WWE Match Game (WWE Fan Fiction) – Originally written in March, 2009

A/N: Yes, we have another WWE game show parody. I’ve got a ton of ’em. This is the WWE version of the classic game show, Match Game. It’s dated, of course – written back in March, 2009, but that shouldn’t matter. Enjoy!

(A TV studio in Los Angeles, CA)

Mean Gene Okerlund: “Get ready to meet the stars. Just because it shouldn’t be done, it’s the sequal that no one has asked for or anticipated. It’s a Vinnie Mac “In Your Pants” Production. It’s the game show that ruled the seventies and the sports-entertainment genre that has dominated the last twenty years – together. It’s…WWE Match Game 2009. Please welcome our guests on the panel, Former 16-Time World Champion ‘Nature Boy’ Ric Flair, Hornswoggle & Maria, Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero, ‘The Immortal’ Hulk Hogan, The Star of ‘Twelve Rounds’, John Cena and ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin. And here is your host, the Ayatollah of Rock & Rolla, the first ever Unified World Heavyweight Champion, this is ‘Y2J’ Chris Jericho.”

Jericho: “Hold it right there, you geritol eating jack-ass! I don’t do this comedy stuff anymore. I’m a former WWE Champion and the future of sports-entertainment. I came back to save myself from the idiot fans and to humble and humiliate fake legends and glory-hogs like these ass-clowns on the panel… all desperate for one last moment of glory and fame, prostituting themselves for one more moment in the spotlight like little puppets on a string. Well, they can be clowns and whores if they choose to, but not me. I’m Chris Jericho. I’m a wrestler and I’m a legend. I’m not a joke. And I refuse to take part in this parody.”

(Jericho storms off the set and leaves.)

Okerlund: “Gimme a break! Ummm. What do we do now? Do we have an extra host on call? OK, I’m getting word from the back and we’ve got a replacement. So, please allow me to introduce our host for WWE Match Game 2009. This can’t be right. This is such a train wreck. I’d rather be working with Heenan or even Schiavone. Here is your host, Jamie ‘By God!’ Noble.”

(Jamie Noble comes out as the sounds of ‘Freebird’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd fills the studio.)

Noble: I knew if I stood around in the back long enough, I’d finally get a chance to be a big star and show the world just what Jamie Noble can do. I’m more excited now than that time I had the big breakfast special up at the Waffle House with ODB. That girl can eat, let me tell ya! So what do we do next? Let me introduce the boys playing the game tonight. They’re coming out on this spinning thing here.

(The podium spins around to reveal the two contestents.)

Jamie: “Player A is a former WWE rassler and superstar. He’s the Hardcore Legend, Mick Foley!”

(Mick waves to the audience and gives a grin and a big thumbs up!)

Jamie: “Player B needs no introduction. He’s the Great One, The People’s Champion, it’s none other than Dwayne Johnson, aka ‘The Rock!’ ”

(The Rock raises an eyebrow as he looks into the camera and grabs his mic.)

Rock: “Finally, the Rock has come back to.. the WWE!”

Jamie: “Thank you, Rock!”

Rock: “And might I ask, Mr. TV Host, with your flannel shirt, your tiny little body, and your obvious high intellect, who are you?”

Jamie: “Who am I? Who am I? Listen up, boy! My name is Jamie Noble and…”

Rock: “It doesn’t matter who you are!”

Jamie: “Fine! I don’t like your movies anyway! Let’s get this game started. Ya’ll know how this works. I read a question and you guys and gals on the panel give your answer and these losers over here try to match you. Are you ready?”

(Lots of muttering and mumbling among the panel.)

Jamie: “Hey Foley? OK boy, pick a letter, either A or B.”

Foley: “I’ll pick B for all of my buds in the audience.”

(Foley grins and gives a big thumbs up to the crowd – to absolutely no response.)

Jamie: “See what happens when you go to TNA – no one remembers you and the pops don’t work.”

Foley: “As opposed to never leaving, like you’ve done and no still knows who you are!”

Jamie: “Hey boy, don’t make me stomp your ass. You’re pushing it!”

(Foley grinned as Jamie picked up envelope B and reads the question.)

Jamie: “Mae Young decided to open a pet store. Her store specialize in birds, cats and blank!”

