Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #51
Random Twitter Q&A
April 21, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

You just heard your doorbell, what’s the first thing you do?

Duck down and peek towards the door, trying to see who is there. And then, after deciding what to do, I either slide down more so that they can’t see me and go away or I get up and go answer the door. One or the other.

Is the French accent sexy?

Absolutely. Pepe Le’ Pew always turns me on.

What is the thing you are terrible at but hate to admit?

I’m terrible at line dancing. I always had this dream to be the world’s first male Rockette, but I have no sense of rhythm and my dancing skills suck big time. The one-legged thing hurts my chances too. I hate to admit it, but I’ll never be a professional dancer, damn it!

If there was one thing for relaxation you could buy what would it be?

A midget or a hooker. A midget hooker who can double as my pool boy?

Name a cartoon character from your childhood you are confident kids today haven’t heard of.

Dyna-Mutt and the Blue Falcon.

What concerns you the most in life?

Just making it, day to day, and being able to fulfill my responsibilities to my family, friends, and job without snapping or breaking.

What’s something weird you’ve seen or heard about cows?

Cows are good people, but you should never poke the bull.

What are men?

I can’t answer that. I’m not a biologist. Okay, I’m lying. I can answer. Men are one of the TWO genders. We’re the ones with the dicks.

Why do you think aliens kidnap cows?

Because everyone gets hungry for a slice of beef sometimes, no matter who you are.

How long does it take you to get ready to go out?

It depends on where I’m going, who I’m going with, and if I feel the urge to impress anyone or not. Usually about 10-15 minutes tops.

Where’s the best hot dog stand?

There used to be a place called Snoopy’s Hot Dogs in Raleigh, NC when I was a kid. Those hot dogs were awesome. As for now and relatively local, I guess it would be the Sonic up in Rockingham, NC, although the past few times I’ve been there, I wasn’t impressed. They’re getting slack just like everyone else. It’s better to just fix the hot dogs at home.

Do you believe that climate change is the crisis of our lifetime?

Climate change is a hoax and as fake as the idea that cheese is purple. What? It’s not. My point exactly.

Who is the greatest boxer currently?

Hell if I know. I don’t keep up with boxing. It sure as hell isn’t the illiterate little runt that runs away all the time, Floyd Mayweather. He’s a weasel. Let’s go with Mike Tyson. He still does exhibition matches, right? So there you go.

What is a high that you are still chasing?

One night, many years ago at Pine Acres Lodge, I had a night with an amazing guy who I had crushed on for years. And we had an interesting and long relationship after that night that ended badly. But that first night, that first time, was perfect and everything I ever wanted in a person or a moment. And I’ve been looking for it again ever since.

Would you rather go on a silent nonspeaking retreat for a week or go on a long weekend vacation with someone who never shuts up?

People talk too damn much for my tastes as it is and a long weekend with a chatterbox friend, even if I do love them, would probably end badly with a punch to the face or them getting smothered by a pillow or ten. Give me a quiet weekend, please. And as soon as possible.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that, it’s time to go. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Ubuntu!