Vickie-Locks And The Three Bears (A Vickie Guerrero Parody)
(Originally published 2/29/12)
A WWE Version of Goldilocks and The Three Bears…
Once upon a time, there was this young girl named Vickie-Locks and she was walking through the woods.
“Excuse me”, she shouted at the forest animals as she skipped by. “Excuse me! Excuse me!”
And she came upon a small cottage and knocked on the door.
“Excuse me… is anyone home”, she shouted. “What a dump! Looks like somewhere that Edge would stay. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!”
She didn’t get an answer when she knocked so Vickie reached into her pocket and brought out a small pin and easily picked the lock on the door.
“Good thing Eddie taught me how to lie, cheat and steal”, she thought to herself.
Vickie went into the house and, feeling a bit tired from her hard work breaking into the house, decided to sit down. She looked at the three chairs in the living room.
“The first one is too tacky and probably hard as a rock”, she said to herself. “And the second one, with that floral pattern is ugly as sin. But that smallest one looks like it might be comfortable.”
Vickie went over and plopped down into the smal chair, which immediately broke into several pieces and sent Vickie crashing to the floor.
“Oops!”, Vickie laughed to herself as she stood up. “That chair must have been made in China by little Hornswoggles.”
Looking around, Vickie could smell food. She looked over at the kitchen table and there were three bowls of food sat out.
“I’m hungry”, Vickie said. “That Happy Meal I had for lunch just isn’t cutting it.”
She went over and looked in the bowls.
“The big bowl has chili beans in it. That’ll give me gas”, Vickie said to herself. “And the medium sized bowl has some of J.R.’s BBQ in it. That’ll give me heartburn.”
And then she looked in the smallest bowl.
“Fruity Pebbles”, she smiled. “They’re yabba-dabba delicious.!”
After eating the small bowl of cereal, Vickie-Locks let out a big burp!
“Buuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrpppppppp!”, she belched out. “Excuse me!”
And then that was followed by a yawn.
“I”m tired”, she said. “I think I’ll go upstairs and take a nap. I’m sure that the owners of this house won’t mind.”
Vickie-Locks walked up the stairs and found three beds.
“Too hard, too soft”, she said about the first two beds, but when she spotted the smallest bed, a smile formed on her face.
“A water bed”, she laughed. “I like it!”
And Vickie-Locks crawled upon the smallest bed and pulled a blanket over her body. Within a matter of seconds, she was snoring loudly and was fast asleep.
Meanwhile, the family who owned the house, the Three Bears, were coming home. It was Stone Cold Papa Bear, Mamasantino Bearella, and Baby Cena Thuggy-Bear.
“Looks like some sorry-ass bastard done broke into the house again”, Stone Cold Papa Bear said as they approached the house.
“The door is open and why am I playing the role of the Mamacita Bear”, Mamasantino Bearella compliained. “I am all man!”
“Yo! Word Life”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear shouted out. “Poopy in the pants!”
The Three Bears entered the house and looked at their chairs.
“Someone sat in my chair and moved my damn TV Guide”, Stone Cold Papa Bear said. “Someone needs an ass kicking!”
“This is some ugly furniture”, Mamasantino Bearella proclaimed. “Is it time for Oprah yet?”
“Getting jiggy with it”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear shouted. “They don’t know nothing about hustle, loyalty and respect. They broke my chair!”
“Let’s go check out the food… and they had better not have touched my beer”, Stone Cold Papa Bear said as the Three Bears walked over to the table.
“Some stupid S.O.B. ate my chili”, Stone Cold Papa Bear said.
“And someone bit a chunk of my Bar-BQ from Good Old J.R.”, Mamasantino Bearella said. “It is disgusting!”
“Yo”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear said loudly. “Someone ate my yabba-dabba delicious Fruity Pebbles. Foul! That’s just foul! You can’t see me!”
“I can see you fine and if you don’t shut the hell up, I’m gonna open up a major league can of whoop ass on you!”, Stone Cold Papa Bear grouched.
“Let us head upstairs to the bedrooms”, Mamasantino Bearella said, “And see what we find up there.”
The Three Bears went upstairs and to the bedroom.
“Someone’s been messing around in my bed and they’ve messed up my Bert & Ernie sheets”, Stone Cold Papa Bear bellowed.