(The cheezy music plays as the panel write down their answers.)

Jamie: OK, Cactus Jack, you heard the question. Fill in the blank. Mae Young decided to open a pet store. Her store specializes in birds, cats and blank. What’s the blank!”

Foley (with a big grin): “This one is obvious. The answer should be puppies.”

(The crowd cheers – they like the answer given by Foley)

Jamie: “And Dude Love, who ain’t never had no women liking him like they do Jamie Noble, says the answer is puppies. Let’s see what the panel says. Let’s start off with the fomer 16-time World Champ, the Nature Boy Ric Flair. What do you say, Ric.”

Ric: “Wooooooooooo! Time to style and profile. Like this watch? It costs more than your home, buddy. Wooooo! Space Mountian – the oldest ride in the park, but still with the longest lines. Woooo!”

Jamie: “Just answer the question, Champ!”

Ric: “You want the answer. You want to know why I bleed, I sweat, I pay the God-o-mighty price – Wooooooo!”

(Ric starts pounding himself in the forehead, opening up his head and drawing blood and then jumps up, dropping elbows on the floor.)

Ric: “Wooooooooo! Style and profile! Woooooooooo!”

(Flair suddenly stiffens and does a patented ‘Flair-Flop’ on the floor!)

Jamie: “What in the hell are you doing, Flair. Just give me an answer, damn it!”

(Flair pulls himself up and moves back into his seat.)

Jamie: “Are you OK, Ric? Do you want some water?”

(Flair just shakes his head no.)

Jamie: “Well, do you have an answer?”

Ric: “What was the question again? Woooo!”

(Noble repeats the question. Flair looks straight into the camera and gives his answer.

Ric: “Baby Doll!”

Jamie: “You said ‘Baby Doll’? Damn, that was a fine looking woman. But sorry, Ric, no match. Let’s move on to Hornswoggle and Maria. Hey girl, how you doing?”

Maria: “I’m fine, Jamie.”

(Hornswoggle just grunts a few times while staring manically at Maria’s boobs.)

Jamie: “So girl, when we get done here, you want to go out? I’ve got coupons for the Red Lobster!”

Maria: “No, Jamie. Sorry! Me and Horny are going out with Ric to style and profile.”

Ric: “Woooooooooooo!”

(Hornswoggle just grunts and grins some more.)

Jamie: “Fine girl, your loss. Why you want a broken down plow mule when you can be with a stallion, I just don’t get it! So what’s your answer to the question? Foley says ‘puppies’. And you say…”

(Hornswoggle leaves over and whispers in Maria’s ear. She turns a bright red and smiles.)

Maria: “Are you sure?”

(Hornswoggle just grins and nods happily.)

Maria: “Horny says the right answer is crabs.”

Jamie: “Who’s got crabs. Them folks at the clinic said I didn’t have that problem no more!”

Maria: “Not you, Jamie. The answer to the question about Mae.”

Jamie: “Mae has crabs? Damn!”

Maria: “You asked a question and that was our answer. I don’t think Mae has crabs.”

Jamie: “I knew that. I was just testing you.”

Maria: “Sure Jamie. If you say so!”

Jamie: “Anyhow, it ain’t no match. Foley said puppies. And crabs ain’t no puppies. So let’s move on to the boss-lady from Smackdown, it’s General Manager Vickie Guerrero.”

(The entire audience reacts in a deafening roar of boos and catcalls!)

Vickie: “Excuse Me! Excuse Me!”

(The crowd just gets louder and more rude and crude!)

Vickie: “Excuse Me! Excuse Me!”

Jamie: “Hey! Ya’ll have respect for a lady! Especially a woman as sexy and hot as Vickie.”

Vickie: “Thank you, Jamie!”

Jamie: “So if you’re not doing anything later…”

(Vickie looks at Jamie and starts laughing hysterially).

Jamie: “All right girl, be that way. What’s your answer?”

(Vickie composes herself and wipes the tears from her eyes after laughing so much.)

Vickie: “Thanks Jamie. I needed that laugh!”

Jamie: “Just give your answer girl!”

Vickie: “It’s not personal. But I’m a married woman and…”

(Vickie looks at Jamie and starts laughing again.)

