Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #12
Random Twitter Q&A
March 14, 2023
DougMaynard.com

In a world full of questions, it’s always fun to reply with an answer or two. I used to do a regular piece called “Questions By Casper”, but alas, Casper has gone MIA. But others have stepped up to fill the void. Just random questions from my Twitter friends. Are you ready? Let’s go.

What TV show did everyone seem to like but you?

I was never a fan of Friends, Better Call Saul, The Voice, America’s Got Talent or The Simpsons past the first few seasons. They all suck! Add The Conners to that as well since they screwed over Roseanne. Network television in general, all sucks!

Who would you book to face John Cena in his final match?

Another wrestling question slipped in here. How does that keep happening? So who should face Cena in his final match? I say, Heath Miller, aka Heath Slater. As for why? He’s got kids!

Who is your favorite music artist of all time?

It’s either Alice Cooper (duh!) or Waylon Jennings. I refuse to choose between these two because they’re both awesome and the absolute best of the best at the music they make/made.

What is the greatest sports movie ever made?

It’s a tough call, but I’ll go with Debbie Does Dallas. Oh wait, that’s not a sports movie, is it? Neither is Deep Throat, although Linda performed some amazing athletics during that movie. Let’s go with Adam Sandler’s “The Longest Yard”. That one works, right? A good movie for sure.

What’s your favorite Asian dish?

I just like to go to the Chinese restaurant and hit the buffet table to get a little bit of everything, but if I can only have one thing off the menu, I’d probably go with Sweet & Sour Chicken and an egg roll. That works, right?

What’s the grossest chore in your house?

Cleaning the cat’s litter box. I love my fur babies, but damn, those two are little shit-making monsters sometimes. Just nasty!

If your child’s school asked for their passwords and their electronics for an investigation into an incident they won’t let you know about would you hand the stuff and passwords over?

I’d have them explain to me in great detail why they want the passwords and what exactly this incident is that has them so concerned. And then I’d probably tell them to fuck off, regardless of what their reasoning is. Nope, no “probably” about it. I’d tell them to bugger off, call them hosers, and put the fear of Dougie into them. Don’t fuck with my family, be it my blood kin or the people I’ve adopted into my life and heart or there will be a side of Dougie that no one wants to see.

What cartoon would you love to be a voice actor for?

I’d love to have a character/part in Family Guy, playing maybe Hubert’s cousin, the grumpy old man with one leg and lots of sarcasm. but a big heart that has deluded himself into thinking he’s either a wrestler or a writer who wants to be part of the Quahog political scene. I just want to be a character based on a slightly more normal version of me. That would be awesome. Hey Seth McFarlane, are you reading this? Give me a call. I need a part-time job. Hire me! I work cheaply and you will not regret it.

What’s an obvious scam that people keep falling for?

People believe that hookers and strippers actually like them and keep giving them money for their “attention”, but news flash? They really think that most people are sick-ass bastards. They just want the money.

If you were the casting director for a film of your favorite genre, what two actors would you love to see star alongside one another, who have yet to work together?

The film genre would be a dark comedy and my two stars would be Sarah Michelle Geller and Johnny Depp, with a cameo of course by Kevin Smith & Jason Mewes, aka Jay & Silent Bob. And it would be awesome!

Would you like to see Fox News fire Tucker Carlson?

Tucker is one of the only few entertaining people on the Fox News network not named Greg or Tyrus, and he’s getting stuff out there that is exposing the lies of the current political leaders and showing them for the POS liars they are. Fire Tucker? Nope. No chance in hell!

Who is the greatest Dragon of all time?

If you don’t answer Puff the Magic Dragon to this question, you’re wrong and have no soul. Puff is the only correct answer.

What’s something no one uses a lawyer for but they should?

Marriage proposals. It’s a major life-changing decision and yet people still do it with no planning or serious thought. Have a formal agreement drawn up before you propose and get a prenup. Don’t be a dummy. Protect those assets.

You must binge-watch one television series from the 60s or 70s. What show are you watching?

All In The Family, Chico & The Man, Sanford and Son, The Six Million Dollar Man, or The Bionic Woman. Any of those would work for me.

Name one thing more valuable than money.

Self-respect. If you don’t love and respect yourself, nothing else matters.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome. And with that, it’s time to wrap this up. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Ubuntu!