A/N: I’m not sure where exactly to post this. Back when the Republican Party debates began for the 2012 GOP Presidential Nomination, I decided to do a parody of sorts of the debate. I don’t own Sheppard Smith (Fox News does) and I don’t own Peter Griffin (Seth McFarlane does), Kermit the Frog (Jim Henson Productions) or Joan Rivers either (several plastic surgeons in California all own a part of her… lol). The other characters (Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Ron Paul) al own themselves. Now let’s take a look at how a Presidential Debate should be.
Written: May 1, 2011
The Great Debate (A Fic)
“This is a Fox News special report”, Shepard Smith said as he read the teleprompter. “Tonight is the first of what will be many, many debates for the Republican Party nonimation to run for President in 2012 against President Barack Obama. Ummmm… since so many of the prospective Republican candidiates are not willing to make any kind of committment or announcement regarding whether they are or are not running for the Republican Presidential nomination, we were only able to get a very few of the actual politicians here. And since Fox News had already regulated this time to the debate, we were forced to make a decision. I told our producers that we should just run footage of bears for ninety minutes. Everybody loves bears. But they wanted a full fledged polititcal debate. So the prospective candidiates that are going to run, but have not actually announced that they are running were allowed to send representatives to participate in this debate on their behalf. Are you following all of this?”
Shepard paused for a dramatic moment and to take a breath.
“I would have rather seen the bears! So anyhow, here are the participants for what will the the first of thousands of Presidential debates over the next two years as they fight tooth and nail, just like the bears, for the Republican Presidential Nomination and a chance to face President Obama in 2012. From left to right, please welcome, representing former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, is professional wrestler “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Next to him, representing former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is comedian Joan Rivers. Moving on, we have former Alaska Governor and Fox News contributer, Sarah Palin. Next to the Governor is billionaire entrepreneur and television Icon Donald Trump. And finally, we have from Texas, Republican Congressman Ron Paul.”
Shepard pauses once more so the televison camera can scan the six figures standing at their podiums. Then he continues…
“And please allow me to introduce the moderator of this debate, proving once again that at Fox News, we are always fair and balanced, the star of Fox TV’s Family Guy, this is Peter Griffin.”
Peter Griffin walked out to his position and waved to the crowd and the politicians.
“Thank you Shep”, he said. “And… oh crap, I just pooped myself!”
And with a big blush, Peter Griffin quickly hurried off the stage and vanished into the backstage area.
“Okay, are we still on?”, Shepard Smith asked his producers. “I guess Peter won’t be doing the moderating, so what do we do now? Find a substitute? We’re on live televison. Sure we can’t just run the video of the bear on the trampoline?”
The television screen goes black and we see a video of a bear falling out of a tree and on to a trampoline, where he bounced high into the air before hitting the ground.
We came back to live TV and Shepard Smith is back on the screen.
“Don’t you just love the bears?”, he asked with a smile. “We found someone else to moderate the debate. He was in the hallway and we just snatched him in here. We get some of our best reporters that way. Please allow me to introduce the mediator for this first of what will be billions of political debates, this is… oh wow, this is a shocker. Is this for real?”
After receiving assurances from his producers that it was indeed, for real, Sheppard continued.
“Okay, I’ve received confirmation and this is not a joke. Dear Lord, this is real. Live tv at it’s best, folks. Our mediator for tonight’s debate is… Kermit the Frog.
“Hi Ho”, Kermit said as he took his place at the podium. “Kermit the Frog here. Now, what am I supposed to do?”
“Just ask the questions on the cards, Kermit”, Shepard Smith answered. “And give each participant a chance to reply.”
“Okay, so here’s the first question and it goes to Ric Flair first, representing Governor Huckabee”, Kermit said.
“Wooooo! I’m ready to style and profile, Froggy”, Ric said. “Lay it on me! Woooooooooo!”
“Governor Huckabee has proposed replacing our current tax system with what is known as The Fair Tax. Why is this a better tax system than our current method?”
“Wooooo!”, Ric shouted. “No one knows the tax man and the IRS better than the Nature Boy! The Fair Tax means that everyone pays on items purchased, like a sales tax instead of having money taken from the paychecks. No more IRS to style and profile like The Nature Boy! Wooooooo!”
