Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie:
Sore Throats, Wading Pools, ACC Tournaments & Caveman
November 10, 2021
DougMaynard.com

Would you like to buy a duck? I had the strangest dream last night about Groucho Marx. There were other people in the dream and the gist of the matter was that we (myself and Nobuko, an old friend from many years ago), were riding around on a lawnmower trying to get to the store before it closed and we ended up getting there, to a store I didn’t recognize, and it was empty when we walked into the building, but then swarmed by people looking for all sorts of things, and we’re running the place. And Groucho Marx was there and asked if we wanted to buy a duck. I get that reference, but why he’s in my dreams, I have no idea.

So I’m awake now though and waiting on a phone call about some things and my eyes keep closing. I want to take a nap. Actually, I want to go hop into my truck, go pick up my bro-son, and ride up through the college and talk, but that’s not possible right now. And neither is a nap. So let’s do a Day of Dougie instead. Don’t worry. I’m not transcribing crazy shit from twenty-eight years ago. That’s for later. I’m going for the more conventional and traditional D.O.D. where I pull out random topics from the Magic Bag and then just write. It’s always fun to do and it helps build character, or so I’ve been told. And it’s what I do so I may as well just do it. So let’s find the Magic Bag and do this shit.

We have the bag in hand. And reaching in, I have the topics for today. Drum roll, please. We have Sore Throat, Wading Pools, ACC Tournament, and Caveman. Okay, they can’t all be winners, but these topics? Oy vey! I’ll do my best. Let’s go.

Sore Throat…

A sore throat is when your throat hurts and is all scratchy and tender. It could be the result of a virus, of strain, of talking too much, of foreplay getting out of hand, or almost anything really. Having a sore throat can really make for a miserable day and is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It also ruins the singing voice and can make you sound like Bea Arthur. Is that a good thing? Nope, not at all unless you are Bea Arthur and then it’s to be expected. And I guess that’s enough about that topic. This dog is getting on my damn nerves. Let’s move on.

Wading Pools…

Another one of the “Why is this here?” topics? Wading pools? That’s teeny-tiny pools designed for walking around and cooling off rather than actual swimming. Unless you’re really short, and then swimming is perfectly okay. Hell, just staying above water is a challenge in itself. I guess these could be used for small children, elves, midgets, and Marko Stunt. Maybe a duck? Would you like to buy a duck? Groucho rules. I’m drawing a blank here so let’s keep moving and go to the next topic.

ACC Tournament…

Every year, the basketball teams of the Atlantic Coast Conference get together and play basketball to determine who is the best team in the league. It’s UNC in my opinion and as often as not, they confirm my beliefs with a big victory and the ACC Tournament Championship. Well, they used to anyhow. Since Dean Smith retired and then passed away, my interest in college basketball has decreased. Also, UNC did Matt Doherty wrong when he was hired and then fired as head coach. And now we have a new coach, replacing Roy Williams. It’s Hubert Davis. Who? I don’t know these people anymore. But I do know this. The ACC is the best division in college basketball and the Heels kick ass and are number one… period. And that’s the bottom line because I just said so. Let’s move on and wrap this mother up.

Caveman…

When I hear this word, one of three things comes to mind. The first is the early man, clothed in animal skins, grunting as they club their women over the head and drag them by the hair as they run away from the pissed-off dinosaurs. Think The Flintstones, but more body hair and not quite as good a vocabulary. Okay, bad example. How about people who are one step above a monkey, but not quite ready to be brought inside the house. Think Pauly Shore in Encino Man. Or a woken snowflake when someone disagrees with them. I think that comparison make be insulting to the cavemen.

The second thing that comes to mind is the guys on the Geico commercials. So simple, even a caveman can do it. It’s offensive and derogatory to the poor guys with bushy eyebrows and wild hair, but the commercials were memorable and I was amused. Didn’t they even do a TV show based on those commercials? I seem to remember one, but I never watched it. I did watch Dinosaurs though. “Not The Mama!”. That show rocked. So did the Geico Cavemen. I liked them anyhow.

And finally, there is a guy I know, and that’s his nickname. He’s a sexy dude and pretty cool from my few interactions with him and I’m not sure where the nickname came from, but he can club me anytime. Too bad he’s a straight boy. The things I could do with that dude. I’d rock his world.

And I just remembered something else. A classic Saturday morning cartoon from many years ago called Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels. It was kind of stupid and cheesy, to be honest, but it was typical seventies cartoons and I enjoyed it at the time. Just picture a hairball walking around while holding a club and there you go. Good times.

And there you go. I guess it’s time to wrap this up and call it a day. Still waiting on my return call, but I think I’m going to go take a nap. As soon as I close my eyes, the phone will ring. That’s how it always works. Anyhow, thank you for reading. Until the next time, take care of yourself and stay good. And if you’re having a rough day of it, just grit those teeth, make a few tasteless comments, add some innuendo, and make it a Day of Dougie instead. Works for me. Take care and I’ll see you at the wading pool.

Ubuntu!