‘Tis The Season – Ramblings!

December 25, 2016. Christmas bells are ringing and people all over the world are celebrating Christmas with their friends, family, etc. But what do you do when your family isn’t all that close? When you don’t have friends? When all you have is yourself, alone at home? Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m never alone. My cat is here and she’s been extremely comforting and loving and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. But the rest? Yep! Pretty much describes it.

I was sitting here last night, watching the Broadway production of “Rent!”, which is excellent by the way, and it just kind of hit me. I used to be so big on the holidays and especially Christmas. I would decorate the house, wear the Santa cap and send out an average of 40 – 50 cards each year, to anyone and everyone I cared for. Then something happened. I don’t know if it was my anxiety and depression taking over, or my failure in relationships hitting home, or just being screwed over and hurt by too many of those so-called “friends” that I just quit giving a damn, but things changed. I changed and now, it’s just another sad and lonely day. I haven’t mailed out a Christmas card in three years now. I don’t buy presents and I don’t expect them. I just want to be alone. Most years, I cook and go all out and even if I’m not in the most sociable mood, I can send plates to the people I care for and make sure they’re well fed and have at least that small token of my love and appreciation. I’m not cooking anymore either.

I don’t know what it is exactly, but after being hurt and let down by people so many times, I’ve just given up. I work and go through the motions of life, but I don’t really live any more. I don’t even write anymore, with the exception of prediction columns for major wrestling shows, but that’s it. That’s all that I have left. I’m not alive any more. I’m not black or white or red or blue or green. I’ve just a shade of gray that drifts through a meaningless shadow of a life where no one cares and though I wish it was otherwise, I don’t really care myself anymore either.

Things may get better. I can’t really complain too much. I have a great job that I enjoy and some amazingly incredible people that I work with. I do have a few friends left that haven’t been driven away or totally given up on me and still try to be here, despite my moodiness and anxiety and attempts to build a wall to keep them out, even as I push them away. I have a family that is totally dysfunctional and we all have major issues, but the love is real and when push comes to shove, they’re good eggs. So what’s the problem? I guess it’s me. No, no guessing involved. It is me. As a great song by the Highwaymen said, “I am what I am because I’m not what I used to be.” I used to be outgoing and sociable and though happiness was elusive, I was content. And now I’m just… here.

I don’t know where I’m going with this and it’s turned into an incoherent rambling mess. What’s up with that? What is even the point? I’m not giving up although the desire is strong. It’s pretty much the only emotions or desire I feel anymore, lonliness, despair, alone, but I’m smart enough to know that so long as there are some feelings, even if they’re bad ones, then the good ones are there too, only not quite as accessible or obvious. Damn, I’m a freakin’ mess! I’m not stupid or suicidal or willing to do anything stupid so if it seems as if that’s where I’m going with this, take it out of your mind. I’m depressed and lonely, but not that cruel or spiteful to do anything of that magnitude that would hurt my family or the people I care for. I’m just taking it day by day, faking this smile and just doing what I do and I keep passing the open windows.

Maybe one day things will change. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to relax and smile and laugh and enjoy the light once more instead of being condemned to the shadows and darkness. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to step out of the cold and get the fire back. Who knows? It may be tomorrow. It may be a week from now… or a year. It may never happen. It is what it is, but I have to keep that little bit of hope alive and burning. Depression, anxiety, lonliness are terrible things, but they’re here and a part of my world and life and I just have to buck up, grit the teeth and move on, staying strong. This probably doesn’t make sense to most people and even I’m lost now as to where I was going. It happens like that sometimes.

I’m going to go lay down for a bit.

Merry Christmas Peeps!

-Doug
12/25/16

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