(Retro) Six Minutes – December 10, 2008

Six Minutes

December 10, 2008

Doug Maynard 

The best columns often come from the simplist of questions and ideas, or so I’m hoping anyhow. A dear and wonderful friend, the esteemed Sakee Wildman, asked a question in her Yahoo group that involved two of my favorite things – fantasy booking and getting extreme. The question read as follows: “You and Paul Heyman are in charge of holding this year’s ECW One Night Stand. What would your eight matches be? Who would win? What would happen?” And the ideas just started to roll around in my head.

Putting myself and Paul Heyman in charge of “WWE One Night Stand 2008” would be… interesting, to say the least. I’ve decided to see what I can come up with, but first, to make it more realistic and a challenge, I’ll say that since “ONS” is now promoted as a tri-brand PPV by the WWE, it has to prominently feature current WWE superstars in most of the matches. Vince would make sure of that. 

And just to make it even more realistic, no wrestlers currently working for TNA (The Dudleys, Al Snow, Rhino, Mick Foley) or currently on bad terms with the WWE (Shane Douglas, Raven) would be usable either. And Vince would insist on some WWE-style hoopla, so there will be a little bit, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. I thought about going through the whole process of deciding who we would contact and use for the matches and laying out the card piece by piece, but then I remembered the very best “ONS” was the first one… and no one knew what to expect from opening bell to closing credits. And this show would be booked by Heyman and myself in much the same fashion. No scripting for the promos – just bullet points. No pre-advertised listing of matches. Just wait and see what transpires and get ready for a bumpy ride. 

So there you go. So we cut immediately to the “One Night Stand 2008” Pay-Per-View broadcast. Joey Styles is handling the “play-by-play” , but Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are at the announce table as well, so we’re getting a three man announce team. And now.. 

“One Night Stand 2008” (as presented by… me and the way I’d book it). 

The lights flicker as we start and Paul Heyman comes to the ring. He cuts an emotional and often-times borderline shoot-promo about the return, once again, of “ONS” and how tonight, we’re going to take it to the “freakin’ extreme”. And here comes World Champion Edge and Vickie Guerrero to the ring, along with the recently returned Christian Cage. They run down Heyman and talk crap for a bit and that brings out current ECW World Champion Matt Hardy, along with brother Jeff. Words are exchanged and it almost comes to blows, but Heyman retores order and says if they want to battle it out, how about a “TLC” match in the main event with Edge & Christian taking on The Hardys. Both teams agree, but here comes John Morrison & The Miz to the ring. “This is the new ECW”, Morrison proclaims. And instead of having to watch the “same old crap” with the Hardys versus Edge & Christian, how about tonight’s match is a “Triple Threat TLC” match. Everyone agrees and we get a brief bit of action as Miz shoves Jeff into Edge, Matt hits Christian, Morrison hits Edge and we have a quick brawl until Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison are all deposited to the floor by Jeff & Matt Hardy. 

We go to Joel Gertner, with a mic who approaches Tommy Dreamer backstage. Dreamer has Beaulah with him and also Terry Funk. They’re there tonight to take people back to the days when “extreme” meant more than an energy drink or the lastest “catch-phrase”.  And they’re headed towards the ring. 

We go to the ring and Justin Roberts makes the announcements for the opening match. It’s Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk w/ Beaulah in an “ECW Rules” match against the team of Mikey Whipwreck & Yoshihiro Tajiri w/ The Sinister Minister. We get about ten minutes of great tag action as everyone gets to hit their spots and just beat the holy hell out of each other. In the final moments, Minister tries to hit Dreamer with his cane, but gets kicked low by Beaulah at ringside. Dreamer plants Whipwreck with a DDT and Funk comes off the top with a moonsault (that brings the crowd to their feet) and covers Whipwreck to get the pin. 

Match # 1: Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk w/ Beaulah defeated Mikey Whipwreck & Yashihiro Taijari w/ The Sinister Minister 

As Funk and Dreamer celebrate in the ring, we go to the back where Joel Gertner is walking around the back with the camera and a mic looking for someone. He comes across JBL who is verbally abusing a young lady. Gertner tries to slip away unnoticed, but JBL sees him and starts yelling and screaming at Gertner as well and tries to bully Gertner. A voice comes from off camera and tells JBL to “pick on someone his own size”.. and it’s Blue Meanie, Stevie Richards & Nova.. the “bWo”. Words are exchanged and we end up with Meanie telling JBL to “get some partners and come to the ring”… JBL sneers and says “you’re on” and walks away. Another match for later tonight. 

