Another WWE meets the world of Game Shows fic as we explore what would happen with a WWE version of “The Dating Game”. I wrote this in honor of last year’s Wrestlemania in Atlanta, GA.
WWE Dating Game Special – Atlanta, GA Edition…
As part of the Wrestlemania 27 activities in Hot-Lanta, GA, the WWE and Vince McMahon have decided to resurrect an old staple of 1970’s television, The Dating Game. Please welcome your announcer for this special show, “Mean” Gene Okerlund.
Okerlund: “Welcome to the WWE Wrestlemania 27 special attraction Dating Game. What we’re going to be doing is having three wrestling superstars, who are very familiar to the fans here in Atlanta, GA… three wrestling icons who competed for World Championship Wrestling, take the stage and compete for the hand of and a very special date with one of the WWE’s hottest Divas. But first, here is your host for this amazing event… this is the General Manager of Smackdown, Atlanta’s own Theodore Long.”
Teddy: “What’s up, playa? Now, I don’t know what posessed Vince and the WWE to do this bit… probably just another attempt to make WCW look bad, but I’m telling all of ya’ll that it ain’t gonna happen. Not with Teddy Long in the house. We’ve got three of WCW’s biggest stars and we’ve got a hot Diva from the WWE. We gonna blow the roof off this place. Ya here me!”
Okerlund: “We hear you, Teddy!”
Teddy: “Now, Mean Gene, let’s introduce the bachelors!”
Okerlund: “Oh no, give me a break! Bachelor Number One is from the Jersey Shore. He’s a multiple time World Champion and the Master of the Diamond Cutter. Can you feel the bang? It’s Diamond Dallas Page!”
Cheers fill the studio as Page stands up and gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter to the audience.
Okerlund: “Bachelor Number Two is from Atlanta, GA. He’s lost in the seventies and believes that polyester and spandex are fashionable. It’s the one and only (and thank goodness for that), Disco Inferno.”
Disco stands up and does a quick dance routine. The cheers die quickly and Disco looks like an idiot dancing up on the stage to complete silence.
Okerlund: “And Bachelor Number Three is from Detroit, Michigan. He’s a genetic freak. Let’s hear it for ‘Big Poppa Pump’ Scott Steiner.”
A few cheers from the crowd as Steiner stands up and poses a few times for the crowd.
Teddy: “Thank you, Gene Okerlund. Now, I’ve just gotta talk to the three bachelors. Gentlemen, welcome to the Dating Game, playas… I would ask you what you’ve been up to for the past few years, but we don’t have the time and nobody really cares, can you dig that? Let’s keep it moving. Hey Gene, bring out the WWE Diva.”
Okerlund: “And now, if all three men are ready to compete for a hot date with this Diva, let’s bring her own. She’s a WWE Superstar and the resident cougar of the WWE roster. She’s the former Interim-General Manager for WWE Smackdown. Here is Vickie Guerrero.”
Boos fill the arena as Vickie comes out and takes a seat. She glares at the audience and then at Teddy Long.
Vickie: “Excuse me! I said EXCUSE ME!”
Teddy: “Vickie, there ain’t no excuse for the likes of you, playa!”
Vickie: “Excuse me?”
Teddy: “Let’s get on the with game. You know how to play so shut your mouth up before I fire you again and get ready to ask your question.”
Vickie is just glaring at Teddy, when one of the bachelors speak up.
Steiner: “Hey Teddy. I like my freaks and all of that, but why are we competing for Vickie? I thought we’d at least be getting someone hot like Melina maybe…”
DDP: “Everyone’s already had Melina. She loves to feel the BANG!”
Disco: “Don’t be talking about Vickie. I think she’s hot!”
DDP and Steiner turn and stare at Disco with amazed looks on their faces.
Disco: “I like older women… what?”
Teddy: “Don’t be hating, playas. Let’s get this game started. Vickie, ask your question for the bachelors.”
Vickie (throwing Teddy another nasty look): Ok, so here we go. I like romantic evenings. What would you do, bachelors, to make our date extra special?”
Teddy: “You heard the questions. Now let’s hear some answers! Who do you want to answer first?”
Vickie: “Bachelor Number One.”
DDP: “To make our date extra special? I’d cook some steaks on the grill and get some wine and flowers for you. And we could put on a video of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man to relax to while we do yoga exercises. And then, when we’re all relaxed and happy, you would feel the BANG!”
Vickie: “Ummmmm… ok!”
DDP: “And then I’d give myself a self-high five!”
