Originally published on 3/31/15
Backstage at RAW in the WWE Locker Room…
“I am so tired of this bro!”, Zack Ryder complained to the man sitting next to him. “Nothing again for me on the show. Not even a match for Superstars!”
“Tell me about it”, Heath Slater agreed. “Here I am, the one man southern rock band, waiting and ready to go into action and steal the show and all I’ve got to shw for it is a night sitting around in catering.”
“But that chicken salad is good”, Zack noted.
“Yeah, it is”, Heath agreed. “But that’s not the point. I remember when we did the Nexus. I was teaming with Gabriel and we were over… big time. And the whole build to RAW 1000 when I was fighting the legends.”
“That was awesome bro!”, Zack agreed.
“It was”, Heath smiled at the memories. “But now… nothing! And the way they did you was even worse!”
“Yeah, I know bro”, Zack said. “They keep saying reach for that brass ring and get yourself over. I did it by myself with the Long Island Iced Z show and the internet. I’m still the Internet Champ. Did you know that?”
“I hear you man”, Heath said.
“I was getting over. The fans chanted my name over The Rock at Madison Square Garden. Remember that?”
“Yeah! That was great!”, Heath laughed.
“I’m the U.S. Champion and then they stick me with Eve and Cena in a crappy storyline. I get used by Eve, betrayed by Cena and Kane kicks my ass and I never even get a chance to get paybacks!”
“That was wrong as hell”, Heath agreed.
“Me against Cena would have blown the roof off of any arena if booked right, but hell, they wouldn’t even book it at all. And Kane… ”
“That could have been a good feud too”, Heath said.
“Hell, even Glenn said that the way they did me was wrong! It just sucks!”, Zack concluded.
“Yeah, I understand now why Justin left the company like he did. They push their favorites and it doesn’t matter if the fans like you or you bust your ass in that ring… it’s all politics and who the writers like.”
“And who kisses Hunter’s and Steph’s and Vince’s ass the most!”, Zack said.
Heath laughed, “Hell, if it’ll get me more tv time, I’ll kiss all the ass they want!”
“I’ve already taken donut filled stinkfaces to get here”, Zack laughed. “Kissing ass would nothing compared to that.”
“Yeah, I saw the video! That was sick!”, Heath said.
“It got us off early from training on a Friday”, Zack noted. “And it made DeMott laugh so…”
Both men got quiet as their conversation was interrupted by the appearance of former 2-time World Champion Christian.
“Hey girls, what are you over here chatting and gossiping about?”, Christian asked as he approached the two men.
“Hey Jay”, Heath said. “We were just talking about how hard it is to get any tv time around here…”
“Or even get used at all”, Zack added.
“Oh yeah, I know all about that”, Christian agreed with the two men. “It’s so political and all about who you can get to work for you on the creative team.”
“The politics suck!”, Zack interjected. “But hell, you know how to play them. You’re a two time World Champion, not to mention all the tag titles and Intercontiental Championship reigns.”
“And there were those multiple NWA Championship reigns down in TNA too”, Heath said.
“I’ve been lucky”, Christian said. “Most of the stuff here though honestly was because of Edge. He knows how to cut through the games and get the attention and push we needed. I was just along for the ride mostly!”
“Nah bro, you earned those World title reigns”, Zack said.
“And now, I can’t even get a match on a house show or any kind of tv spot… not even as a background character.”
“They said that that was because of your injury issues”, Heath said. “They don’t want you to get any more concussions and be liable.”
“So why not use me as a commentator? Or a backstage interviewer? Or even run the Peep Show on the house shows as a bonus for the fans? Instead, I’m sitting back here or at home just riding out my contract.”
“But you did those guest spots on Haven”, Zack noted.
“And again, that was because of Edge”, Christian said. “Adam wanted me there and the producers agreed because it made him happy.”
“I heard it might become a recurring role”, Heath said.
“We’re talking”, Chrstian said. “But there hasn’t been a final decision on that yet. But the thing with that is, I don’t want to be an actor on a tv show. It’s cool and all that, but boring as hell sometimes. I like to wrestle and perform and be out in front of those fans. Can you feel me?”
“Absolutely bro”, Zack answered.
“Definitely”, Heath agreed.
