Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie
Bagpipes & Boobs
April 27, 2020
DougMaynard.com

Good morning (if there is such a thing) and welcome to a Monday edition of A Day of Dougie. This is where I write about pretty much anything and everything and it gets pretty random sometimes, but then again so do I so it’s all okay. I’ll get to the “Magic Bag” and the topics for discussion in a bit, but before all of that, I want to talk about something very near and dear to my heart. And that is boobs!

Boobs…

Yes, the massive beasties that are female breasts. I’ve seen far too many of them out lately, bouncing around and exposed for all the world to see. And what, dear friends, is the problem with that, you ask? I’m a gay man and boobs don’t do a thing for me unless they’re on a sexy guy of Latino origin from St. Andrews University with a great smile, legs, and ass or a very cool young man who drinks way too much Jose Cuervo and needs to get up with me soon. And when a two-hundred and fifty-pound creature of an alleged female nature comes into my store, my personal space, with stretchy pants that are three sizes too small and a very low cut shirt that is barely hanging on for life with gigantic breasties bouncing around and throwing them in my face, I don’t much appreciate it. Boobs are cool and I have a bit of a nipple fetish at times… ask your boyfriend. He knows. But cover those monstrosities up. PLEASE! If you don’t have respect for others, then have some for yourself. If you have small boobs or attractive boobs, then show ’em off. I don’t care. But if all you have is giant duffle bags of human flesh and sweat, cover them mammary glands up when in public. We would appreciate it.

And since my editorial took more space than I intended, I’ll just grab one topic from the Magic Bag to fill out the column and wrap things up. So to the Magic Bag we go and the other topic for discussion is… Bagpipes.

Bagpipes…

Okay then, what the hell do I know about bagpipes? They’re of Scottish origin and the band at Scotland High School, where I graduated far too long ago, played them as part of their presentations. If you play bagpipes, you usually wear a “kilt” or as anyone, not a Roddy Piper fan would say a skirt. And most guys who wear kilts tend to have great legs and not wear any drawers. I’m liking this already. I wonder if I can get Jose to wear a kilt for me? And play some pipes? I might have to mention that someday.

So what else about bagpipes? They’re a traditional Scottish instrument and require some strong lung power. The noise this musical instrument makes is distinct, kind of annoying, but also cool in its own unique manner. And something about plaid, but I can’t think of anything else so I’ll quit here. Do you know what would be really cool? A three-man band that all held the WWE Championship. That was my obligatory wrestling reference for the day just so you know. But think of it. A three-man band with a set of bagpipes, an accordion, and a plastic bucket as a drum and they perform heavy metal mixed with scat-style lyrics. And all the members of the band would have Justin Beiber style haircuts. Okay, that just ruined it. Never mind. I’ll quit now.

And there you go. Boobs and bagpipes, two of the most essential things in life. I hope you enjoyed my little ramble this morning. It was this or an edition of the Ultimate Wrestling Q&A and I decided to wait on that until I’m watching RAW tonight. Most likely, I’ll need a distraction from the empty-arena antics of WWE and Vince.

My thanks for reading. Any comments, thoughts, or questions about anything or everything, feel free to drop me a line. Let’s chat. Until the next time, take care of yourself, stay safe and remember that today and every day, it’s always a Day of Dougie.

Ubuntu!