“Thank you, Mr. Flair”, Kermit said. “And I have no idea what you just said. Anyone else want to respond to that question?”
“I can see Russia from my house”, Governor Palin answered.
“I dated a Russian once”, Joan Rivers said. “Or maybe it was a German? Who knows and who cares? At my age, so long as they’re alive and breathing, they’re a catch. What? They’re dead! Bring ’em anyways. We’ll just prop them up.”
“The whole tax system that the United States currently operates under is a fiasco and a joke”, Ron Paul interjected. “Our whole economic system needs to be rebuilt from the ground up if it’s to survive the future.”
“I think we should just fire the IRS”, Donald Trump said.
“Excuse me”, Kermit said. “We need to quiet down with only one person talking at a time.”
“One person? Heidi Abromiwitz averaged one person a minute. That girl was such a tramp”, Joan Rivers said. “She had a baby and named it after the father. Trick!”
“Can we get to the next question please?”, Kermit said.
“Go ahead”, Governor Palin answered.
“This is so confusing”, Kermit muttered to himself. “The next question here on this card is talking about Libya and American foreign policy in Iraq and Afghanistain. What do you think of the current Administration’s foreign policy and if elected President, what would you do different? Congressman Paul, you start.”
“Well, we need to bring our troops home”, Ron Paul began. “We went into Afghanistain and Iraq both without a formal declaration of war by Congress. The President can’t do that. Only Congress can. So if we could just march our troops in there, we can just march them out. As for Libya, let the United Nations handle that situation. But Quadafi is a crazy man. That’s for sure.”
“Speaking of crazy men”, Governor Palin interjected, “I met Charlie Sheen last night. He’s a great guy, but he kept asking me for Bristol’s phone number and claiming to be winning.”
“I’ve never won anything in my life”, Joan Rivers remarked. “I entered a beauty contest and came in third. The only other entrant was a Russian girl with a full beard. Her name was Boris.”
“Did I tell you that I can see Russia from my house?”, Governor Palin interjected.
“We’re getting off the subject”, Kernit said. “Mr. Trump, what do you think about our current foreign policy?”
“I think we should take all of our current leaders and fire them”, Trump said. “They’re obviously incompetent and not getting the job done. And I have a question for you, Kernit?”
“Yes, Mr. Trump?”, Kernit asked.
“What qualifies you to sit there and moderate our debate. How qualified are you for this role?”, Trump asked.
“As qualified as you are to be President, Mr. Trump”, Kermit responded. “Hi yo!”
“Very well”, Trump said. “You’re fired!”
“You can’t fire me”, Kermit said. “This is a Fox News sponsered debate.”
“Well, if we have a Celebrity Apprentice next year, come on the show and I’ll fire you then”, Trump said.
“Have your people call my agent”, Kermit replied. “Mr. Flair, you’re wanting to get in on this?”
“I’ve been to Libya. I”ve been to Japan. I’ve been to Iraq. I’ve been to Canada and Mexico. I’ve been to Charlotte, NC and Chicago, IL and Los Angeles and Vegas…”
“So, Mr. Flair, is there a point to all of this? You’ve traveled around the world. We know that”, Kernit said.
“Hell, I’ve even been to Governor Palin’s house in Alaska. Did you know you can see Russia from there?”, Flair continued.
“It’s true. You can!”, Sarah Palin remarked, nodding her head.
“And the thing that all of these places have in common is that when the Nature Boy came to town… Wooooooooo! The women lined up for blocks and we partied all night long! Woooooooo!”
“I was in a line once to meet Flair”, Joan Rivers remarked. “At least I thought it was a line to meet RIc Flair. Turns out it was a line for a soup kitchen instead. Great beef bistro.”
“Baby, you can come visit Space Mountain anytime”, Flair said as he strutted around his podium. “Whooooooooo!”
“Can we please get back to the debate”, Kermit said. “You people are a bunch of animals and considering the crowd I work with, that’s saying something.”
“I love the Muppets”, Trump said. “Miss Piggy reminds me of my second wife.”
“I think Miss Piggy was your second wife”, Joan Rivers remarked.
“I think you’re right. I’ll have to check with my accountant and see who gets the checks each month”, Trump said.
“No, Miss Piggy was not your second wife”, Kermit said. “She’s my… never mind. Can we get back to the questions?”
