Written on 8/21/16
Archie Bunker walked into his home and slammed the door.
“Edith, I’m home!”
Edith Bunker came running from the kitchen, wrapping her arms around her husband and kissing him repeatedly on the cheek.
“Archie, how was your day!”
“Get off me, you dingbat! I’m tired and I need a beer!”
“Aw”, Edith sighed. “I’ll get your beer, Archie”, she smiled.
As Edith went into the kitchen to get Archie a beer, he continued to talk.
“It was rough at work today. Ol’ Stetch Cunningham didn’t come in and I had to work his job too!”
“I’m sorry Archie”, Edith said as she walked back into the room, handing him a cool beer. “Why wasn’t Stretch there? Was he sick?”
“Nah”, Archie complained. “Something about something… I don’t know! He’s gonna be out all week though!”
“I hope he’s okay”, Edith said, worringly.
“Aw, Stretch will be okay! He’s the funniest man I know! You know that, Edith?”
“Yeah, I know”, Edith agreed.
“So when’s dinner gonna be ready?”, Archie asked. “I’m starving over here?”
“It won’t be long. I heard some good news today?”, Edith answered.
“Good news?”, Archie asked. “What? Did Gloria finally decide to dump the meathead?”
“Archie, that isn’t nice”, Edith said disaprovingly.
“Yeah, we wouldn’t be that lucky”, Archie sighed. “So what’s the news?”
“We’re getting new neighbors”, Edith smiled. “A new family is moving into the Jefferson house.”
“Not no more coloreds, are they?”, Archie asked suspiciously.
“Archie?”, Edith started to say, but Archie cut her off.
“Louise was okay and I like Lionel… he got a smart mouth sometimes, but he’s a good kid. But that George Jefferson…”
“I miss George and Louise”, Edith said sadly.
“Yeah, I know you do”, Archie sighed. “But what about the new neighbors? Who are they?”
“Well, I met the young girl today. Her name is Marilyn and she said it’s her, her Aunt and Uncle, her grandfather and her cousin?”
“One of ‘dem there extended famila’s, huh!”, Archie said.
“She’s a beautiful girl, blond haired and very polite. I think her and Gloria could be good friends.”
“What’s their name?”, Archie asked.
“Munder or Munker… no, that’s not right. Oh yeah, Munster”, Edith said.
“Is that Italian?”, Archie asked.
“I don’t know”, Edith replied. “But Marilyn seemed really sweet. From what she explained, it’s just temporary. There was some kind of accident at their home and it’s being fixed and they’re moving next door until the repairs are done.”
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!”, Edith said, jumping up and rushing towards the door. She opened the door and greeted the young woman standing there.
“Come in”, Edith said. “Archie, this is our new neighbor, Marilyn. And Marilyn, this is my husband, Archie Bunker.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Bunker”, Marilyn said. “You’ve got a wonderful wife.”
“Yeah, she’s a hoot!”, Archie muttered.
“I was just telling Archie about you and your family moving in next door”, Edith smiled. “What can we do for you?”
“Well, my Aunt Lily and Uncle Herman just arrived a few minutes ago. Grandpa and Eddie, my cousin, will be here tomorrow. But Aunt Lily was starting to fix dinner and realized she forgot to get any eggs from the supermarket. So I was hoping we could borrow a couple of eggs until tomorrow?”
“No problem”, Edith smiled. “I’ve got an extra carton in the icebox. I’ll go get them for you!”
“Thank you so much”, Marilyn smiled.
As Edith went to the kitchen, there was a knock on the door. Archie walked over and answered and there, in the door, stood a man, seven feet tall, with a flat head, green skin and bolts sticking out of his neck.
“Hi neighbor!”, the giant man bellowed. “My name is Herman Munster and I was looking for my niece, Marilyn.”
Archie just stood there, speechless, as the big man stood there grinning at him.
“Good Lord almighty!”, he finally muttered.
Marilyn called out to the man, “Hi Uncle Herman!”
“Marilyn, your Aunt Lily told me to tell you that she found the eggs. Grandpa had packed them with his portable lab equipment.”
“Oh, okay”, Marilyn smiled. “Mr. Bunker, this is my Uncle Herman.”
“Good lord almighty!”, Archie said once more as the huge man reached over and shook his hand.
“How are you doing, Mr. Bunker”, Herman bellowed once more.
“You’re… tall”, Archie said, looking for the right words.
“I was well buillt”, Herman laughed.
Edith came waling back into the room from the kitchen, carrying a carton of eggs.
“I found them”, she said. “Did I hear voices in…”
Edith stopped at the sight of Herman Munster, standing there in her living room.
“Mrs. Bunker”, Marilyn said with a smile. “This is my Uncle Herman. He came over to tell me that my Aunt Lily found her eggs. So I won’t need to borrow any.”
“Oh”, Edith smiled weakly, still staring at Herman. “That’s nice!”
“Uncle Herman, this is Mrs. Bunker”, Marily said to her Uncle.
“Always a pleasure to meet a beautiful woman”, Herman said as he politely shook Edith’s hand.
“You’re… tall”, Edith stammered out, unsure of what to say.
“Thank you”, Herman said.
“So as I was saying, Mrs. Bunker, my Aunt Lily found her eggs so we won’t need to borrow any. Thank you so much though.”
Pulling herself together, Edith smiled at the young blonde woman.
“No problem. If you change your mind and need them, just let me know!”
“I will Mrs. Bunker”, Marilyn smiled.
“And we need to get back over to the house”, Herman spoke up. “Lily is preparing dinner and if we’re late, she can be a real monster.”
“Her too?”, Archie muttered, but no one seemed to notice.
“Okay, Uncle Herman”, Marilyn smiled. “Thank you Mrs. Bunker. Mr. Bunker.”
“Nice meeting you folks”, Herman said as he and his niece exited out the front door.
As the door closed, Archie turned to Edith.
“What the hell was that?”, Archie asked.
“He was tall!”, Edith said.
“He had freakin’ green skin”, Archie said.
“Maybe he has a condition?”, Edith asked.
“He had bolts coming out of neck”, Archie pointed out.
“A fashion statement?”, Edith asked.
“Our new neighbors are monsters Edith… They’re monsters!”
“Nah, their last name is Munster… with a U”, Edith remarked.
“Shut up, you dingbat!”, Archie sighed. “My daughter married a meathead, my wife is a dingbat and now we got monsters living next door!”
“Munsters, not monsters”, Edith repeated.
“Could things really get any worse?”, Archie sighed.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it”, Edith squealed as she ran towards the door.
Edith opened up the door.
“Who is it?”, Archie asked.
“It’s Cousin Maude”, Edith screamed happily.
“Maude?”, Archie said, a look of disgust covering his face.
Archie turned and looked and there was Edith’s cousin, Maude, standing in the door way, two suitcases next to her.
“Archie, quit looking stupid and get my luggage”, Maude said. “Walter is an idiot and I’m staying with you and Edith.”
“What?”, Archie yelled as Edith smiled.
“But of course”, Edith said. “You’re always welcome here, Maude. Wait until you meet our new neighbors!”
“No, no, no, no, no!”, Archie kept saying.
“Archie, stifle!”, Maude said. “Put my bags in the guest room and I’ll go help Edith get dinner ready.”
Archie stood there, turning red and at a loss for words.
“How can this day get any worse?”, he muttered finally.
“Archie, you’re out of beer”, Maude yelled from the kitchen.
“Oh vey”, Archie muttered again as he sat in his chair.
“First monsters and now Maude! Next thing you know, ol’ Jefferson is going come knocking at the door!”
And suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
“Lord, no!”, Archie sighed. “Please, no!”