Back to the ring and here comes Tammy Sytch to the ring. Tammy looks fantastic and is definitely having a “sunny day”. She talks for a moment about how much ECW means to her and of course, here comes Dawn Marie, along with Lance Storm, Justin Credible & Jason.. “The Impact Players”. Dawn calls Tammy a “drug addict” and a “whore” who sold out and the only reason she came to ECW in the first place was because the WWE didn’t want her “worn out, trashy ass” any more. Tammy attacks Dawn and Joey Styles gets to scream “Cat Fight” from ringside. Storm, Credible and Jason quickly break it up and are holding Tammy while Dawn screams at her and slaps her a few times. The lights go out and the arena turns dark. They come back on and here is Sabu in the ring. Sabu goes all Sabullistic on everyone while Bill Alfonso blows his whistle at ringside. Justin, Lance and Jason are circling the ring and Sabu is surrounded when music hits and “Enter Sandman” fills the arena. And here comes the Sandman through the crowd, drinking beer as he comes to the ring. Sandman and Sabu battle Storm, Credible & Jason while Tammy & Dawn are rolling around in a classic ECW “catfight”. Security comes out and breaks it all up as the fans boo. 

Here is Heyman with a mic. If they want to fight, let them fight. It’s Intergender Tag Action as it’s going to be Sabu, The Sandman and Tammy Sytch versus Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason and Dawn Marie.. And it starts right now. 

Match # 2: “Intergender Handicap Tag Match” – Sabu, The Sandman & Tammy Sytch w/ Bill Alfonso take on The Impact Players (Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason & Dawn Marie). It’s chaos from start to finish and the match ends when Jason manages to steal a pin on Tammy Sytch after Credible nails Tammy with a kendo stick to the head.

Winners: The Impact Players. 

We go backstage and see JBL approaching Balls Mahoney about being his partner. Balls looks at JBL and tells him that he hopes the bWo beats the holy hell out of JBL’s “wall street cowboy ass” and walks off. JBL is then approached by Mike Knox. Knox tells JBL that if he needs a partner, he’s got one right there. And they shake hands as we go back to the ring. 

In the ring is World Champion John Cena. Cena cuts his usual promo and half the audience is cheering while the other half is ready to riot. And here comes Chris Jericho, to a great amount of cheers. Jericho talks about his early days in ECW and how much crap they were, turning the audience against him quickly as the cheers turn to boos. Jericho says that ECW is dead and should stay dead. The only thing that matters now is Chris Jericho and his quest to reclaim the World Championship. Jericho goes on a rant about how he hates dead things, like ECW and the whole idea of “extreme” and how if he was able, he’d kick the ass of each and every dead concept in existence. Cena is just standing there in the ring listening. And the lights go out. Which marks the appearance of…. The Undertaker. 

The lights come on and it’s Undertaker standing in the ring with Cena and Jericho. Undertaker just glares at both Cena & Jericho and grabs Jericho by the throat. He lifts him up and it’s chokeslam time. Cena is watching and laughs at Jericho. Taker turns to Cena and grabs him by the throat too. A chokeslam for Cena. Taker walks from the ring as both Cena and Jericho are left lying there. 

We go backstage again and JBL and Knox approach Super Crazy. They are going to let him be their partner, but Crazy acts like he doesn’t understand English and plays dumb. JBL and Knox are ready to beat the crap out of Crazy, but he points to a figure standing behind them. It’s Kane. JBL and Knox let Super Crazy go and he quickly flees the area. JBL, Knox and Kane all stare at each other. Kane starts to smile and laugh. A smile forms on JBL’s face too and then Knox starts to smile. 

We go back to the ring and it’s Nunzio (Little Guido) versus Spike Dudley in a short, but fast paced match that really showcases both men. 

Match # 3: Spike Dudley pinned Little Guido with a school-boy rollup. Both mens shake hands afterwards. And then the lights go out for a moment and it’s Abdullah the Butcher making his WWE debut as he quickly lays out and butchers both Guido and Spike with karate thrusts to the throats and elbow smashes. Then Abby pulls out a fork and just starts ripping at the head of Spike as security storms the ring and drags the crazed “Madman from the Sudan” from the ring. 

