Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie
Two Dollar Bills, Snoopy & Woodstock, and Prank Calls
March 22, 2022
DougMaynard.com

Good morning Infidels. Okay, it’s not actually morning yet. That’ll be 11 more minutes from now, but I just wanted to get an early start. I just woke up a few minutes ago from what was going to be a twenty-minute nap. That damn nap lasted five hours. So now, of course, I’ll be awake most of the night, over-thinking about life and missing some very special people. Well, either that or watching the Dean Martin Roasts over at Tubi. We’ll just have to wait and see, right?

And my nerves are a mess. How big a mess are they? They’re such a big mess, that Joe Biden is blaming Putin and sending Kamala Harris down to fix them. They’re such a big mess that Whoopi and Joy Behar want them to co-host on The View. They’re such a big mess that They’re such a mess that KimKardashian wants to date them. They’re such a mess that CNN offered them a job. Yeah, they’re pretty screwed up.

“And why is that?”, you ask. I got the phone call today and tomorrow, I go pick up my new foot. It’s ready and all I have to do is make sure my leg is not swollen and fits. I’ve had my leg elevated all day, with not one or two, but three stump-shrinkers on it. It looks good right now, but I can’t keep that feeling of dread that something will go wrong out of my stomach. I’m so damn close to getting my mobility back, and with it comes my freedom, a return to work, a life. So close and yet, still so far. Wish me luck.

And I need to quit talking about this. I’m just making myself crazy, and while a little crazy is good sometimes, now is not the time nor the place. Let’s just move on, get the Magic Bag, and find a few topics for discussion to write about. Does that sound like a plan? So here we go. I’ve got the bag and I’m reaching in. The topics of discussion for today are Two Dollar Bills, Snoopy & Woodstock, and Prank Calls. Not too bad. So are you ready? Let’s do this.

Two Dollar Bills…

Yes, they are real and still floating around, although not quite as often as when they first came out. I used to love using them just to watch the faces on the cashiers trying to decide if they were real money or not. And now, it’s not the cashiers, but the customers who don’t know. But what memories?

And then I wised up, realized that they were getting scarce and hard to find so I started keeping and saving them. That lasted for a while and I build up a good collection, but then something happened. We call them bills. I was in a tight spot, had some bills due, and had to choose between my collections of strange money or having electricity, water, and beer. I chose to be able to be clean, have lights, and drink my troubles away. Oy vey!

I remember a big noise being made a few years ago about people wanting Thomas Jefferson’s face removed from the $2 bill since he was a slave owner in the late 1700’s. He was also the third President of the United States, responsible for the Louisiana Purchase, and wrote The Declaration of Independence. The latter three accomplishments didn’t matter due to the first, which explains how the Cancel Culture works. Something that happened two hundred and fifty years ago is judged by the standards and morality of 2022. Leave the damn man alone already. Kamala Harris’s grandfather was a slave owner, yet that’s ok, but the guy who wrote the Declaration of Independence, he’s supposed to be removed from the history books. This world is crazy.

And I’ve gotten off topic. Let’s just wrap this up by saying this. I like the $2 bills. Hell, I like all money. And if you have some and don’t like them, send them to me and I’ll take care of them for you. And leave Thomas Jefferson alone. The $2 bill is his, along with the 2nd spot on Mt. Rushmore. Leave the man be and let him rest in peace. Damn! Let’s move on.

Snoopy & Woodstock…

Long before there was a Ric & Arn, a Jay & Silent Bob, a Hall & Oates, or even a Bonnie & Clyde, a man named Charles Shultz created the ultimate pair of buddies and best friends. Okay, maybe Bonnie & Clyde were first, but they got shot up by federal officers so they don’t count. And even they, with all their bad-ass shenanigans, can’t compare to the antics of the original Joe Cool, a Beagle named Snoopy, and his feathered sidekick, Woodstock.

Admit it. We all grew up watching the Peanuts specials each year and reveling in the antics of Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus, Peppermint Patty, Schroeder, Sally, Pig Pen, and the gang. Okay, no one tuned in to watch Schroeder, but he didn’t care. He had his music. But the real reason we all watched wasn’t because of any of these characters. No way. It was to see what Snoopy was up to next. And where Snoopy went, Woodstock wasn’t far behind, like a best friend should be. Woodstock became so popular, they even named a town in New York after him. They held a big rock festival there in 1969. Okay, maybe not, but damn that was a cool bird. And Snoopy was a cool dog. Look in the dictionary under cool and you’ll see their pictures. Go look. You’ll see. And if they’re not there, well, they should be. Let’s wrap this up.

Prank Calls…

Who didn’t call their friends or some business at some point in their lives and pretend to be someone else and just give them hell or cut the fool? I’ll tell you who. Nobody born after 1995. Caller ID killed the art of prank calling. Yes, I’m saying it now. Caller ID ruined America. Caller ID and the internet. Gone are the days of The Jerky Boys (remember them) or Crank Yankers. Who doesn’t remember Special Ed? Yay! It’s a lost art, one I remember well and enjoyed much. Damn you, Science. Here’s the Jerky Boys. Enjoy!

And there you go. I guess that’s enough for now. It’s time to go watch some Dean Martin and overthink about life for a while. Damn, I picked a helluva week to quit drinking. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions you may have are welcome and appreciated. Until the next time, take care of yourself and be good. I will see you at the Wal-Mart parking lot. No, I ain’t got no change. Take care.

Ubuntu!