“My Martha Stewart collection sheets have been ruffled too”, Mamasantino Bearella cried out.
“There’s a hideous beast in my bed”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear shouted out. “It looks like a Snitsky!”
The noise from the Bear family woke Vickie-Locks up and she jumped up at the sight of the Three Bears.
“Excuse me! I said excuse me! Trying to sleep here!”, she shouted.
The Bears all looked at each other and then looked at Vickie-Locks. Stone Cold Papa Bear raised a paw and from out of nowhere came a couple of cans of Bearweiser Light.
He took one in his paw and handed the other to Vickie-Locks who slowly accepted.
“I hope you’re not mad that I made myself at home”, she said quietly to the Three Bears.
“Shut the hell up and drink a beer”, Stone Cold Papa Bear said to Vickie-Locks.
Vickie-Locks started to drink the beer when Stone Cold Papa Bear let out a big growl and kicked her in the stomach before giving her a stunner to the floor.
“Pick the trash up”, Stone Cold Papa Bear told his family.
As Baby Cena Thuggy Bear helped Vickie-Locks to her feet, Mamasantino Bearella yelled out the words “Cobra” and delivered a striking “cobra blow” to the throat of Vickie-Locks.
Vickie-Locks went down again, but was caught by Baby Cena Thuggy Bear before she could hit the floor. He picked up the limp body of Vickie-Locks and was prepared to give her a big Attitude Adjustment when the sounds of a very familiar music filled the house.
“Can you smell… what the Rock is cooking!”
And busting through the walls is none other than “The Rock!”
At the sight of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in their home, the Three Bears did what all wrestling bears would do. Mamasantino Bearella let out a loud shriek and ran away. Stone Cold Papa Bear drank five more beers and then went off in search of Vince McMahon so he could whip MaMahon’s ass. And that left Baby Cena Thuggy Bear, along with the unconcious body of Vickie-Locks alone with The Rock.
“Yo! Word life”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear yelled out. “What are you doing here in our story?”
“The Rock does not condone violence against women… even if it is Vickie-Locks”, the Rock said as he arched an eyebrow.
“Well, I think”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear started to say, but The Rock cut him off.
“It doesn’t matter what you think”, he shouted.
“Now Rock, we can do this the hard way or the easy way”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear said, backing away.
“The Rock says he’s going to take your easy way, polish it up nice and shiney, rub it across the scrotum of a large nippled walrus, turn that sonvabitch sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!”
“Oh poop”, Baby Cena Thuggy Bear said as The Rock grabbed him and quickly planted him to the floor with a Rock-Bottom!
The Rock looked down at Baby Cena Thuggy Bear and the still unconcious Vickie-Locks, both laying on the floor.
“Now, can you smell what the Rock is cooking”, he said quietly before walking out of the room.
As Rock exited, Mamasantino Bearella poked his head back into the room.
“Yoo hoo… Mr. Rock, are you still here?”, he asked quietly.
Realizing that The Rock had left, Mamasantino Bearella came into room. He looked at Baby Cena Thuggy Bear, laid out on the floor.
“That is what you deserve for being so stoopid”, he said to the unconcious body.
Then Mamasantino looked at Vickie.
“Even dressed like a Mamacita Bear, I still end up with the ladies”, he said to himself as he pulled out a little comb to brush his unibrow.
As Mamasantino was primping in the mirror, Vickie-Locks was starting to wake up.
“Excuse me? Excuse me?”, she said quietly as she got to her feet.
“So are you ready to make out and be my main squeeze”, Mamasantino said to her from across the room where he was still sitting and primping.
“Excuse me?”, Vickie-Locks asked.
“I am Italian and you are a cougar”, Mamasantino said. “Let’s get crazy with the romance!”
“You… you’re dressed in a bear suit… a female bear suit and you want to be with me?”, she asked.
“Don’t I look extremely sexy”, Mamasantino said with a big smile.
“Excuse me!”, Vickie said. “Aaaauuuuuugggghhhhhh!”:
Vickie went running from the room screaming at the top of her lungs as she fled the small cottage.
“Oh well, she was ugly anyhow”, Mamasantino said to himself as he walked downstairs to the living room Picking up the TV remote, he clicked on the television.
“I wonder if Animal Planet is on?”