Jamie: “Yeah, tell that to the Big Show! Give us your answer.”

Vickie: “I said chickens!”

Jamie: “Chickens?”

Vickie: “Yes. Back when I was a young girl, we always had lots of chickens around. They’re great pets!”

Jamie: “Damn! And people call me a hick? No match! Let’s move on to the next person. It’s none other than the biggest icon in wrestling, the Immortal Hulk Hogan.”

Hulk: “Thank ya, brutha! And whatcha gonna do when the biggest arms in the world, the pythons run wild on you!”

Jamie: “Your daughter is hot! You think she’d want to go out with a real man… a man like Jamie No…”

Hulk: “NO!”

Jamie: “Cause I saw what she did with that pole dance and I was thinking to myself, that girl is smoking!”

Hulk: “NO!”

Jamie: “Well, how about your ex-wife, Linda. She has the biggest…”

Hulk: “No… well, maybe Linda. I’ll give you her number after the show.”

Jamie: “Hot damn! Thank you, Hulk! Are those things real?”

Hulk: “Let me do my damn plugs and then answer the question so I can get out of here, brutha!”

Jamie: “Uh, OK! So Hulk, do you have any new projects coming up?”

Hulk: “Well brutha, we have the second season of Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling coming up on CMT in just a few months. Check your local listings. And I’ve got a new book coming out in a few months. Buy it, brutha! I need the cash!”

Jamie: “Thank you Hulk. And now, for our question. Mae Young has a pet store. It specializes in birds, cats and blank. Foley says puppies. And you say?”

Hulk: “Well brutha, it has to be something the Hulkster knows all about. Did I ever tell you about the time I slammed the 42 ton Andre the Giant in front of a gazillion fans in the Pontiac Silverdome at Wrestlemania III?”

(Everyone on the panel and the entire studo audience all answer in one big resounding voice.)

Everyone: “YES!”

Hulk: “Well, as I was saying, it’s all about the largest arms in the world. I’m talking about the pythons, brutha!”

Jamie: “So your answer is…?”

Hulk: “Pythons!”

Jamie: “No match. Hogan, you’re an idiot. But your daughter is still smoking Sure you don’t want to give me her phone number?”

(Hogan just glares at Noble.)

Jamie: “Let’s move on. So far, four answers and no matches. Up next is former WWE Champion and the star of the big hit movie’Twelve Rounds’, this is John Cena.”

Cena: “Do I really have to be here?”

Jamie: “Vince said you did, so here you are.”

Cena: “Damn!”

Jamie: “We’re running short on time so plug your movie and give your answer.”

Cena: “First off, I want to send my undying love and devotion to Vickie Guerrero, who is sitting above me. Vickie, I love you baby, and after that answer about chickens, it just confirmed what we already knew due to your relationships with Edge and Big Show – that you love chickens… and roosters. Yes Vickie, we know you love the co…!”

Jamie: “Hold it there, boy! WWE is PG rated now. We can’t talk about how Vickie loves the big weiners anymore.

Vickie (obviously mad): “Excuse me! Excuse me!”

Cena: “There’s no excuse for you, darlin. Just like there won’t be any excuses when I beat Edge and Big Show at Wrestlemania 25 for the World Heavyweight Championship.”

Jamie: “So do you have an answer for Foley?”

Cena: “Yep, and I’m going to do this vintage, old school style.”

Maria: “He’s going to walk the top rope?”

Ric Flair: “No, he’s going to walk that aisle, then bleed, sweat and pay the price.”

Hogan: “Old school means he does the job to me, just like everyone else has!”

Cena: “I’m going to rap, you idiots!”

Jamie: “Just get it over with and give us your answer!”.

Cena: “So many things that need to be said
almost as many things, as Vickie has in her bed
Hogan is the man – and his daughter is hot
but his wife is a bitch – and his son needs to be shot

I have a new movie out
and it’s going to the top
it’s going to make some money
because ‘The Condemned’ its not

But that doesn’t mean
I’m burning my bridges and going Hollywood
because unlike some hypocrites
I know where I have it good

As for my answer
why the hell am I on this stupid show
I think I’d rather be in the back
drinking a beer with Jericho”

Jamie: “Is that it?”