We go to Styles, Grisham and Striker who comment on the chaos we just witnessed, plus comfirm that there will be a triple-threat match later with John Cena versus Chris Jericho versus The Undertaker. And also, that JBL has picked Kane & Mike Knox as his partners and will be facing the Blue World Order later as well. They also plug the main event of the “Tables, Ladders and Chairs” match with The Hardys taking on Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison. 

And to the ring again as Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne take on Chavo Guerrero & “The World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas in a battle of the WWECW alumni. A good match with Rey & Bourne getting to show off all of their moves and Chavo playing the punching bag for their efforts. But in the end, it’s Henry with “The World’s Strongest Slam” on Bourne to pick up the victory for his team. 

Match # 4: Chavo Guerrero & Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas defeated Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne. 

We’re backstage again and see CM Punk in the back stretching and warming up. Paul Heyman walks into the room and tells Punk that he thought about what Punk had asked him about a match against an ECW legend on tonight’s show and Heyman has decided to do it. Punk asks who he’ll be wrestling and Heyman just smiles, telling Punk that his match will be coming up after the next match so just be ready to go the ring. Heyman walks out of the room as Punk watches. 

We go back to the ring as Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix have come to the ring and have the mic. Santino declares himself more “extreme than anyone in ECW history, including ‘the Doodly-Do-Rights, Mick Fooly or even the king of extreme, Gary Coleman. Santino continues to rant. And from the back comes ECW Original Jerry Lynn. Lynn gets in Santino’s face. Lynn tells Santino and the world about the history, the pride, the magic of ECW and being “extreme”. Santino scoffs and swings at Lynn, who blocks it and nails Santino, who drops to the floor. He tries to head to the back but as he approaches the stage, smome starts to appear and fill the arena. And look. It’s the Boogeyman. He does his little shake and dance bit and Santino flees back towards the ring, but seeing Lynn there waiting for hm, starts to head towards the back through an alternate exit.

But alas, it’s not to be as Santino and Beth run into The ECW Zombie. Santino and Beth are trapped between the Zombie, The Boogeyman and Lynn. Santino acts terrified. Beth is ready to kick everyone’s asses, but seeing an opening, Santino grabs Beth by the arm and they flee to the back. Zombie and Boogeyman continue to dance in the ring while Lynn motions for Santino to come back and fight. This crew is quickly joined by Hornswoggle as well. We have Jerry Lynn, Hornswoggle, The ECW Zombie and The Boogeyman all in the ring. Ron Simmons walks out on the stage with a mic in hand. He looks at everyone standing in the ring and says, as only he can… “Damn!” 

We move on to a video tribute to the stars of the WWE, WCW and ECW who are no longer with us. 

And it’s back to the ring for the next match. It’s six man tag as JBL and friends take on the bWo. On his way to the ring, JBL stops off at the announce table and berates the announcers and pushes Joey Styles in the chest a few times before getting in the ring. The match is as chaotic as one might expect, with JBL and friends controlling most of the action with their power advantage. At the announce table, Styles is shooting about what happened between himself and JBL in Iraq and how he’s just wanting to let it go, but JBL is an arrogant bully and an asshole at times. JBL and his team are holding their advantage and JBL makes a point to point at and motion towards Styles at every available opportunity. Finally, Kane is working over Nova in the ring. JBL drops to the floor and comes over to the announce table and slaps Styles across the face, knocking hm to the floor. JBL laughs and gets back on the apron, tagging himself into the match. It all breaks loose as Meanie and Knox battle to the floor and Stevie has eliminated Kane to the floor as well. JBL gets stunned by a knee by Nova and goes to the ropes to pull himself together. Styles, picking himself up from the floor and clearly pissed off, goes to the ring and just plants a fist into JBL’s head. JBL reels and spins right into a Stevie-kick by Richards. Nova pins JBL and the bWo wins. 

Match # 5: The Blue World Order (Stevie Richards, Blue Meanie and Super Nova) defeated JBL, Mike Knox and Kane.  

JBL is livid and tries to go after Styles, but Matt Striker and security keep JBL away from Joey, who goes into the ring to celebrate with Stevie, Meanie and Nova and cuts loose with a huge and emotional “Oh my God!” for the fans. 