Disco: “From what I used to hear in the locker room, you do a lot of that anyway.”
Steiner: “Kimberly… now that was a freak!”
DDP: “That was my wife!”
Steiner: “Yeah, I know…”
Teddy: “Keep it down, playas. And yeah, that Diamond Doll was a freak. Holla Holla Holla! Ask the next bachelor, Vickie!”
Vickie: “Okay, Number Two… the same question for you.”
Disco: “How would I make our date extra special? Well, I’d bring out some good, romantic music. Maybe Donna Summer. Maybe even the Village People. And we could dance and shake our bootys all night long. We could put in a romantic movie. I’ve got Saturday Night Fever on dvd now. And some wine. Not just any wine either, but some Boone’s Farm just for you. Strawberry Hill. ”
Vickie: “That’s enough!”
Disco: “Break out the glass balls and have strobe lights all over the house. And I’d even put on my orange spandex dancing suit, just for you.”
Vickie: “I think I’m going to be sick! No wonder Eddie always warned me to stay away from you when he was part of WCW.”
Disco: “Never forget that it’s your duty to shake that booty. And from what I’ve seen of Vickie, that’s a whole lot of booty to be shaking!”
Teddy: “Vickie, we’ve got one more bachelor up there. Ask your question for him.”
Vickie: “Do I have to?”
Teddy: “If you want to keep this job, you’d better get to moving. Now holla, holla holla!”
Vickie: “Bachelor Number Three, what is your idea of a romantic evening?”
Steiner: “Candlelight. A long, sensous massage with classical jazz playing in the background. Some fine wine.”
Vickie: “Sounds nice!”
Steiner: “Yeah, I love to let my freaks massage me and oil me down while I get plastered. And then the hoochie can rub my pecs and shoulders and tell me just how much I rock her world.”
Vickie: “Excuse me?”
Steiner: “For all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your hook up! Holla if you hear me!”
Teddy: “And there you go, Vickie. We’re almost out of time, so you can make your pick. Which one will it be… Bachelor One, Bachelor Two or Bachelor Three?”
Vickie: “Ummmm… I pick Bachelor Number… Two?”
Disco (seen closing his cell phone): “Sorry babe, no can do. I just spoke to Alex Wright and there’s a new club in town. We’re going out dancing all night long.”
Vickie: “Excuse me? Excuse me?”
Disco Inferno gets up and the camera follows him to the side of the set where “Das Wunderkind” Alex Wright is waiting, along with Niki and Brie Bella, the Bella Twins. We see the four wrestlers walk out the door.
Teddy: “Looks like that’s a bust, Vickie, but you can still pick one of the two remaining bachelors.”
Vickie: “Well, how about Number Three?”
Steiner: “Forget it, hoochie! I want a hot-ass Diva and a real freak to satisfy me! And I’ve already spotted one!”
WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young comes running out on the set and jumps on Scotty Steiner, grabbing his ass.
Steiner: “Now this is my kind of freak!”
Mae Young: “Puppies!”
Steiner leaned over and gave Mae a big kiss on the mouth.
Teddy: “That is sickening, playa! That’s a crazy ass white boy!”
Steiner and Mae walk off the set together, arm in arm.
Teddy: “I think I just threw up in my mouth, playa! Vickie, I guess you’re stuck with Bachelor Number One. Come on out, DDP!”
Dallas Page gets up and comes out to hug Vickie.
Vickie: “Excuse me? I said excuse me! Even I’m not this desperate. I have a boyfriend named Dolph Ziggler. And this… aauuughh!”
Vickie screamed as DDP reached over and gave her a picture perfect Diamond Cutter on the studio floor.
DDP: “I told you that she’d feel the BANG!”
Teddy: “Well, everyone else has left and I don’t think Vickie will be wanting to do the date.”
Teddy and DDP both looked down at Vickie who was laying out cold on the floor.
Teddy: “So, Diamond Dallas Page, you’re the winner. You get a certificate for a week long stay at the Panama City, Florida resort and spa. Are you going alone or would you like us to arrange for a substitute Diva to accompany you?”
DDP: “I’ve got all the Diva I need right here!”
And here comes Kimberly Page walking into the studio and up to Page, taking his arm in hers.
Teddy: “So Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly win the Dating Game and are taking our prize trip. Someone come and get Vickie out of here. This is Teddy Long hollering at ya playaz… Thanks for watching the Dating Game. Holla Holla Holla! For everybody here in the WWE, good night!”