone Cold Steve Austin.
(Steve Austin and Chris Jericho come out and walk to their podiums!)
Funaki:  OK!  Time for opening remarks.  We flipped coin.  Jericho – you go first!
Y2J:  Welcome to Debates Are Jericho!  I’m the 7-time Intercontinental Champion, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla and a honest to God, Living Legend.  And tonight, here in the debates, I’m representing the Democratic Presidential nominee, John Kerry.  Why John Kerry?  It was either this or have to job to Hunter… again!!  Let’s get this party started, Junior!
Funaki:  Stone Cold!  Your turn!
Austin:  Shut the hell up, you mealy mouth little bastard!  I’ll make this real simple.  President Bush is from Texas.  I’m from Texas.  Bush doesn’t play games!  I don’t play games.  Kerry’s a whiny ass little punk.  He pisses me off!  He don’t get to be President if he pisses off Stone Cold Steve Austin.  And that’s the bottom line… because Stone Cold said so!
Funaki:  OK!  We have wrestlers ask questions dealing with policy and issue!  You two answer for candidates!
Y2J:  Get on with it, Fujinami!  I have a band practice to go to in a hour with Fozzy!
Austin:  Someone toss me a beer!
(A stagehand tosses Austin a beer which he quickly opens and chugs down!)
Austin:  Buuuuuurrrrpppp!
Funaki:  First question go to Brother Love.
Brother Love:  I looooooovvvvvvveee you!  Brother Stone Cold!  Brother Jericho!  I have a question…. a question of loooovvvvee!  I have to ask about the war in Iraq!  They don’t loooovvvvvveeee us!  What are the candidates positions on Iraq?
Funaki:  We start off with good question!  Brother Jericho – you answer first!
Jericho:  The war in Iraq?  The war in Iraq?  What is Don Kerry’s position on the war in Iraq?  Hell if I know, Columbo!  Kerry doesn’t even know what his position is.  He changes his mind more than Trish changes sex partners.  Don’t ask me, you red-faced jackass!
Funaki:  Mr. Stone Cold, you answer now!
Austin:  Damn straight I answer!  Don’t you be eyeballing me, you over-stuffed bastard!  I’ll have to kick your ass!  What?  What?  We kicked Saddam’s ass!  We’ve got the terrorists on the run! And I need some more beer!  What?  I said beer!  What?  Suds!  What?  Steveweisers!  What?  Gimme a damn beer now!
(A stagehand brings Austin a cooler of beer!)
Funaki:  Good response.  Next question is by World Champion Triple H.
HHH:  Question?  I don’t have a question!  I am Triple H-uh!  I am-uh the Game-uh!  I show up and the ratings skyrocket-uh!  This is my World Championship-uh!  And I am-uh, the Greatest World Champion of all time-uh!
Y2J:  More like the greatest ass clown of all time!
HHH:  What-uh?  Did you say something, Jericho?  Do you want to end up on Heat-uh, jobbing to Val Venis-uh? 
Y2J:  Is Val even still with the company?
Austin:  He said you’re an ass clown!
HHH:  What?
Austin:  A jackass!
HHH:  What?
Austin:  A long nosed, egotistical, pain in the ass, son of a bitch!
HHH:  I am the Game-uh!  I am the World Champion-uh!  Tell them Ric!  Tell them, Naitch!
Ric Flair:  Wooooo!  Triple H!  The World Champion. The best in the business today!  The man!  Wooooo!
Y2J:  Quit kissing ass, Flair!
Austin:  Calm down Ric… you’ll blow your pacemaker!
Ric:  HHH!  The very best!  Woooooo!  To be the man!  Woooooo!  We bleed!  We sweat!  We walk that aisle!  Wooooo!  Wooooo!  Woooooo!
Y2J:  So Ric, does that mean that Triple H is better… than Ric Flair?
Flair:  Wooooo!  Diamonds are…..what?
HHH:  Don’t listen to them, Ric-uh!  They’re just trying to start trouble-uh!
Flair:  What did you say, Jericho?
