Originally written and published 7/9/15
“Nature Boy” Ric Flair glanced out at the large crowd filling the old parking lot of what was once the offices of Jim Crockett Promotions. Flair wiped the sweat from his brow and glanced over at David Crockett, who was preparing to go out and introduce the “Nature Boy”.
“Are you sure about this Ric?”, Crockett asked. “Once you make this announcement, there’s no turning back.”
“I’m ready David”, Flair shouted. “Ready to style and profile, wooooooooo, as only Slick Ric can do it!”
“If you’re sure”, David said once more.
Ric nodded in affirmation and Crockett went out to the podium that had been set up to speak to the crowd.
“I’d like to thank everyone for coming here on such short notice. Believe me, you won’t regret it!”
“Why are we here David?”, a reporter shouted out from the crowd. “Is Crockett Promotions starting up again?”
“Don’t I wish?”, David sighed. “But no. Why we’re all here is because a very special man that we all know and love, the man who put Charlotte on the map and was the greatest of all time in the world of professional wrestling, has something he wants to say.”
Crockett looked over to where Flair was waiting in the wings and saw Flair nod. He’s ready.
“And here he is, the 16-time World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion, my friend, the Nature Boy Ric Flair!”
Lots of applause as Flair strutted out, wearing a custom made blue suit, hair slicked back and a big smile on his face.
“Woooooooooooo!”, Flair shouted to the audience as they cheered.
“I want to thank everyone for coming here tonight”, Flair began. “We’re going to style and profile tonight, go all night long, kiss the girls and make them cry… Woooooooo! I had Mr. David Crockett arrange this press conference because I have an announcement that I would like to make.”
Ric paused to take a deep breath.
“Today. I am formally announcing my candidiacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States. Wooooooooooooo!”
The audience and press started throwing questions up in Flair’s direction, but Flair raised his hands to shush the crowd.
“The man that I’ve chosen to be my Press Secretary will answer any questions for you folks in a few minutes”, Flair said.
A voice yelled at Flair from the audience and Ric quickly turned and yelled at the man, “Shut up Fat Boy! Don’t make me come down there and take your girlfriend on a trip to Space Mountain. It’s the oldest ride in the park, but still has the longest lines. Wooooooooo!”
“Now, as I was saying”, Flair continued. “My spokesperson will answer your questions in a few minutes, but right now, I’m only answering the questions of one person and that’s my main man, Mean by god Gene Okerlund. Wooooooooo!”
Mean Gene Okerlund walked out, wearing a tuxedo and microphone in hand.
“I tell ya Nature Boy”, Gene began to say, “You’ve really got this crowd fired up with your announcement.”
“When the Nature Boy comes to town and makes a proclamation Mean Gene”, Flair yelled, “you know it’s going to be big! And nothing is bigger than Ric Flair, the White House, President of the United States, going all night long. Woooooooooo!”
“So I have to ask Naitch”, Gene said. “Why the Presidency? Why now?”
“Because this is the United States of America and this country they need a real leader… a leader that can style and profile, who can take Putin, take that little midget from Korea, take the Taliban, ISIS and all of those jabronis and put them in their place. And who better than the 16-time, Wooooooooo, World Champion. With Double A at my side and James J. Dillon giving us guidance as only he can do… Woooooooo! Ric Flair and the White House Horsemen.. We’re here and ready to take ’em all on.”
“You mentioned Arn Anderson, the Enforcer and James J. Dillion, my long time close personal friend. Will they be playing major roles in your administation if you are elected?”, Gene asked.
“If I’m elected?”, Flair glared at Okerlund. “Like you have some doubt Mean Gene? Who can beat me? Trump? He’s just a poor man’s Ric Flair. Huckabee? I like Mike and he’s a friend, but he can’t style and profile like the Nature Boy? Bush? Another friend, but can he beat the dirtiest player in the game? I don’t think so. To answer your question Mean Gene Okerlund, yes, both Double A and J.J. will be part of my Administration. Just as he was the heart and soul of the Horsemen for so many years, I would have Arn Anderson as my Vice-President. Can you imagine The Nature Boy without the Enforcer by his side. We’re the unstoppable team supreme and we’re ready to take on Washington and take on the world. Wooooooooo! And of course, the mind and mentor James J. Dillion. Senior advisor to the Nature Boy and ten times smarter than anyone Washington can throw at us.”
“Are there any other surprises or names you’d like to throw out there who you’d like to have in your cabinet if… when you’re elected, Nature Boy?”, Gene asked
“Well, I can’t tell you everything Gene Okerlund”, Flair replied. “But I’ll toss out a few names for you. Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man for Secretary of the Treasury. How about that? And Sgt. Slaughter in charge of the Joint Chiefs? Woooooo!”
“I’m liking it”, Okerlund agreed.
“The great Harley Race as the Secretary of State. Do you think Putin is going to argue with him? How about ISIS? Wooooooo!”
“Not if they have any sense at all. Maybe send Haku as his assistant.”
“Wooooooo! Race and Haku versus the Russians, the Iranians and ISIS. They wouldn’t stand a chance!”
“Any other announcements to make?”, Gene asked.
“Not at this moment?”, Ric said. “But I will take a question from the Press.”
Flair looked out in the audience and picked out a reporter.
“Hey you? Four eyes? What’s your question for the Nature Boy?”, he asked.
“Mr. Flair, how can you expect to run for President when you don’t have any experience in politics or corporate level leadership?”, the reporter asked.
“No experience? I was the co-owner of the WWE. I was the General Manager for RAW. I led the Four Horsemen. I was the President of WCW. I led the Magnificent Seven. I led Fortune in TNA. I was a part of Team Package. I was the co-leader of Evolution. I’m the Nature Boy Ric Flair and I can ride high on that mountain, custom made from head to toe, high flying, wheeling dealing, jet flying son of a gun. Ask your girlfriend, your sister and your mother how the Nature Boy leads the ladies to Space Mountain. Woooooooooooo!”
Suddenly, Ric started to strut faster and faster. He took off his shoe and with a big “Woooooooooo!”, slung the footwear out into the audience. He took off his jacket and slammed it to the ground and then strutted in a circle. Suddenly, Flair dropped a knee on the jacket. Another loud “Woooooooooooo!”
The reporters started to ask more questions but Mean Gene Okerlund stepped up and said, “No more questions for the two-time Hall of Famer and future President of the United States. Any other questions can be answered by this man, a long time personal friend of mine and Hall of Famer in his own right, Mr. Ron Simmons.”
As Mean Gene led Ric Flair off the stage, Ron Simmons stepped up to the podium. He pointed at one of the reporters to ask a question?
“Mr. Simmons, what do you think of Mr. Flair’s chances at winning the Republican nomination for President of the United States?”
Ron looked at the reporter and then looked down for a moment. He looked up at the sky and then back at the reporter. And then…
“DAMN!”, Ron spoke.
And with that sudden proclamation by the former WCW World Champion, the scene went black and the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair shot up in his bed.
“Wow! That was a helluva dream”, Flair mumbled to himself as he wiped the sweat from his head. “The Nature Boy running for President? What an idea? It would be crazy and never work… or would it?”
Ric sat there for a moment, a smile forming on his face. Then with a chuckle, he shook his head and laid back down.
“The Nature Boy as the President of the United States? I can’t wait to tell Arn and J.J. about this dream. They’re going to love it. Wooooo!”
And with that smile on his face, Flair closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
Ric Flair for President 2016… Just a dream. Too bad… for us.