Originally Posted: JANUARY 06, 2006
I found this on a sheet of paper in my desk – I don’t remember where it came from – probably TMA – but it’s kind of cute!!!
HOW TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A WEDDING!
Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.
Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
Offer to show people pictures of the bride fucking a dog.
Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change.
Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitaion clinic.
As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.
As the bride’s mother for a handjob.
Give the bride some Altoids and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.
Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.
Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter belt, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra!…”
Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him and ask if he’ll settle for “shtupping the bride!”
Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “hung like a horse”.
Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing “The Lady Is A Tramp”.
Yeah – a bit cheezy sometimes, but still – just imagine a wedding where someone was actually doing some of these things. I’d like to attend that one for sure. Have a great night everyone!