Y2J:  You said HHH is the greatest of all time!  Does that mean he’s better than… Ric Flair? 
Flair:  Wait a minute!  I’m a sixteen time… Wooooo!  Jet flyin – limousine riding – wheeling dealing son of a gun!  I’m Ric Flair!  I’m the best Woooooooo!  ever.
Y2J:  But is HHH better.  You said he was.
Flair:  HHH is the best wrestler going today!  But let’s be serious.  He’s no Ric Flair!
HHH:  Ric… let’s go!
Austin:  HHH thinks he’s better than you!  He thinks you’re a stupid son of a bitch!
HHH:  That’s not … I am the Game!-uh.  I am the best wrestler alive today-uh! 
Flair:  And you think you’re better than me?
HHH:  Yes…. I mean no!  I mean… look!  There’s Jim Herd!
Flair:  Jim Herd?  Jim Herd?  Wooooo!  Where’s he at!  Time to kick some ass, Horseman style!  Wooooooooo!  Come on, Double-A!  Woooooooo!
(Flair heads off stage in search of Jim Herd.)
HHH:  Damn it Jericho !  Damn it Austin!  I’ve worked years to brainwash Flair and you almost screwed it up-uh!  I’m warning you now…. both of you… don’t mess with me or I’ll have you jobbing to Maven. 
Jericho:  Hell,. that’s better than jobbing to you again!
Austin:  Hunter!
HHH:  What?
(Austin shoots HHH twin birds!)
HHH:  I’ll-uh… You…. Damn it!
(HHH storms off the stage!)
Funaki:  OK.  That was exciting.  Next question is by Rico!
Rico:  Hello gentlemen!
Y2J:  Freak!
Austin:  You sick little fruity bastard!
Rico:  My question…, what me and Charles were wondering.. is about the proposed amendment banning same-sex marriage!
Haas (from offstage):  I don’t care… I’m with Jackie now!
Rico:  Charles, please!  Where do the candidates stand on this crucial social issue? 
Funaki:  Austin, you first!
Austin:  I’ve done told you, Funaki, quit eyeballing me!  And Rico.  You want to know where “Stone Cold” stands on same sex marriage?
Rico:  Actually I was wondering where the President stands on…..
Austin:  It doesn’t matter what you want, you sick little sunnova bitch!  Heh!  I’ve always wanted to do that!  Marriage.  It’s a great thing!  What?  It’s an institution!  What?  Two people!  In Love. What?  The President says a man!  What?  And a woman!  What?  That’s a marriage!  But as for me!  What?  Stone Cold Steve Austin!  What?  I don’t give a rats ass what you do or who you do it with!  What?  You want to be a fruity little bastard, go right ahead!  It’s no skin off my ass!  What?
Funaki:  OK!  Y2J, you go now!
Y2J:  Same sex marriage!  Two men together or two women together bound in holy matrimony!  I don’t know or care what John Scary has to say!  Hell, John Scary doesn’t know or care what John Scary has to say!  I only speak for one man… and that’s Y2J. 
Sure dude!  Go for it! 
Funaki:  Is that it?
Y2J:  Yep!  That’s it!
Funaki:  With last question before we run out of time, here is Hulk Hogan!
Hulk:  Well, you know, bruthuhs, the election is almost here.  And it’s time to decide the fate of the second most powerful force in the Universe!  The Presidency!  And whatcha gonna do…. when the Hulkama…..
Jericho (interrupting):  Huckster!  If the Presidency is the second most powerful force in the Universe, what’s number one?  And don’t you dare say what I think you’re gonna say, you balding eagle ass-joke!
Hulk:  Well, you know Jericho!  Hulkamania is running wild all across the nation.  And whatcha gonna do…bruthuh… Whatcha gonna do, Chris Jericho, when Hulkamania runs wild on you!
Y2J:  Probably just like I’ve always done, Sulk.  Beat you into a bloody mess and leave you laid out at the hands of a true living legend,  Y2J.  And what are you gonna do, Sulk, when the Jerichoholics and Y2J take your wrinkled old ass uptown to China-town! 
