Loveline Is Jericho (Dr. Drew / Chris Jericho / Joan Rivers Fan Fic)

Does anyone remember the TV series “Loveline” starring Dr. Drew Pinsky and Adam Corolla? It’s been a while, but then again, it’s been a while since this parody / fic was written too so it’s all good. I used to watch the show regularly (even then, I needed a life) and way back on January 6, 2004, I did this little parody fic with Dr. Drew, Chris Jericho and one of my favorite comics, Joan Rivers. I think it turned out pretty well. Check it out. Comments and thoughts welcome and appreciated.

-Doug

LOVELINE…Starring Dr. Drew

(with special guests Joan Rivers and Chris Jericho)

Dr. Drew: I’m Dr. Drew and welcome to Loveline! Sitting in with me this week is a world-reknown comedian and very funny lady, Joan Rivers.

Joan: Thanks, Drew. I wasn’t supposed to be here tonite.

Drew: What, Joan?

Joan: I wasn’t supposed to be here tonite. Boy George was supposd to be here tonite. But he had a yeast infection.

Drew: Ok, then!

Joan: His big fantasty is to have Justin Timberlake as a proctalagist.

Drew: That’s enough Joan!

Joan: Can we talk?

Drew: *sighs* Joan, we’re here on Loveline to talk to viewers and callers and help them with their problems and issues.

Joan: Marry rich! Go for the bucks. Find an old man in a hospital in an oxygen tent. Marry me or I cut your air off. It works every time.

Drew: Do you ever stop?

Joan: What? What?

Drew: Allow me to introduce our guest tonite, a man who knows all about relationship issues, the lead singer of Fozzy and a huge WWE Superstar, Chris Jericho.

(Chris comes out and sits between Joan and Drew – waving to all his Jerichoholics out in the audience!)

Drew: Thank you Chris for taking time from out of your busy schedule to talk with us tonite.

Jericho: No problem, Drew. After all, I have all these Jerichoholics out here (fans cheer) who want to see the “king of bling-bling” and undisputed “king of the world” and have me help them with their relationship issues.

Drew: Yes. And.

Jericho (inturrupting) And now, welcome to “Loveline Is Jericho!”.

(The crowd erupts in excitement!)

Joan: Wow! I haven’t seen a reaction like that since I took Elizabeth Taylor to the “all you can eat” buffet at Shoneys.

Drew: *coughs* As I was saying, Chris – you are currently having some relationship issues of your own… with one Trish Stratus. Care to talk about that?

Jericho: (humbly) Well I screwed up badly. I made this bet with Christian…

Joan: The guy who uses “ass-cream”?

Jericho: That’s the one.

Joan: He’s a creepy little bastard.

Jericho: Do you mind?

Joan: Well excuse me, Mr. Place a bet and get laid for a Canadian Dollar! That’s what I heard.

(Jericho and Drew just glare at Joan)

Joan: I’m through! Please continue, Chris.

Jericho: Well, I made the bet with Christian and tried to talk to Trish. But while I was talking to her..

Joan: Trying to get into her pants.

Jericho: Whatever.

Drew: Joan, will you please let Chris finish. Go ahead, Chris.

Jericho: Well, at first it was just a bet, but as the weeks went on, I really started to care for her and feel feelings. Then she found out about the bet, and got pissed, and won’t even speak to me now. No matter what I do, I can’t do anything right.

Joan: My husband Edgar could never do anything right. If he hadn’t tossed and turned in the bed at night, we never would have had the kid.

Drew: What?

Joan: I have no sex appeal. None. My body is falling so damn fast, my gynacologist wears a hard hat!

Jericho: What?

Joan: I went to a strip club the other night. It was amatuer night. I got up and did a striptease. The money was flying before I was halfway done. I got on the mic. Is this money for me to take it all off? A man in the front row shouted, ‘No – we want you to put it all back on!’ “.

Drew: Joan, what are you talking about?

Joan: I was proposed to by a transvestite one time. My mother told me to marry him. It’d double my wardrobe.

Jericho: Joan?

Joan: What?

Jericho: Will you please…SHUT THE HELL UP!

Joan: OK, don’t get so snippy.

Drew: Moving along. Chris, I think we’ve all had problems like that in our lives. Doing stupid things. Suffering the reprocussions. Just keep trying to talk to Trish. If you’re really sincere and want to make things right with her…

Jericho: I do… I really do!

Drew: Keep trying and she’ll eventually take another look and give you a second chance. Don’t you agree, Joan?

Joan: Give her jewelry. Lot’s of it. Here.

(Joan hands Jericho a catalogue)

Joan: it’s the entire line of “Joan Rivers Jewelry” from QVC. Every woman loves this stuff. And if that doesn’t work, give her cash. That works every time.

Jericho: I’m not trying to buy her love. I really care about Trish.

Joan: Yeah! I’ve heard that before. Like I said, cash! It always works. And jewelry. And maybe a trip to Bermuda.

Jericho: Are you talking about Trish or yourself?

Joan: Does it matter?

Drew: Moving on. Let’s take a phone call. Caller 1 from Canada, are you there?

Caller: Yeah, I’m here. I’ve been listening to Chris and I’m familiar with the whole situation.

Drew: You watch the WWE?

Caller: Uuumm! Yeah! That’s it. Chris needs to forget about Trish. She’s a loser. Go back to hanging out with your friends. Concentrate on winning gold.

Jericho: Your voice sounds familiar.

Caller: You don’t know me! But when we, I mean he made that bet, it was all in good fun. Trish just doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Jericho: Christian, is that you?

Caller: Yeah, I mean…no. I don’t know who you’re talking about. But you need to forget about Trish.

Jericho: Christian! Why are you calling? I care about Trish. I want to be with Trish. You know that.

Christian: Whatever. We could be the tag team champs right now, but you’re dissing me for a girl. That bites.

Jericho: This won’t effect our teaming. We will be the champs. But don’t talk about Trish. I’m not dissing you.

Christian: Yes – you are.. for a girl…

Jericho: We’ll talk about this later. OK.

Christian: Whatever… And the “Asscream” was Chris’s…

(click…Christian hangs up the phone)

Drew: Well , that was interesting.

Joan: I told you he was a creepy little bastard.

Jericho: (heavy sigh) Whatver. Let’s just move on.

Drew: OK… caller number two – are you there?

Caller: Ummm…yeah. I’d like to order a pizza. Pepperoni and sausage – extra cheese. Do you have any specials?

Drew: This is not a pizza place. This is the television series, Loveline. ..

Caller: Do you deliver?

Drew: No, we discuss love and relationships and things of that nature.

Caller: Do you know the number to Domino’s?

Drew: No! But would you like to ask our guest any questions?

Caller: Ummm. Do they know the number to Domino’s?

Jericho: This is ridiculous.

Joan: It’s 555-4440.

Caller: Thanks.

(Caller hangs up)

Joan: What can I say? I like pizza?

Jericho: I feel like I’m at Schiavone’s house. This place is a circus.

Drew: We’re going to take a commercial break. We’ll be right back.

A/N And that’s where I ended it. So what do you think? Should “Loveline” be brought back? Should I do more? Should I quit while I’m ahead? Comments and reviews welcome. I wonder how Dr. Drew and Chris Jericho (and Joan Rivers) would interact today, eight years later? Hmmmmm! That’s an idea! Thanks for reading…

-Doug

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