“Are you sure it wasn’t Miss Piggy?”, Trump said.
“Maybe it was Kirstie Alley?, Ron Paul suggested.
“Or Boy George?”, Joan Rivers added.
“Doesn’t matter”, Trump said. “She was fired anyhow.”
“Please… the debate!”, Kermit said, trying to regain control.
“Stylin and profilin’, bleeding, sweating and paying the price… diamonds are forever and so is Ric Flair. Woooooooo!”, Ric Flair shouted.
“Please… we have one more question. Can I at least ask this last question?”, Kernit said.
“Of course, Frog”, Trump said. “What is your last question before I fire you?”
“Right now, I wish someone would fire me”, Kermit sighed. “Geez!”
“We’re sorry, Kermit”, Governor Palin said. “We just got a little carried away trying to explain to the world why Barack Obama is a tax-spending liberal who’s running this country into the ground and destroying our economy. Drill baby drill!”
“That almost made sense”, Kermit admitted.
“What almost made sense?”, Governor Palin asked. “Did you know you can see Russia…”
“From your house”, everyone on the panel finished the sentence for her.
“We get it, Governor”, Ron Paul said. “And you’re right, as scary as that is, we need to get in there and overhaul our ecomony and get rid of the current President and help make this country strong again as it should be.”
“Speaking of strong, I tried on a new perfume yesterday”, Joan Rivers interjected. “It was supposed to draw the men like flies. Instead, it only drew flies. I smelled like Latoya Jackson.”
“Please, let me give the last question”, Kermit sighed loudly.
“Go ahead”, Joan said. “We’re not stopping you.”
“Okay, this question came from the moderator, Peter Griffin. I’d like each of you to answer.”, Kermit said. “What is the word! Governor Palin, you start!”
“For me, the word is energy, because we can’t rebuild to be the nuimber one nation in the world until we solve our energy problems and get the gas prices back where they need to be and we can only do that by drilling”, Governor Palin answered.
“Mr. Flair?”, Kermit said.
“The word is stylin and profilin all night long with the Nature Boy. Woooooooooooo!”, Flair said.
“Of course”, Kermit replied. “Mr. Trump?”
“Jobs!”, Trump said.
“Care to elaborate?”, Kermit asked.
Trump just stared straight ahead.
“Okay, Congressman Paul, you’re next”, Kermit continued.
“The world is the economy”, Paul said. “Until we get this economy fixed, nothing else can be fixed.”
“Sounds good”, Kermit said. “And Joan Rivers?”
“Kermit, I’ve been around for a long time”, Joan said. “And the only words that matter are sex appeal. If you have it, you’ve got it made. Don’t believe me? Look at Britney Spears. An okay singer and not too bright, but she flashes that trick pelvis and the men go crazy. She’s hot! It’s true!”
“Joanie, you’ve always been a hot and sexy Mama to me”, Ric Flair interjected. “Woooooooooo!”
“Yeah, but who are you?”, Joan said to Flair. “I saw you backstage trying to hook up with Ariana Huffington, for goodness sakes.”
“I didn’t think anyone saw that”, Flair sighed. “Woooooo!”
“And true, she’s a billionaire, but wow, what a dog. Her face looks like an ad for adopt-a-pet”, Joan said.
“She’s a billionaire?”, Trump asked. “Maybe she’s one of my ex-wives?”
“We’re getting out of control again”, Kermit said. “How much time do we have left?”
After getting a reply from producers, Kermit spoke once more.
“FIrst off, I’m required to tell you that the word is bird”, Kermit said. “Yes, bird is the word!”
At that moment, a group of muppets, led by Family Guy’s Peter Griffin, came dancing across the stage.
“Bird, bird bird… bird is the word”, they sang.
Everyone just sat in stunned silence as they moved quickly and danced to the cameras and back off the stage again, with the muppet, Animal, closing up the dance routine by yelling “Birdie” and chasing a chicken across the stage, feathers flying everywhere.
Peter Griffin looked at the group and into the camera.
“Bird is the word!”, he said before following the rest of his entourage off the stage.
The cameras turned back to Kermit who had the most exasperated look on his face.
“And we’re out of time”, Kermit said. “And thank goodness for that. My thanks to everyone for participating in the first of what will be a very long and insane political season, leading up to the elections of 2012. Pray for us! We’re going to need it!”