“So anyhow, I’ve got an idea to approach Vince with and I think you guys would be the right ones to work with me on this. It could get us all back on TV and over like cheese on spaghetti.”
“Cheese on spaghetti?”, Heath asked.
“It’s a metaphor bro”, Zack said. “Just go with it.”
Heath nodded and Zack motioned to Christian to continue.
“What I’m thinking is a mid-card heel stable with the two of you, Zack & Slater, and myself as your manager. We could call it the Christian Coalition!”, Christian said.
“I see what you did there”, Zack laughed.
“What?”, Christian said.
“Is Dennis Haskins around?”, Zack laughed again. “You just made a ‘Saved by the Bell’ joke.”
“What?”, Christian asked once more.
“Oh, I get it”, Slater laughed. “Zack and Slater! All we need now is Screech!”
“What are you guy talking about?”, Christian asked.
“Saved by the Bell? The old tv series? The two main characters were Zack Morris and A.C. Slater”, Zack replied.
“I loved that show”, Heath said. “And Lisa was soooo hot!”
“I was in love with Kelly”, Zack admitted.
“What the hell are you two talking about?”, Christian asked. “I’m talking about saving our careers here and you’re talking about an old tv show.”
“But the show was awesome bro”, Zack said.
“You mean you never watched it?”, Heath asked.
“No”, Christian said. “When I was growing up, I was playing sports and chasing women. I didn’t have time for TV.”
“Oh!”, Zack and Heath said at the same time.
“And by the way, Jessie was the hot one”, Christian added with a smirk.
Zack & Heath got a confused look on their face and then broke out with a laugh as they realized that Christian was jerking their chains a bit.
“Of course I watched it”, Chrstian admitted. “Me and Edge used to watch it every Saturday morning at Edge’s house. His mom would fix us pancakes and those little sausages, the long skinny ones, and we watched the show.”
“Cool beans”, Zack smiled.
“But as I was saying, i think we have the makings for a great mid-card heel team and I want to approach Steph and Vince about it. Are you guys interested?”
“Hell yeah”, Heath said.
“What about you, Zack?”, Christian asked.
“Woo woo woo… you know it!”, Ryder said.
“Great”, Christian said. “I’m going to go talk to Steph now and I’ll get back to you guys in a little bit!”
As Christian walked off, Zack looked at Heath.
“Do you really think that his idea will work?”, he asked.
“It can’t hurt and it’s better than spending every Monday and Tuesday night sitting in catering”, Heath replied.
“True on that”, Zack agreed. “Now I’m going to go get some more of that chicken salad. Do you want some?”
“Yeah, that stuff is great”, Heath answered. “Let’s go get some before Ryback eats it all up.”
“Damn, that man can eat”, Zack laughed. “Let’s go!”
~ SsSsSsSs ~
The next week at the Smackdown taping, Christian, Slater and Ryder are backstage talking.
“So you guys know the plan, right?, Christian asked.
“You know it bro”, Ryder said while Slater just nodded.
“I’m heading out there to do the Peep Show. Wait for my cue and then come on out!”
The two men nodded once more as Christian made his way to the Gorilla position. He smiled to himself. After several meetings with Stephanie McMahon, she had finally agreed to go with him to meet with Vince McMahon and present his ideas. And surprisingly, Vince liked the idea. Several “ha ha ha’s” later and they had worked out the details and it was a go. And now, Christian was heading out to the ring to put the plans in motion.
“Maybe I can’t get cleared to wrestle”, he thought to himself. “But I can sure as hell make a major impact!”
Christian went to the ring and got the mic.
“Welcome Peeps, to another Emmy award winning edition of The Peep Show”, he started off. “Lots of craziness going on now in the WWE Universe and especially in an area that I am very familiar with, the tag team division. My guest are the current holders of the tag team titles, and I want to bring them out now, accompanied by Natalya, it’s Tyson Kidd and Cesaro.”
Kidd, Cesaro and Natalya come out and after some bantering back and forth, Christian gets to the point.
“I want to let you know that I have a lot of respect for you two men”, he begins. “And I think that you’re one of the best tag teams ever to hold those titles. Not as good as me and Edge, but still an amazing team.”
“We’re better than you and Edge ever hoped to be”, Kidd interjected. “We are the current and forever WWE Tag Team Champions.”
