Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day of Dougie:
Dirty Clothes, Paper Clips & Butterflies In The Stomach
January 20, 2022
DougMaynard.com

Good morning all and welcome to another epic-filled Day of Dougie. Today is the one-year anniversary of the swearing-in ceremony of Joe Biden as President of the United States. And regardless of what your feelings are on the election, no one can say that this has been a good year for our nation. I won’t get all political here today, you’re welcome, but I’ll just suffice it to say, it’s a freaking shame. And God bless the USA. We definitely need him now.

And now, let’s get the day rolling. It’s hard to do since I was listening to Freddy Fender last night and now all I see in front of me are Wasted Days and Wasted Nights. At least I wasn’t wearing my Willie Nelson t-shirt or else I’d be feeling like a Red Headed Stranger. The Alice Cooper shorts I’m wearing right now make this drink taste like Poison, but just like any Crazy Little Child, you know I Never Cry. There are No Tricks because as Prince said, I’m wearing a Rasberry Beret and am ready to channel my inner Beastie Boy and Fight For Your Right To Party. Yeah, I know that makes no sense, but like Waylon, I’ve Always Been Crazy. And I’m getting bored with this. It’s almost like Skid Row’s Wasted Time. But hell, I’m like Cinderella and Nobody’s Fool. Let’s move on.

So now, it’s time to go wild and reach into the infamous Magic Bag and find a few topics for discussion this morning. So here we go and the topics for today are Dirty Clothes, Paper Clips, and Butterflies in the Stomach. Three winners. Yay! Or maybe not, but let’s get the ball rolling and move on to find out. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

Dirty Clothes…

What the hell am I supposed to write about dirty clothes? If they’re dirty, wash the damn things. The only problem with that is, in my case anyhow, I hate doing laundry. It’s not really a big deal and isn’t hard at all, but it’s just one of those things that annoy the hell out of me. But then again, like most people, I have plenty of clothes to wear, but I have the same three or four things that I prefer over everything else and thus, at least a couple of times a week, it’s time to wash everything up and start over. It’s a pain, but it’s what we have to do.

Or I could be like those folks, you’ve seen them, that wear the same clothes for several days in a row, don’t wash them, and after a few days, look and smell pretty damn raunchy. There are a couple of folks that come into the store I worked at, that was like that. You’d see them on Thursday, looking all sharp and dapper, but then you’d see them on Friday, the exact same pants and shirt, still looking okay, but not quite as fresh. And then here they come on Saturday, still wearing the same pants and shirt and it’s easy to tell, those clothes haven’t seen a washing machine yet. Can you imagine then what their drawers look and smell like? Don’t be those people. Don’t do dat! Wash them damn clothes. I might look homeless at times due to my lack of shaving and needing a haircut, but I can promise you this. Clean clothes every day, cause that’s what I do. ‘Nuff said! Let’s move on.

Paper Clips…

Small pieces of metal twisted in such a fashion as to hold papers together, thus clipping them into place. That’s why they’re called paper clips. Duh! They also make great weapons to shoot across the room, using a rubber band to launch them and to ding someone and annoy the hell out of them discreetly. Shooting paper clips at my friends was a big part of my high school years. Yes, I was an ass-clown, but we didn’t have cell phones and the internet to keep us distracted and occupied. We had to make due and when we wanted to get someone’s attention, what better way than to shoot a small piece of metal at the back of their head? It was amazingly effective. And that’s all I have to say about that so let’s move on and wrap this bad mama-jama up.

Butterflies In The Stomach…

We’ve all experienced this feeling, right before we have to do something big, that weird sensation of something in your stomach moving around and making you feel all goofy in the tum-tum. It’s just anxiety and nerves, but it makes you step back and take a deep breath before proceeding. Could you imagine though if it really was butterflies in the stomach? That would be just plain disgusting. And how would they get there? A caterpillar sandwich? Maybe it’d be like in Silence of the Lambs where the crazy dude with the skin obsession stuffed cacoons down the throats of his victims before he peeled the flesh and dumped the bodies? That’s a good movie, by the way. So are Hannibal, Red Dragon, and Hannibal Rising, the rest of the movie series. I think there is one more, Manhunter, but I haven’t seen that one yet. The other four are excellent. The books are even better.

Now, what was I saying? Butterflies in the stomach? It happens to the best of us and is a sign of uncertainty and nervousness. Just bite that lip, take a deep breath, and kick some ass when that happens. Screw the butterflies. ‘Nuff said!

And there you go. That was relatively painless, right? Well, they can’t all be winners. And with that, I’m out of here. Until the next time, take care of yourself, be good, and stay safe. Keep passing those open windows. I’ll see you again very soon. Love you, mean it.

Ubuntu!