The World’s Greatest Survey (Really)
Have you ever enslaved a population?
Only a few people at a time and never an entire population. What do you think I am? A dictator?
Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
Not that I’m aware of, but I did once use Canadian pennies and a slingshot to nail a friend in the head when I was a kid. He pissed me off and that was all I had. Does that count?
Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No. Everyone I’ve killed has been the right person.
Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Well, I gave them some duct tape and a band aid to fix it so it’s all good.
Have you ever been a professional critic?
I criticize professionals all the time and I am an “Internet Wrestling Journalist” (whatever the hell that is), so my answer would have to be “Maybe”.
Have you ever wiped out a family?
Of ants? For sure.
Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Sanity? Never had it and never will.
Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Like in the back of a Volkswagen? No comment.
Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
I forgot to unplug the miscrowave. My bad!
Have you ever made love to a dead body?
I wouldn’t call it “making love”. They were very cold to my advances.
Have you ever engaged in piracy?
I had this dream one time and it had an eye-patch, a hook, a ship and Johnny Depp. Does that count?
Have you ever been a pimp?
I have never owned a blue cadillac or a ho’. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, don’t you know.
Have you ever eaten a human body?
Just a little licking, nibbling and gnawing, but no actual body consumption.
Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
That depends. Have you ever heard me sing karaoke?
Have you ever exterminated a species?
No, but not from lack of trying.
Have you ever been a professional Executioner?
Nope, just an amateur.
Have you given robots a bad name?
I think they bring their bad reputations upon themselves. I had nothing to do with it.
Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes, but then I changed my mind and set them free. What would I want with boobys?
Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Not so much failed as just decided to go home instead and take a nap. I was tired.
Have you driven anyone insane?
*Looks around at family and friends* – I’m not sure if I’m the reason or not, but someone or something surely has had an effect on these folks.
Is anyone looking for you?
Elmer Fudd. He thinks I’m a wabbit.
Have you ever set a poor example?
Better a poor example than no example at all, I always say.
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
No, I came for a Pepsi and a donut and decided to stick around. I still have to go rescue my leader.
Are you in hiding?
Only from a few Government agencies and the occasional psychotic pygmy in a wheelchair. Other than that, I’m cool.
Have you systematically set up mysteries?
The OJ Murders. I know who did it… and I’m not telling.
Hae you ever made a practice of confusing people?
I’m confused. To hell with everyone else.
Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes, it’s easier and hurts less.
Have you ever gone crazy?
Gone crazy? I’ll get back to you on that one.
Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Only if I thought it might get me laid or get me a crazy check.
Have you ever deserted or betrayed a great leader?
I needed a nap.
Have you ever smothered a baby?
But they looked so cute playing with those plastic bags. How was I to know?
Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yeppers. I’m a cool dude, a sexy beast and just pretty awesome to be around, except for when the mood swings or the alternate personalities take over. But they’re harmless and everyone still loves me… really.
Have you ever castrated anyone?
The day is still young.
Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Beat me, whip me, make me listen to Adele records.
Is there any question on this list that I’d better not ask you again.
That weird one about that stuff that I’d rather not talk about. But the rest is okay.
Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Yes, but jello and instant pudding can only do so much.
Have you ever zapped anyone?
I don’t even like Scott Baio.
Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
No diseases to be spread around here, but I did have some peanut butter and I spread it on some ginger snaps. And then I munched. It was good. Very yummy.
And there you go. The end! That’s all folks!