Dear Dougie: Twisted Advice From A Black Heart

Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie
Twisted Advice From A Black Heart
February 20, 2022

If you have a problem and need some practical advice from a middle-aged and crazy fat homo-redneck with a black heart, I’m here for you. And here we go.

My girlfriend cheated on me two days ago and now we are on a break. She is very upset and sorry but she lost my trust. Should I go and comfort her? It’s killing me that she’s sad.

Asked by a fan

Should you go and comfort her? I’m sure that the guy she cheated on you with is probably doing a good job of that already. Should you do anything? I would say go bust her in the mouth, but then you’d be the bad guy and shouldn’t do things like that. Just cut her off, block her on social media, say goodbye, and move on. If she did it once, she’ll do it again. You don’t need that. Dump her cheating butt and find someone who will be faithful instead.

I made a really selfish and stupid mistake a while ago, and I tried to keep it a secret so it wouldn’t hurt my online rep. But people found out, and they keep bringing it up. What should I do?

You know what I do when people bring up unpleasant mistakes from my past. I just say something to the effect of, “Yeah, I must have been drunk.” and then just move on from it. If people know something bugs you, they’ll keep bringing it up to get a reaction. Yes, people are assholes like that. But if you don’t react or just blow it off, it takes the impact away and becomes more of a non-issue. So if someone brings it up, just play if off and move on. Eventually, they will too.

There’s a guy outside my apartment. He says he’s delivering flowers, but he has a ski mask and a heavy looking gun with him, and no flowers. Should I put on pants before I open the door?

Absolutely. No reason to give him a free show while he’s crashing in and laying the smackdown on your candy ass. Make him work for it.

I live in an attached house and my next-door neighbors keep playing really loud music from 3 am to 5 am every single night! I asked them to turn it down but they just swore at me and told me to get off their land. What can I do?
Deaf in Doncaster.

Fight fire with fire. Do you have a stereo? Crank it up and play the stuff you like. They’ll either turn it down on their end to listen to your stuff, thus realizing that you have common tastes and becoming good friends, or else they’ll complain and you can say, “You started it!”. Or if you want to be a Karen about it, call the police and file a complaint. That’ll work too, but I’d go with some loud rock music first.

I have a serious aversion to feet, but my husband wants me to lick his toes. What should I do?
Not a Toe-Sucker in Tuscaloosa

If he licks you, then lick him back. Are the toes really any worse than something that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die? I’m sure that you’ve licked worse already so what’s a toe or two? And words of warning, if you don’t do it, there’s someone out there who will. Marriage is a give-and-take deal. Open wide.

And there you go. Any comments, thoughts, or questions you may have, drop me a line. And if you have a problem and want some advice, I’m here. Write me at and let’s see what happens. Until the next time, take care and be good. I’ll see you on the other side.


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