Flashback: Pope Goes The Weasel…

From five years ago.  What the hell was I thinking when I wrote this?  Oh vey!

Thirty (More) Days of Dougie – Part 9: Pope Goes The Weasal

So what should I talk about for today?  I was going to do another wrestling related piece for the “Thirty (More) Days” thingy, but then, when sitting in the back seat listening to the insanity that is InFamousTV (whatever the hell that is), a few other ideas came into my head.  So the wrestling thing will have to wait at least another couple of days while I address these other ideas.  And I hope that no one gets too offended.  This is just one of said ideas.  Let’s do this.



Thirty (More) Days of Dougie – Part 9:  Pope Goes The Weasal


Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he will be retiring. This is obviously big news for the millions of those who practice the Catholic fate, roughly seventeen percent of the world’s population if I recall.  Popes do not resign from office.  They usually just die and then a new Pope is elected by the Cardinals and other officials of the Catholic church.  But this time around, we’ll have not only a new Pope, but the old Pope too.  Two Popes for your pop, I guess.  (Forgive me if I sound sacrilegious.  It’s not my intention, but I’m not a big fan of any organized religion, most of which are ripe with corruption.  And the Catholic church is, in my opinion, among the very worst and most dishonest of the bunch, especially under the leadership of this Pope Benedict.)

But anyhow, since the officials and powers-that-be of the Catholic church will have to elect a new leader, I’d like to throw a name into the mix.  Me!  I know that there are a few minor problems with having a middle-aged, cash register monkey / internet wrestling journalist take over as leader of such a large and powerful religious organization, the least of which is that I’m not catholic. But hell, if Barack Obama can be President of the United States and he’s not even American, why can’t I be Pope? It’s just a matter of a few documents being shuffled around here and there and I’m as qualified as anyone.

Some might say that I’m not religious enough, but I believe in a higher power and I believe in looking out for folks and do unto others as they would do to me, so I think that would cover that area.

Maybe I’m not a Catholic priest, but is that really a problem.  I do have an ordained minister license from the Progressive Universal Life Church, so that covers the credentials part.  And I like young men, so that would cover the rest of the credibility issue too.  After all, a minister’s license and a lust for young male flesh – that pretty much covers it.  Of course, I like my men to be of legal age, so that might be a slight issue.  Unlike many of the great leaders under this Pope, I’m not a pedo.  I just play one on TV… lol

Damn, I think we just found the problem. I guess I can’t be the Pope then.  Okay, I’d like to nominate Father Guido Sarducci (from the old Saturday Night Live episodes.)  He’s just as qualified as any of the other potential candidates.  And unlike me, he’s actually Catholic.  Anyone care to second my nomination?  Or maybe Kevin Smith (of Clerks, Jay & Silent Bob fame).  He’s catholic, he knows about the church (watch the movie “Dogma”) and you either love him or hate him.  There’s no gray area with this man.

So who should the next Pope be?  Myself? Father Guido?  Kevin Smith?  Nah, they’ll probably select some eighty year old dude with an attitude from 1460 and an appearance to match.  I’d be much more fun.

Damn, I just realized something. I’d be the first (openly) gay Pope if elected.  That would really shake things up… lol

Anyhow, those are my thoughts (with tongue planted firmly in cheek).  I’ve got to go get paid and do some paying too.  I’m out of here.


@00 @ a jay & silent bob

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