12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 3: Grandma’s House, Jay & Silent Bob & The Perfect Present…

12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 3
Grandma’s House, Jay & Silent Bob & The Perfect Present
December 10, 2017
DougMaynard.com

It’s Day 3 and it’s a lovely Sunday morning. I decided to sleep late and managed to stay in bed until almost 10:00. Yay for me since my usual waking up time is 9:00 am most days and on the days I open at the store, around 6:30 am. Of course, I don’t usually go to bed until around 2 – 2:30 am so it’s not as peachy as it sounds. I need more sleep. I also need better time management skills, to start walking again for exercise and a personal assistant, preferably a young, cute man with a great ass. On second thought, in today’s crazy world where everything is sexual harassment and vile, evil and disgusting, any assistant that I had would probably be calling Gloria Allred within a week and be holding a press conference. Truthfully, I’m glad I’m not rich and famous (thank you wrestling) because given my natural dirty mind and mouth and how I used to act sometimes back when I was drinking (blame it on the alcohol), it probably wouldn’t be a pretty picture. Yeah, your boy here was something of a perv back in the day. But I’m doing much better now and I totally behave myself 100% of the time. Unless you’re young and cute and we’re talking on social media or Instant messenger or in private or not so private, but I like your eyes or butt or whatever. And then, it’s on. Oh vey, I’m going to get sued one day.

By the way, all of the above, I’m joking… really. I am always the perfect gentleman with every guy I talk to or meet. Really, I am. Quit laughing. I think I should change the subject. Go Trump! Let’s move on.

So what’s on the agenda for today? Well, I think I’m going to get a bit nostalgic and write a little bit about my Grandma Vick and our trips, when I was a child, to her home up in South Point, Ohio. That’s one topic. And the others will be… Let’s reach into the “Magic Bag” and find out. We’ve got “Jay & Silent Bob” from regular bag and from the special “Christmas edition” bag, we’ve got “The Perfect Present”. Looks like we’ve got our topics for the day with “Grandma’s House”, “Jay & SIlent Bob” and the “Perfect Present”. Let’s do this…

The Perfect Present…

How do you select the right gift for someone, especially around Christmas or their birthday? It’s never easy to do. You look for something that you know that they’ll like or something practical that they can use and try to stay within your budget and no matter what you decide upon, it’s probably wrong. Buying for youngsters and kids is easy. They want toys or games for their Play Station and nothing else. Get a cool toy, add in a shirt or pants for practical purposes to prove that you’re still a responsible adult and not just a big kid yourself and you’re done. Then they get older and no matter what you decide that they might like, it’s wrong and while they may put on the fake smile and act all excited and happy, inside they’re going “what the hell?”. That’s when you just start giving cash or gift cards. They’re not as personal or as much fun and don’t require much thought, but they work every time. That way, the gift recipient can get what they want and use the money or card as they please. You did your part and they get to make the final call and be happy. And then, finally, you get the older person. I won’t mention her name (Mom), but they don’t want anything. They get offended if you give them money, yet whatever else you get isn’t what they want or need and they say thank you, but the gift is put away in a closet and only brought out again when they know you’ll be visiting. The best thing here is a card with money enclosed and take them out for dinner… or cook them dinner if they’re as anti-social as I… I mean “:you” are. They don’t want anything anyhow, but your time and patience and company. Is it really too much to give? So the perfect gift is just give yourself… you really can’t go wrong there.

Jay & Silent Bob…

Two characters, portrayed by Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes, who are featured in most of Smith’s movies, the ones centered in the View Askew Universe, and they are something else. Kevin is “Silent Bob” and he’s, as his name implies, the quiet one. He only speaks when he has something to say, remaining most of the time the silent observer, chain smoking and watching in wide-eyed wonder as the world passes by and at the antics of his best friend and “hetero-life mate”, Jay. And Jay, he can and will do anything, has no censor between his brain and his mouth, is a human time bomb of utter craziness and beneath it all, has a heart of gold. Based on the real life friendship and relationship of Smith & Mewes, Jay & Silent Bob are the perfect combination. Bob is the voice of reason in a world of insanity and Jay is the loose cannon that says and does what Bob would like to do, but can’t or won’t. They are the ying to the yang, the Spock to the Kirk, the Robin to the Batman, the Willie to the Waylon, the Double-A to the Nature Boy, the HHH to the HBK, etc. I can go on and on with this, but the bottom line is that they are two bodies and one soul that doesn’t make sense and shouldn’t work, but still does. Everyone should have themselves a Jay or a Silent Bob in their lives, depending on which one they are.