Funaki:  Gentlemen!  Please!  Ask question! 
Austin:  Hurry up and ask the damn question!  My beer is getting hot and I’m about ready to beat both of your sorry asses! 
Hogan:  Well, bruthuh!  My question is about social security and retirement benefits.  What are the two candidates going to do to ensure a safe and healthy future for our seniors!
Y2J:  You mean like you, Logan?
Funaki:  Y2J please!  You answer first. 
Y2J:  Again hell if I know!  This dude, Larry Kerry, he just marries rich old bags and lives off their money.  We’ll hook up all the old men with Moolah and Mae and send the rest to live with you, Hogan! 
Funaki:  Stone Cold?
Austin:  We look after the old folks!  Give them some medicine!  Give them some beer!  They drink the beer and they’ll be happy!  I drink beer.. and I’m happy.. and that’s the bottom line cause Stone Cold said so!
Hogan:  That’s not an answer.  That’s a cop-out Austin!  You’re jealous!  You’re jealous of the largest arms in the world! You’re jealous of Hulkamania, bruthuh! 
Austin:  Did he just call me jealous?
Y2J:  I think he did, Austin!
Austin:  Jealous of who…. him?
Hogan: Yeah, Austin!  Jealous of Hulkamania!  Jealous of the millions of Hulkamaniacs running wild across the universe!  I built the WWE. I built WCW.  Hulk Hogan, bruthuh!  And whatchu gonna do, Austin!  Whatchu gonna do… when Hulkamania runs wild on you!
(Austin never says a word. In one quick movement, he’s out from behind the podium and kicks Hogan in the stomach!  Whammo!  Stunner by Austin on Hogan!  Hogan is out on the floor!  Just like that!)
Austin:  Run wild on that, you bald headed sunovabitch! 
(Austin stands over Hogan, who is shaking violently on the stage floor!  Suddenly, it happens…. Hulk is shaking!  He’s “hulking up” and “no-selling” the Stunner!  Hogan stands up shaking and points at Austin…..)
Hogan:  You!….
(Austin grabs a chair and nails Hogan, crashing the steel hard across the head of the Hulkster!  Hogan goes down.  He’s not getting up!)
Austin:  Stupid bastard!
Funaki:  Someone get doctor for Hogan. I think Hulkamania dead!  Final statements to close this debate up.   Austin – you go first!
Austin:  This whole thing is about Smacking down and being sure to vote.  It doesn’t matter which sorry bastard you vote for – just be sure to vote… and then have an ice cold beer.  Like I’m fixing to do!  And that’s the bottom line because “Stone Cold” said so!
Funaki:  Y2J – you close up now!
Y2J: It’s about time, Fool-yaki!  I was beginning to wonder if you and Austin would ever “shut the hell up!”  I’ve got people to do and places to see!  I am a big time rock star you know and the first ever undisputed World Heavyweight Champion.  I’m the first ever seven time Intercontinental champion.  I don’t care who you vote for or if you even vote!  I’m Canadian.  But please always remember, support Y2J!  Wear your Jerichoholic badge with pride!  After all, it’s not what you can do for your country… it’s what your country can do for Y2J. 
(A stagehand hands Jericho a note!)
Y2J:  OK, its a note from Vince. He says I have to remind you to Smackdown your vote on Election Day.   Is that it, Kawalsaki?
Funaki:  That it!  Debate over!  I am Funaki – Smackdown Number One Announcer remind you to be sure to vote! 
Austin:  Let’s get the hell out of here and go get some beer! 
Y2J:  I’ve got band practice with Fozzy!
Austin:  Funaki is buying!
Funaki:  What?
Austin:  I said you’re buying me and Jericho some beer!  You got a problem?
Funaki:  No!  I have WWE Corporate Credit Card. 
Austin:  That’s what I thought!  You coming Jericho?
Y2J:  The band can wait!  Let’s go!
(Steve Austin, Funaki & Chris Jericho walk out together to go get some beer!  Remember on November 2nd to be sure to SmackDown your vote!)

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