Flashback: From 5 years ago today…
Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 3: Walls
And so the adventure continues. It’s only Day 3 of 30 and already I’m beginning to wonder, “what was I thinking?”. The fire and inspiration for this project is quickly beginning to wane. *sighs* But I told myself that I was going to do this and thus, I will. Let’s reach into the magic box and see what’s on the agenda for today. And the topic is… “Walls”… Okay, let’s do this…
Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 3: Walls
January 5, 2013
When I reached into the magic box and pulled out this word, two ways to approach the topic of “walls” immediately popped into my head. I can take it literally and talk about the walls that surround me in my house, talk about the colors of paint, the items hanging on them, the history that these walls have seen, etc… Or I can take it more into the metaphoric sense and talk about the concept of building walls to keep people from getting too close. Few people know more or are better at that particular topic than I. And then I realized that I should just do it both ways… because that’s how I roll. So I will…
Let’s talk about the most literal sense of the word, the walls that surround me here in my computer / living room. They’re white. Could use a fresh coat of paint actually. Nothing fancy or extreme here. Looking around, the only things hanging on the walls is a big old desk calendar where I keep track of my work schedule (it’s hanging right above my computer desk), a rather nice mirror and a rather cool picture of an old farm house by a lake. This picture reminds me of when we used to live out in the middle of nowhere in Maxton, NC and there was an abandoned old house just down the road from us that looked like the one in the pic. I guess that’s why the pic is here. And it’s just cool looking too. Other than those few things, this room is pretty boring. We’ve got the couch and chairs, the TV, several red plastic totes full of old VHS tapes, a coffee table and my cat’s box. For some reason, she loves to be inside boxes. Go figure? Damn cat! And of course, my computer. Can’t forget the most important thing in the room, right?
So that covers that. I could elaborate more, but I’m sure that anyone who is actually reading this is probably saying, “Enough already! Give us a break!” And besides, it’s time to move on to the more interesting aspect of the topic of the day and that’s the walls that can’t be seen or touched, but are so damn real. I’m talking about the walls that people (like me) build to keep people from getting too close and thus causing hurt, pain, etc.
I’ve often been accused of being an ass-hole, beign anti-social, being introverted, and a few other things that I don’t feel like repeating here. And you know why I am the way I am? Hell, that’s a question for the ages, isn’t it? It’s because I don’t generally like people all that much and people suck!
Okay, I’m just kidding. (But there are some sucky-ass people out there that I really, truly do not like. Just saying!) I am how I am and who I am because I put up those infamous metaphoric walls to keep people from getting too close and getting to know / see the real me. Everyone gets to see a part of me and different aspects of who and what I am, but as far as the total package goes, that’s reserved for very, very few and far between. And the reason for this? Because I’ve been fucked over and hurt before by “friends” who I relied on, trusted, considered to be family, etc. And I decided that it’s not going to happen again. Better to be alone and moderately content rather than take a chance, let someone else in and get used, talked about, manipulated, lied too and cast aside when I quit playing their games and being part of their agenda. People are cruel sometimes, whether they realize it or not, and though I can’t lock myself away and totally hide from the world and all social interaction (although Lord help me, I’ve tried), I’ve found that if I keep it casual, don’t let anyone get too close, and maintain my ass-clown persona, it seems to help keep out the lies, pain and hurt. It also pisses some people off and I hate that, but I just can’t take the chance to let anyone too close and trust again. Not ideal, but it’s what I’ve got to do.
I know it’s not a good thing or a good way to live or be, but it’s what I deem necessary. Even my closest friends, who I value and hold so dear and close to my heart, can only get so close because I know that in the end, it’ll be just like the Johnny Cash / Nine Inch Nails song “Hurt”, “everyone I know goes away in the end”… I’m a realist who would rather be a dreamer. I’d like to think that if I let my real feelings show and let down these walls I’ve built for so many years, that all would be hunky-dory and that I could say “No” and stop being the “nice guy” and just be me. But I know that’s not how it is. That’s not the real world and that’s not my world. I give them what they want – the good natured, occasionally sarcastic shell of a man who just likes to cut the fool, doesn’t take anything too serious and is always looking out for everyone else. They’re happy with what they get to see and me… well, does it really matter.
I’ve built up some big walls over the years to conceal some big hurt, big pains and big betrayals of friendship and trust. I’ve had my heart ripped out and tossed to the floor and stomped on repeatedly. I’ve allowed myself to be used again and again, only to be cast aside when the magic “no” word comes up or else when they find someone or something else to occupy their time and attention. It’s a lonely world sometimes, but a man has to do what a man has to do and I refuse to be hurt again.
And damn, this has gotten so depressing. I wanted to write these things to get myself back into the game and prove to myself mainly that I’ve still got “it” and that I can write about any subject and make it semi-interesting. But instead, I’m just getting sad and pitiful. Oh vey! Let’s close this bad mama-jama up.
I’m not an angel, but I’m a pretty decent guy overall. And maybe one day, I’ll find the right people or persons that will allow me to lower these metaphoric walls a bit and just let the whole package, the real me, truly show himself and be free. Maybe one day, I’ll be strong enough and healed enough to truly leave this shelter and be a part of the real world? And maybe, just maybe, I can break these walls down and just say screw it!
When that happens, the pushing people away might stop. The smile on the outside, but tears on the inside might stop. The constant introspection might stop. The withdrawn nature and lack of self-confidence might finally stop. These walls were built for a reason. And maybe I’ll live long enough to not have that reason anymore and be able to break these walls down and one day, finally be free. Yeah, one day!
And that’s it. I’ll be back tomorrow.