(The young writer, Vincent Paul Phillips, sits at his computer, glaring at the blank screen)
“Yo”, a voice call out from seemingly out of nowhere.
“Yeah”, Vince asks. “Who’s there?”
And from the shadows steps out WWE Superstar, The Miz…
“Hey Miz”, Vince says quietly, “It’s been a while!”.
“Yes it has, Vinnie”, Miz smiles. “I guess you’re stressing and writing one of your thinking to yourself, but using characters to make it not quite as crazy monologues!”
“Who? Me?”, Vince laughed.
“Yeah, because that’s the only time I’m pulled into your crazy little fantasy world”, Miz replied. “You use Vickie and Austin and Santino for those dumb little fiction stories and you use the X-Men and Avengers for those same dumb stories and…”
“And I use the vampire, Barnabas Collins for those stories too”, Vince replied.
“I don’t want to talk about him”, Miz said quickly.
“Why?”, Vince asked. “You’re the one who insulted him that other time!”
“I did not!”, Miz said defensively.
“Yes, you did!”
“Okay, I did!”, Miz finally said. “But I can do that because he’s a washed up freaky vampire from a campy 1960’s soap opera and I’m…”
“It it time for the catch phrase?”, Vince asked.
“Can I go ahead and do this?”, Miz glared.
“Be my guest!”, Vince smirked.
“Because I’m the Miz and I’m…. wait for it…. AWESOME!”
“Feel better now?”
“I do. Thank you for asking!”, Miz smiled. “Now about you and your problems!”
“Do you have some sage advice for me, Miz?”, Vince asked.
“Nope!”, Miz said!
“Why not?”, Vince asked.
“Because it’s your story and I’m just here to do a cameo. Austin is handling the advice giving this week.”
“Austin as in Steve Austin?”, Vince asked.
“Yes”, Miz smiled. “And he’s on his way here so I’m leaving.”
“You don’t like Steve Austin?”, Vince asked.
“I like Austin fine”, Miz replied. “But I have to go get ready for my match.”
“The one I use to set the arena’s on fire… cause I’m the hottest thing going today. Because I’m the Miz and I’m…..”
“We already did the bit with your catch phrase”, Vince interjected.
“Oh yeah!”, Miz replied. “Well, here’s Austin. See you later!”
And so Vincent Paul Phillips waited for the sounds of the breaking glass, but instead heard the sounds of…
“I am a real American…. fight for the rights of every man”….
“Not, not Hogan…. please”,. Vince cried.
And then, from out of the shadows stepped…. Ole Anderson.
“Ole? Thank goodness it’s you and not Hogan, but what the heck are you doing here?”
“Don’t ask me, you little punk! It’s your stinking story!”, Ole replied. “What’s the deal?”
“Well, I write these little stories where I kind of talk about my problems, but use characters to help clarify and think things out as if I’m actually getting advice from….”
“Shut up!”, Ole said. “I don’t want to know!”
“So do you have any sage advice for me, Ole?”, Vince asked.
“Yeah, don’t trust Vince McMahon. He’s a sonofabitch and f*ck him!”
“And get a damn haircut, you hippie!”, Ole scowled before vanishing off into the shadows.
“Ummmm…. ok!”, Vince said.
And the sounds of breaking glass filled the room! Here, finally was WWE Legend “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
“Steve, how are you?”, Vince smiled.
“I’m freakin’ pissed off”, Austin said. “It’s almost seven in the morning, I ain’t had but a couple of beers so far, and some dumb-ass wanna-be writer is pulling me into his stupid stories so I can make like ‘Dear Abby’ and dish out some advice.”
“Well, thank you for being here and….”, Vince started to say.
“Shut the hell up with your bad little haircut, your Soce the Elemental Wizard t-shirt and your cat sitting on the couch. Let’s keep this short and sweet, okay?”
“Okay, but….”, Vince started to say, but Austin cut him off.
“I said short and sweet! Don’t make me come over there and beat your ass!”
Vince just nodded quietly.
“So here’s the deal”, Austin said. “In a nutshell, you pissed off your friends and you’re not happy and you feel like crap! Am I missing anything?”
Vince shook his head no…
“Well, why’d you piss off your friends?”, Austin asked. “Do you like them?”
“What? Do you like being around them?”
“What? Are they important to you?”
“Yeah, but… “
“What? Listen up, jackass! You’re mad at them because things aren’t always great. People tell lies. People take advantage. People use each other. Get the hell over it! If they mean that much to you, be honest, have guidelines if you need to and keep it real. But if you love them, then shut the hell up to me and tell ’em that!”
“I know, but still….”
“I wasn’t finished so keep your trap shut!”, Austin said quickly. “If they tell you something and make a promise, then hold them to it, but if you make a promise, don’t get all flakey and whiney. Keep it too! Keep it all straight up! And if you can’t do that, you don’t deserve them and if they can’t do that, they don’t deserve you. If the love is real, then let it be real, but if it’s all just a means to an end, then just end it now and save everyone a lotta problems.”
“But how am I supposed to know?”, Vince quickly asked.
“You’re a dumb sonnabitch, ain’t ya”, Austin smirked. “Listen to your heart. It knows!”
“And that’s it? That’s your sage advice?”, Vince asked.
“Well, that and stock up on the damn beer if you’re gonna keep dragging me into these stupid whiney-ass stories of yours”, Austin said. “Now how in the hell do I get out of here!”
“Down the hall and to the left is the exit”, Vince pointed.
And without another word or even a backwards glance, Steve Austin quickly exited the scene.
“Well, that was insightful”, Vince thought to himself as he glanced once more at the computer screen. “I guess that they’ve given me some stuff to think about.”
And Vince reached down and quickly typed the last few words of this epic adventure.