We go back to the back where ECW World Champion Matt Hardy and his brother Jeff are warming up for their “TLC” match later in the night. Tazz approaches them and tells them how much he likes their work and how glad he is to see that “the aura of extreme” is still alive and well with both Matt & Jeff. He wishes them well in their match tonight and then says that he has some people he’d like them to meet, two truly “extreme legend”. In walks in “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka and “Magnificent” Don Muraco – two WWE Hall of Famers, who incidentially were also the first and third ECW World Champions. Muraco puts over how much he likes to watch Matt wrestle and he does the ECW Championship proud while Snuka & Jeff just sort of stare at each other. Muraco, Snuka & Tazz walk out while Jeff just stares after Snuka. Matt just looks at Jeff and shakes his head, walking away. 

We go back to the ring where CM Punk is standing in the ring and awaiting his opponent for his match. Heyman comes out and tells Punk that “I promised you a legend… I promised you extreme.. and now, I deliver”… Music hits and here comes, accompanied by Bill Alfonso, RVD. Punk smiles as RVD gets into the ring. Handshake and then it’s on to action as both men go all out, trading moves, kicks, chops, more kicks, battling on the floor, more kicks, and hitting each other with everything but the kitchen sink. In the end, RVD wins after countering the “GTS” with a DDT and then hitting the five-star frogsplash from the top to get the pin. 

Match # 6: RVD (with Bill Alfonso) defeated CM Punk 

We now go to the back where Paul Heyman is talking to ECW General Manager Teddy Long. Long compliments Heyman on how great the show has been and says that if Heyman ever decides to come back to the WWE full time, he’s always welcome at ECW. Heyman thanks Teddy, but says that this was just for one night. There are people in the WWE who don’t like Paul and think he’s too controversial and out there sometimes. Teddy and Heyman shake hands as we go back to the ring for the next match. 

It’s Triple Threat Extreme Rules as World Champion John Cena takes on Chris Jericho and The Undertaker. It’s non-title, but anything goes. Craziness and choas are the rule of the day and this match is no exception Jericho manages to steal a win when Big Show comes out and punches out Undertaker. Cena gets distracted and Jericho pulls some brass knucks from out of his tights to lay out Cena and pick up a win. 

Match # 7: Chris Jericho defeated World Champion John Cena and The Undertaker in a Non-Title Triple Threat Match. 

We go back to the back where Edge & Christian are with Vickie Guerrero and getting ready to head towards the ring. Edge is telling Vickie not to worry and that they’ve beaten The Hardys so many times in these kind of matches, they can do it in their sleep. And also, they have their “Problem Solver” if things get out of hand. We see Tyson Tomko standing there. 

We see two figures come in and it’s Miz and John Morrison. They tell Edge and Christian to “not worry about the Hardys because the next feature on the ‘Dirt Sheet’ will be about Miz & Morrison taking everyone out. Miz tells Tomko that if he gets involved in the match, he can be taken out too. Miz & Morrison tell Edge & Christian that they’ll “see them in the ring” and walk out. Christian tells Edge that they have to go and “the peeps will be dancing in the streets” as Edge & Christian dominate and destroy both the Hardys and the “pretty boys”. And as they’re walking out of the room, Christian suggests to Edge that maybe they give the fans a real treat tonight… how about a “five second pose”? Edge says, “We’ll see!”. 

We go to the ring and Joey Styles is standing in the ring. He gets on the mic to introduce the “special guest ring announcer” that “we had to sneak into the building”. Joey introduces “The Franchise” Shane Douglas. Douglas comes to the ring and talks for a moment about how much ECW means to him. The tears are running down his face and the emotion is extreme, to say the least. Douglas gets to work and introduces the three teams for the next match. It’s Tables, Ladders and Chairs” – which means anything goes. 

Edge and Christian are the first team out w/ Tyson Tomko in tow and cut a promo on the fans, ripping apart ECW and it’s legacy and get in a few shots at Shane Douglas as well. They they do a “Five Second Pose” for the fans. Next comes out Miz & John Morrison who stop about half-way to the ring. If Edge and Christian want to have their “problem solver” at ringside, then so can Miz & Morrison and their’s is more “extreme” than Tomko could ever hope to be. And out comes Melina, complete with her red carpet and photographers. And finally, ECW World Champion Matt & brother Jeff Hardy come to the ring to a huge pop that nearly blows the roof off the place. 

