A/N – Just picture this. Three of wrestling’s biggest stars and legends, Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the legendary Mae Young… on Jeopardy. Let the mayhem begin…
(Inside A TV Studio In Hollywood, CA)
Alex: Hello, I’m Alex Trebek and this is Jeopardy. We have a very special show tonight as we bring to you three famous wrestling superstars, all of whom are playing for their favorite charities.
(Turns to where three figures are standing at podiums)]
Alex: Please tell the viewers who you are and what charity you’re playing for.
HH: Well, Alex bruthuh, I’m Hulk Hogan… and I’m playing for the ‘Hulk Hogan Foundation’… and whatcha gonna do when the pythons run wild on you… bruthuh!
(From the third podium, a voice calls out)
SA: Pythons? Look more like tape worms to me… jackass! And that’s the bottom line, cause Stone Cold just said so.
Alex: Please, Mr. Austin, wait your turn.
(Austin glares at Trebek and quickly raises two middle fingers in his direction.)
Alex: So, Mr. Hogan, what is the ‘Hulk Hogan Foundation’? What does it do?
HH: It keeps my family and me living well while that sorry back-stabbing Linda tries to take all my money in divorce court. She sure as heck isn’t a true Hulkamaniac, bruthuh!
Alex: So, basically, it’s just a fund to raise money for you and your kids?
Alex: Isn’t that a bit dishonest and sleazy.
HH: Well, Nick can’t work since he’s a convict.. and we have to pay people to listen to Brooke sing… I need all the help I can get, bruthuh!
Alex: Of course. Moving on to Contestant #2… please introduce yourself.
MY: My name is Mae Young and I’ve been a professional wrestler since 1938.
Alex: It’s an honor to have you here, Mae. What charity are you playing for?
Alex: So, you’re playing for your local animal shelter? Is that right?
MY: Heck no! I want some new puppies. These are getting kind of saggy.
(Mae pulls up her sweater and exposes her ‘puppies’ for the world to see. Steve Austin quickly looks away. Trebek starts dry-heaving. Vomiting can be heard in the studio audience.)
HH: Mae, I love you! Will you marry me?
(Everyone turns and stares at Hogan)
SA: You sick bastard!
(Trebek signals to security off-camera and they quickly run on camera, grab Mae and force her to pull her sweater down._
Alex: Don’t you EVER do that again!
MY (quietly): Puppies?
Alex: That was certainly disturbing. And now, to our third guest, who needs no introduction, Stone Cold Steve Austin.
SA: How are ya, Alex?
Alex: Throwing up inside my mouth after seeing Mae’s puppies. And you, Steve?
SA: Fine! Just waiting for you to shut the hell up so we can get this show going and I can drink a beer.
SA: A Beer.
SA: A frosty, malted beverage.
SA: A cold one.
SA: A brewski!
SA: A Steve-weiser!
(Austin rips open the top of a beer from a small cooler next to him and chugs it down quickly… spilling more than he drinks… and then cuts loose with a loud…)
(Audience cheers loudly)
SA: And that’s all I got to say about that!
Alex: So what charity are you playing for, Steve?
SA: Charity? Hell, I just want to buy some more beer!
Alex: Of course.
SA: You got a problem with that, Trebek? Cause if you do, I’ll come over there and kick your pompous little ass all the way back to Canada.
Alex: No problem, Steve. It’s time to play the game.
(Alex turns to the board.)
Alex: Let’s take a look at the topics. We have “Smurf Names”, “Dead, Alive Or Canadian”, “Quotable Quotes”, “Arlo or Alice”, “Famous Titles”, and “Super Heroes”. Please answer in the form of a question and buzz in if you know the answer. Mr Hogan, you won the coin toss backstage, so you start.”
HH: How about “Super Heroes” for $200, Alex?
Alex: Fine. This ring wearing superhero was famous for having a big green latern and wearing a symbol of a green latern on his chest. Who is he?
Alex: No, it’s not Superman.. and please answer in the form of a question.
MY: Who is Superman?
Alex: It’s not Superman? How about you, Steve? Do you have an answer?
SA: Who gives a rats ass? If he’s a ring wearing pansy, I’d probably just have to kick his ass anyhow!
Alex: The answer was Green Latern. Green Latern. Since no one answered correctly, you go again Hulk.
HH: Super Heroes for $400, Alex.
Alex: This hulk-like character was famous for turning green and causing great destruction when angry. You might want to give this one a shot, Hulk.
HH: Who was… Superman?
MY: Who was Underdog?
Alex: No! Underdog?
MY: Yeah, he was such a cute little puppy!
(Mae starts to get that crazed look in her eyes)
MY: Puppy! Puppy! Puppies!
(Mae pulls her sweater up again and exposes her puppies. Quickly security comes over and pulls down the sweater and calms Mae vomiting is heard in the audience.)
Alex: Mae, I already told you. Don’t EVER do that again! Steve, you want to take a shot at answering this question?
SA: I really don’t give a damn, you beady eyes sonnavabitch!
Alex: Of course. The answer was The Hulk. The Hulk.
HH: And whatcha gonna do.. when Hulk Hogan runs wild on you.. bruthuh!
Alex: Stow it, Hogan! We’re thankfully almost out of time, so let’s move on to Final Jeopardy. Looking at the scores, everyone is in negatives and no one has a snowball’s chance of winning any money. But our producers will give money to each of your charities anyhow. Why, I don’t know, but that’s what was written into the contracts. So let’s move on to the Final Jeopardy. The topic is ‘Famous Wrestlers’. Please make your wagers as I give the final question. Name a famous wrestler. It could be anyone… even yourself. Just write down the name of anyone who has wrestled.
(The music plays and the three contestants write down their wagers and answers.)
Alex: OK, we’re ready for final jeopardy. Hulk, you go first. You answered with a smiley face. Excellent! And you wagered another smiley face. Amazing.
HH: And whatcha gonna do, bruthuh.. when Hulk Hogan and the Hogan family run wild on you!
Alex: OK, Mae… what have you got?
Alex; Don’t even go there, old woman! Your answer to name a famous wrestler is.. a picture of a puppy. And you wagered.. your phone number. Fantastic!
MY: All you single men out there… call me. Come play with the puppies.
Alex: Those puppies need to be taken out back and shot. And finally, Steve… what is your answer?
SA: Just this, Trebek.
(Austin turns to Trebek and shoots him two big birds! Then grabs another beer and chugs it down quickly.)
Alex: And you wagered.. a beer. Remarkable.
(Alex turns to the camera.)
Alex: Well, that’s it for this edition of Jeopardy. I’m going to go now and shoot myself. Have a good night.
THE END! (Thankfully)