And with that in mind, I’m lucky that I have exactly that, literally it seems. My BFF is Jay to a tee.He’s crazy, loud, outspoken, intelligent, a little bit bossy and likes to be in control. He’s also creative, borderline psychotic and has a heart the size of Chicago, although he tries to keep it hidden and act like he’s all tough and black-hearted most of the time. And then I’m the “Silent Bob” in that I’m (in public at least) the quiet one. I prefer to keep to the background and let my brother have the spotlight. I work best behind the scenes and thrive on my creative outlets. I’ve even got the Silent Bob belly going on and the self-depreciating style of dark humor. He compliments me and makes up for my shortcomings and I like to think that I’m able to do the same for him. People don’t quite get how our relationship works and sometimes I wonder about that myself, but it does and it’s a bond that few will ever know or enjoy. I’ve been blessed. I’m a real life “Silent Bob” and I have myself a real life “Jay” as my best friend. It’s a wild and crazy ride sometimes and not always easy, but I wouldn’t trade it or him for nothing, just like Smith is with Mewes. ‘Nuff said!

And now…

Grandma’s House

Last night while at the Dollar General with my Mom (and that’s a story for another day… Lord help us!), I came across a can filled with “Washburn’s Old Fashioned Hard Candy”, and it triggered some memories of days gone by. More specifically, memories of those great times when I was a kid where we, my family and I, traveled to South Point, Ohio and visited my Grandma Vick. She always had a jar of that old fashioned candy sitting around and it was hard as a rock, all stuck together. I think having a jar of candy for the small kids is a requirement for being a Grandma. But I remember it so well, trying to break apart these candies that were all stuck together and had probably been there for years. I remember throwing wood into the fireplace that always seemed to be blazing and I remember so many little knick-knacks and small items that were on display everywhere. It was so old-fashioned there and so cool and Grandma always seemed to be in the kitchen trying to feed us or else sitting in her chair in the living room just watching us, a smile on her face as if she was lost in memories. Thinking back, although I was too young to really understand it all at the time, she probably was. Grandma was up in years already when I was born and my Grandpa died in the early 70’s and she had lived a full life already by then, with nine children, a career as a general storekeeper and postmaster (think Cora Beth on The Waltons) and so much more and then, here are these grandkids running about all over the place. I’m sure we triggered a lot of memories for me. I just wish I had been old enough to understand and ask questions and talk to her then. It would have been a learning experience for sure.

It’s weird how I can still remember her house and every small detail, but can’t even remember some of the places I’ve lived at myself over the years or sometimes, even what I’m supposed to be doing at the time. Her house was the traditional old country style house and it was huge. Technically, it had only six rooms, but they were large and comfortable and just felt like home. You walk into the house, off the front porch and there is a small, but cozy living room with a fire burning in the fireplace, as I already mentioned. Immediately to your right as you entered was a room used as a bedroom. A strange place for a bedroom, but it had been used by my Grandpa’s mother, my great grandmother, when she was up in years and stayed with my grandparents. She couldn’t get around well and the two rooms upstairs were definitely out of the question so they fixed this room up for her bedroom and after she passed, they just kept it as an extra bedroom. Straight on through the living room, you entered the dining room and kitchen. I look back now and this was a very huge room. A big table that could hold 10 – 12 people and a standard kitchen with a small pantry off to the right that also led to a door that led outside to the back yard. That table was always full of plates of food where breakfast was served and whatever was left was covered up and served for lunch. That’s how it was done back then.

Go back to where you entered the kitchen from the living room and there was this room that Grandma used as her bedroom. Also, the only bathroom in the house was located in this area. So if you wanted to go to the bathroom at night or go upstairs to the other two rooms, you had to go through Grandma’s bedroom. She went to bed usually around 7:00 or so at night so there was as lot of tip-toeing and trying to be quiet. In the corner of Grandma’s bedroom was a door that when opened, led to a long set of steps that would take you upstairs. Two rooms, also used as bedrooms were here. Large rooms with old fashioned cubbards and huge closets that were actually long and narrow and tiny rooms all unto themselves. These were the rooms where I always liked to stay and would spend hours playing with my cousins and listening to the radio.

Outside of her house was all country. There was the old barn, full of treasures to be discovered and discarded items from the days when Grandma and Grandpa had their store. There was the small room where my Uncle Denver decided to put a pool table. We had the old chicken coop that my cousins and I cleaned out and made into a club-house. There was a garden of course and an old root cellar with a small room above it where one of Uncle’s would stay when they came to visit. There were three old barrels for burning trash and a steep yard on the side of the house where several huge rocks poked out of the ground. A small creek ran beside the house and across the creek, up on the hill, lived my Aunt and Uncle and my cousins, Clint and Cliff. Looking back, that whole area and time was paradise. How I would love to be able to go back now and relive those days, see that house again and the people.

Unfortunately, I can’t do that. Grandma passed away many years ago at the age of 104, I believe. My cousins and Aunt have moved away and I haven’t spoken to them in years and my Uncle who lived on the hill passed away a few years ago as well. I doubt that old house is still even there and I’m sure that things have changed a great deal since my childhood and the days we used to travel and visit. At least I’ve still got the memories. Rest in Peace, Grandma Vick. I love and miss you.

And that’s where this ends for today. Thanks for reading. Have a great one and I’ll see you folks later. Take care.

Ubuntu!

@00 1 1 hard candies meme

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