The match is brutal, chaotic,dangerous and bloody. Jeff is the first to bleed and Miz, Christian and Edge quickly follow suit. Both Tomko and Melina are interfering on a regular basis and the referees have no control at all. Finally, Matt manages to nail Morrison with a “Twist Of Fate” and Jeff Hardy goes to the top for the Swanton. Melina is up and grabs Jeff’s foot, causing him to tumble to the mat. A figure comes from the audience and comes over the barrier.. it’s a young woman and the flaming red hair quickly gives it away as Lita has made her return. Lita pulls down Melina and levels her with a big left on the floor. Christian hits the Unprettier on Matt and is going for the pin, but Miz breaks it up. Tomko is in the ring and nails Miz from behind before tossing him to the floor. Edge is going for the spear on Jeff, but Jeff moves and Edge accidentially spears Tomko instead. Morrison is nailed by flying bodies of Edge and Tomko and is stunned. Matt with a side-effect on Morrison. Christian has a chair and nails Matt. Jeff with a spin-kick that puts the chair back in Christian’s face, leaving him stunned. Tomko is back up and goes after Jeff with a clothesline. Edge is bringing a table in and Tomko starts putting Jeff on the table. Miz tries to interfere, but Tomko kicks him in the face and tries to put him on the table as well next to Jeff. Morrison is back up and has a chair, swinging it wildly to clear the ring of Edge, Christian and Tomko. Morrison helps Miz up and they punch at Jeff for a moment before leaving him still on the table. Miz sets up a ladder and starts to climb as Matt is back up and plants Morrison with a twist of fate. Matt helps up Jeff who quickly scales the ladder from the other side and unloads on Miz, causing him to fall from the ladder to the mat. Matt has placed Morrison on the table and Jeff quickly climbs to the top of the ladder. It’s Jeff with a swanton from the top of the ladder across Morrison. It’s one-two.. And Edge, Christian and Tomko break it up before the three count. Spear by Edge on Matt as Tomko powerbombs Jeff to the mat. Christian covers and the ref counts three. 

Match # 8: Edge & Christian w/ Tyson Tomko defeated The Hardys w/ Lita and The Miz & John Morrison w/ Melina in a “TLC” Match. 

The match is over, but Edge and Christian aren’t finished. They’re setting up a table in the ring and Tomko has grabbed Lita, who came into the ring to check on Matt and Jeff. They’re going to put Lita through the table. And here comes from the back ECW Legends Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and “Magnificent” Don Muraco, leading a whole mob of ECW Superstars, including the bWo, RVD, CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer, Super Crazy, Balls Mahoney, Terry Funk, The Sandman, Jerry Lynn, Evan Bourne, Rey Mysterio and a few others as well. The group storms the ring and Edge and Christian quickly bail to the floor to escape.

Tyson tries, but just isn’t quick enough as Punk and Dreamer catch him and pull him back into the center of the ring. Tomko gets quickly peppered by a series of punches and moves by the ECW Alumni Past and Present – a Stevie-Kick by Richards, a DDT by Dreamer, A cane-shot by Sandman, a “619” by Mysterio and a “GTS” by CM Punk. Tyson is sprawled out in the center of the ring. Jeff Hardy and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka are staring at each other again. They look at RVD as well and al three men nod. All three men go to different corners and climb up. It’s Jeff high in the air with a Swanton on Tomko. RVD follows seconds later with a bone-crushing “Five Star” splash. And then the gand finale as Snuka flies with the “Superfly Splash” on Tomko. Super Crazy and Balls Mahoney toss Tomko to the floor, where Edge & Christian quickly grab their beaten partner and head towards the back.

Paul Heyman comes out and joins the crowd in the ring and Styles, Grisham and Striker join the crowd in the ring as well. It’s time for beers and celebration as the show comes to an end. The End. 

And there you go. I hope this has sufficentially answered your question Sakee. Eight matches, who would win and what would happen. I believe I managed to cover it all. And that’s it for me. I’ll be back on the weekend with a new “Tossing Salt – Worldwide News”, but as for now, I think my “six minutes” are up. Questions and comments are extremely welcome so tell me what you think about my “booking skills” and if you’d like to see a card like the one I came up with above. And if you have any ideas for future “Six Minutes” columns, no matter how crazy or obscure they might seem, toss ’em my way and let me see what I can do with them. 

Quick note here: Happy Birthday to a super-cool dude that I’ve known for many years, Mr. Christopher Alan Boone. Love ya, guy! I hope it’s a totally funtastic and great one for ya! Remember, you’re not getting older, just better! Have fun and stay good. 

Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo. com. Come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace. com/salt_ palace. I’m Doug and I am gone. See you the next time. Ubuntu!

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