“Forever? That’s arguable”, Christian noted. “Because I have a team back there that wants to challenge you for those belts.”
“Who is it? The Usos? We already beat them. The Matadores? Two freaks and a miniture cow? They’re a joke!”, Kidd said.
“Is it you and Edge?”, Cesaro asked. “Are you ready to be crippled for life?”
“Who is it Christian?”, Natayla asked. “Who have you got?”
“It’s these men”, Christian said as he waved to the back. “My team!”
And everyone turned to the rampway and here comes two men. Micheal Cole is screaming at the announce table.
“Is it? Who the hell?”
“I know these men”, Booker T says. “That’s Bill and Randy. That’s the Mulkey Brothers!”
“Mulkey Mania is running wild!”, JBL throws in as the two long-time resident WCW jobbers, Bill and Randy Mulkey enter the ring.
“Is this a joke?”, Tyson Kidd screams at Christian. “Who the hell are these two senior citizen clowns!”
Cesaro and Natalya are just laughing.
“These men, the Mulkey Brothers, want to wrestle you for the WWE Tag Team Titles”, Christian said. “It’s not a joke! It’s for real… so what do you say?”
Tyson looks over at Cesaro who just laughs and shrugs his shoulders.
“Whatever”, Kidd laughs. “Get a ref in here and start the match!”
Referee Charles Robinson quickly climbs into the ring as the ring crew move out the Peep Show props. It’s time for a match with the current WWE Tag Team Champions, Tyson Kidd and Cesaro defending the tag titles against the legendary Mulkey Brothers. Christian is at ringside. The ref rings the bell and immediately, Cesaro and Kidd go on the attack. It’s not a match, but more of a mauling. It’s immediately obvious that the champs are too much for their older opponents and are playing with them. Suddenly, Christian gets up and climbs on the ring apron. He’s saying something to Kidd and Cesaro and they are both facing him, arguing with the man once known as “Captain Charisma”.
Suddenly, from seemingly out of nowhere, here is Heath Slater and Zack Ryder hitting the ring. They have chairs in hand and immediately go after the tag team champs, waffling them with the steel chairs. Natalya goes to help her husband and his partner, but Christian grabs her by the hair and nails Natalya with the Kill-Switch. It’s total mayhem as Ryder and Slater continue to beat down Kidd and Cesaro with the chairs. Both men are down and out on the canvas. Natalya is down as well. Christian goes to ringside and gets the WWE Tag Team Championship belts. He hands one to Ryder and the other to Slater and raises both their arms as they stand over the fallen Champions.
“And here you are… the Christian Coalition”, Christian said as he raised the arms of the two men. “The days of smiles and laughing and jokes are over. This is the future of the WWE! These men will get the respect and honor they deserve and so will I… even if we have to lay out every man in the WWE to do it!”
He looked down at the fallen Kidd and Cesaro who were trying to rise up. A nod to Slater and Ryder and they moved in and started stomping away to keep the two men down. Satisfied that neither Kidd nor Cesaro would be able to get up anytime soon, Christian continued talking.
“We will be the next tag team champions of the WWE. And to all the other men holding championship titles, here’s a warning… watch your back because no one is safe.”
And then Christian handed the mic to Ryder.
“Anything you want to say, Zack?”, he asked.
Zack looked directly into the camera and with a wicked smirk on his face, “Woo woo woo… you know it… bitches!”
And then Slater and Ryder grabbed the fallen body of Tyson Kidd and tossed him from the ring to the floor. They then moved over and did the same to Cesaro. And then they looked at Natalya, who was starting to pull herself up.
The fans were booing loudly as they went over and picked up Natalya. As Slater held her, Ryder and Christian talked junk directly in her face. Then Ryder reached over and kissed her on the mouth, laughing as he broke away. Slater let her arms go and she fell to the mat.
Laughing, Christian, Heath Slater and Zack Ryder then left the ring, the arena filled with the sounds of boos and catcalls. Natalya moved from the ring and went to check on her husband and his partner, who were still laying outside the ring, barely moving.
As Christian, Slater and Ryder walked to the back, there was a common thought in all of their heads.
“No one will ever disrespect us again! And if they try, the Coalition will make sure they pay!”