I was planning on writing a column today, doing the “Wrestling Fact or Fiction” thing, as well as predictions for NXT Takeover: Orlando and Wrestlemania 33, but I’m just not feeling it right now. So that gets put on the back burner until late tonight or tomorrow at the latest. As for today, what is there to talk about? Has that giraffe had the baby yet? I guess I’m going to do a survey. I found this one online and it’s slightly weird and odd. It’s a great way to pass the time and it’s even more entertaining than Maxine Walter’s fake hair. I would make a comment, as Bill O’Reilly did about how it looks like a “James Brown wig”, but I don’t want to insult a musical icon and legend like James Brown by comparing him in any way to a fake, lying, two-faced, hypocritical, stupid idiot like Congresswoman Walters. This woman is so dumb, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose JIF. Yes, that’s a very old and dated joke, but admit it, you laughed. Or should have. Maxine Walters is dumb! (How dumb is she?) She is so dumb, she couldn’t tell you which way an elevator was going if she had two choices. She is so dumb, her intellect is only rivaled by garden tools. She is so dumb, not even Google can translate her. She is so dumb, she put two M&M’s in her ears and thought she was listening to Eminem. She’s so dumb, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new burger at McDonald’s. She’s so dumb, she took her dog to Pet Smart to get an IQ test (and the dog scored much higher than her). She’s so dumb, she picked Dunkin’ Donuts as her favorite basketball team. She’s so dumb, she cut open a pineapple and yelled, “Spongebob, where are you?”. I could do this all day. She is so dumb, she thought a runny nose was an exercise.
I guess I’d better quit before someone sees this and accuses me of being racist, which is of course, the usual argument against anyone who doesn’t have any use for a person of another race. I don’t care about her skin color. I just care that she’s a total idiot. And the really bad thing is, compared to Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Walters is a Mensa candidate. But that’s all a blog for another day. You’ll have to vote for that blog to see what’s in it. But if you like your plan, you can keep your plan. And if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. How did all of that work out? At least “the Donald” will save us all. We’re totally f*cked! But it could be worse. It could be Hillary. Oops! Sorry. The comments keep coming out and I can’t help it. Our choices were Donald & Hillary, aka “Turd” and “Douchebag”. How did Trey Parker and Matt Stone get it so right. Oh vey!
Let’s just go ahead and do this survey. I’m going to go do this and then either go make a pot of homemade chicken and dumplings (or) go out in the middle of the street and do my impressions of “Gene Gene the Dancing Machine”. Which will it be? Have to wait and see. Let’s do this…
A Very Weird Survey…
001. What is Your Name?
Well, you can call me Ray or you can call me Jay or by my birth name, Doug. But I prefer “Sir” or “Master”.
002. How old are you?
Old enough to know better, but young enough to be in denial and try anyhow.
003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace?
I can’t even get on my MySpace anymore. But find me on Facebook at facebook.com/saltpalace. I think that’s it. Let me know if it’s not.
Weird & Random 😉
004. What is your favorite talking fruit?
The guys from St. Andrews wearing skinny jeans and man-buns on their head.
005. What’s you favorite talking animal?
My cat, Goldie. She talks to me all the time. She has a strong accent in “Felinebonics”, but I understand her.
006. What is your best friend’s Mom’s name?
That would be Amy… And he’s not just my “best friend”, but also my “heterosexual life mate”. Yeah, my nigga, you stuck with me… lol
007. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole?
I am currently mole free, although I have seen some trails in our yard where they’ve been out there digging.
008. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
I can’t really think of any teachers I had that were all that. But then again, it’s been almost 35 years since I was in school and my memory sucks so what do I know anyhow?
009. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
I’m not sure if it would count as “making out”, but there was some activity. Yeah, we can call it “making out”. Works for me.
010. What body part do you wash first?
Stomach, chest and privates. I got to be clean and smelling fresh.
011. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms?
I try to avoid public bathrooms as much as possible. This is NC, after all, and there might be some confused transgenderites in the stall next to me, trying to figure out if that’s a penis or a vagina in between their legs, totally unsure of what to do next. (I’m joking by the way. Don’t hate me!)
012. What’s the strangest talent you have?
Thats for me (and your boyfriend) to know and for people who want to watch the video to find out. Damn, I sound like WWE’s Paige, don’t I?
013. What’s your favorite flavored Pringles?
The regular, plain, simple ones. I’m not into all those fancy flavors. Thats why they make dips.
014. Have you ever been tied up? Do you want to be?
With neckties and with licorice. Also handcuffed, It was kind of fun and I’d do it again with the right person (like your boyfriend),
015. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
I have no idea. That was a long, long, long time ago. Probably would have been for going somewhere without leaving a note, but I’m just guessing on that.
016. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
Yeah, I guess we can call them “dates”… lol
017. How many times have you been cussed out?
I’ve worked in customer service and with the public for over thirty-five years. Use your imagination, multiply that by ten and add twenty-five. It’s more than that…
018. Which shoe do you put on first?
Whichever one happens to be closest to my hand when I reach out to pick up a shoe. Duh!
019. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Yeah. That’s where I met your boyfriend.
020. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
They’re human and generally alive and breathing. Well, there was that one, but that was just a passing fancy and he was cold to my advances. But the rest, all alive and not on life support.
021. Did you French kiss before you were 16?
Yes, but it wasn’t with a French… it was with an American.
022. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
Cow tipping – yes. Snipe hunting? Nope. I can’t remember when they come into season.
023. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
It varies, but generally it’s my BFF or one of my exes (damn you, Mr. Haney). And sometimes, it’s a fictional character from one of my fiction stories that I’m working on.
024. Have you ever had a poem or a song written about you?
025. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets again or not wash your bath towel ever again, which would you rather not wash?
The bath towel.. I can drip dry if it gets too nasty. But bed sheets. I know who and what has been in that bed and they have to be washed weekly (at least that often).
026. Have you ever found anything in your parents’ bedroom that was questionable?
I have, but I won’t talk about my dad’s “smoking habit” here. And that was 38 years ago, by the way.
027. What was your childhood nickname?
I don’t know if I even had one. My Mom’s friend Stuart, used to call me “George”.
028. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
I don’t play the air guitar. I prefer the air drums or the skin flute.
029. If Abe Lincoln and George Washington got into a fight who’d win?
Abe Lincoln. He has the height and reach advantage and was an accomplished wrestler in his youth. George was a soldier and I’m sure was a tough guy, but if Abe could ever get him down, it’s be over pretty quickly.
030. How far east can you go before you’re heading west?
Is this one of those trick questions trying to show why we needed to learn algebra in school or is it just some kind of Common Core problem. I say, “Green”.
031. Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
I don’t think they could properly look into their own mouths or over-charge themselves with their billing very well, so they probably go to their former partners / proteges and let them do the dental work needed.
032. Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?
I don’t know, but I guess it’s because no one could keep a straight face ordering a “McWeiner”. Thats why Burger King is better. They have hot dogs… and they’re good too. Overpriced, but still quite yummy, especially if you’re hungry and have coupons.
033. At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
The one that my arm is resting on. And it’s not really mine. It belongs to the theater and I’m just borrowing it while I watch the movie and make out with your boyfriend.
034. What is Satan’s last name?
035. Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don’t have toes?
Hang it on the thumb.
036. If corn cobs could go to the toilet, would they use the male, female, or the unicorn bathroom?
In North Carolina, they would use the bathroom that matches their birth certificate.
037. If you went to a store where everything costs $1.00, then shouldn’t you be able to buy everything for $1.00?
That’s a nice idea. I’ll mention that next time I go to Dollar Tree and see if they’ll go for it.
038. Why is it called a missile if it’s meant to hit a target, shouldn’t they change the name to succeedile or hitile?
If it’s meant to hit Target, then Wal-Mart probably sent it. Wal-Mart is the most evil place on earth.
039. If you’re addicted to smoked cheese, can you get cheese patches?
Now you’re getting silly. Cheese is not addictive. Unless it’s in the can. Canned cheese is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity.
040. If the answer is blowing in the wind, then is the question swimming in the waves?
I refuse to answer any questions. Ask your boyfriend. He knows.
041. If you jaywalk in a J shape, then are you automaticaly considered a criminal mastermind?
Or a stupid idiot. Either way, guess where you’re going. That’s right. You’re going on “the LIST!”
042. If you’re your own grandpa and you commit suicide, then is it also considered grand-patricide?
Only if the DNA matches and you’re somewhere else besides West Virginia or South Carolina.
043. How can you ‘lend’ someone a helping hand when you can’t take it out?
I know how to lend “a hand”… Ask your boyfriend and he’ll tell you.
044. If a bus stops at a bus station, does your work stop at your workstation?
Work stops and comes to a complete standstill at my “workstation” all the time. I ain’t getting paid enough to work AND socialize too so something had to give.
045. Wrong to go wrong always? How many wrongs did I say?
Just enough to be considered a stupid idiot. You are on “the List!”.
046. Favorite: Is this even a question? I plead the fifth. Or drink a fifth. Or something like that.
047. Favorite Food? – Chinese (all of it. I’m hungry!)
048. Favorite dessert? Banana Pudding
049. Favorite Planet? Planet of the Apes
050. Favorite Country? Willie, Waylon, Bare & Jones, with a touch of Conway thrown in for good measure… and Jessi.
051. Favorite Movie? The one that I write, produce, direct and makes me millions of dollars… or Clerks.
052. Favorite Game? The game of life…
053. Favorite Song? The Barney song.
054. Favorite Anime? I don’t do anime (except for with your boyfriend. He’s a kinky freak. Did you know that?)
055. Favorite Fictional Character? To write about, Barnabas Collins (from Dark Shadows) and Dr. Druid (from Marvel comics).
056. Favorite Non-Fiction Character? My BFF… He’s as real as it gets and far better than any TV show or book. How is this guy still alive?
057. Favorite Pokemon? Poke Man? Too easy to make a joke about your boyfriend so I won’t. But your brother knows.
058. Favorite Place? In bed or out walking late at night.
059. Favorite Toy? The “your boyfriend” jokes are getting old, aren’t they? But when that’s the answer that fits best, what else can I do?
060. Favorite Parent? Mom – she’s all I have left and if I don’t say her, she’ll smack me in the head with her shoe. Love that woman!
And that’s all for now. Now, do I go cook or go dance? I think I’ll go call my BFF and see what he and the mini-me are doing. Love them guys. I’ll be back either later tonight or tommorow. See you then (and tell your boyfriend I said “Hi” and to “Call me!”). Later gators.