Cena: “Yeah!”

Jamie: “So what was your answer?”

Cena: “Goldfish.”

Jamie: “Goldfish?”

Cena: “Yeah, when I was a little boy, I used to have this goldfist named Lenny. I miss my fish. And if Mae has a pet shop, she has to sell goldfish.”

Jamie: “Damn, boy. You’re as brain dead as the rest of them. No match. And now, finally, let’s go to ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin. How are ya, Steve?”

Austin: “You talking to me?”

Jamie: “Yes, it’s your turn. Do you have an answer for Foley’s question?”

Austin: “Do I have an answer for Foley’s question?”

Jamie: “Yes.”

Austin: I have an answer for you right here.

(Austin shoots Noble two twin middle fingers!)

Jamie: All right boy. We’ve got to get this show moving and don’t you know who you’re talking to? I’m Jamie Noble and I’m…”

Austin: “You’re a stupid sunuvabitch if you keep interupting me like that!”

Jamie: “Just answer the question!”

Austin: “What was the question?”

Jamie (sighing loudly): “Mae Young opened a pet store. It specializes in birds, cats and blank. How do you fill in the blank?”

Austin: “Well, I could say aardvarks.”

Audience: “What?”

Austin: “Or chimps.”

Audience: “What?”

Austin: “Or Red Roosters.”

Audience: “What?”

Austin: “British Bulldogs!”

Audience: “What?”

Austin: “Mantuars.”

Audience: “What?”

Austin: “Butchers”

Audience: “What?”

Austin: “Or even rabid wolverines!”

(Silence fills the studio – no one says a word!)

Austin: “But I didn’t say any of those things!”

Jamie: “So what’s your answer?”

Austin: “What’s my name?”

Jamie; “What?”

Austin: “I said, what’s my name?”

Jamie: “It’s Steve Austin.. what the hell are you talking about?”

Austin: “What’s my other name?”

Jamie: “What other name?”

Austin: “My nickname, you stupid moron!”

Jamie: “Stone Cold?”

(Austin puts his head down in his head and sighs!)

Maria: “I think he means the Texas Rattlesnake nickname.”

Austin: “There you go. Score one for the brainiac up on the top row?”

Jamie: “So your answer is ‘Texas Rattlesnake’? That doesn’t make any sense?”

Hogan: “Has anything on this show made any sense so far, brutha?”

Jamie: “Good point! But if that’s your answer, it’s no match!”

Austin: “Yes, it is?”

Jamie: “No, it’s not!”

Austin: “And I said it is!”

Jamie: But Major Hardcore over there said puppies. You’re saying rattlesnakes. That’s not a match!’

Austin: “Austin 3:16 says I’m gonna kick your bony little ass unless it’s a match!”

Jamie: “Hey boy, do you know who I am? I’m Jamie Noble and I’m not gonna be bullied. The rules say it’s gotta be a match and that’s..”

Austin: “I’ll give you the phone number for my ex-wife Debra if it’s a match.”

Jamie: “And the rules say it’s a match. Debra. She a hot mama. So Foley, you have one match!”

Foley: “I win! I win!”

Rock: “Now wait a minute! What about the Rock? What about the most electrifying man in sports-entertainment? How is this fair? How can a rattlesnake and a puppy be a match? The Rock says…!”

Jamie: “It doesn’t matter what the Rock says, boy! We’re out of time so since Foley is up 1 to nuthin he wins the grand prize.”

Rock (sulking): I’m going back to Hollywood where they appreciate the Rock!”

Jamie: “Hey Rocky, don’t get mad. You’ve won a big prize too. A weekend with a WWE Diva.”

Rock (cheering up): “The Rock likes his Divas. Who gets to sample stroudle with the Rock? Is it Maria? Or Eve? Or maybe Trish back for a brush with greatness!”

Jamie: “Nah, boy! It’s this Diva right here. Come on out!”

(Mae Young comes running out and immediately goes after the Rock, putting her arms around him and kissing him. The Rock lets loose with a violent shriek of agony and fear and shoves Mae away before running out of the studio.)

Rock: “Aaaaaaagghhhhhhh!”

Mae: “Come back Rocky baby and let me sample that stroudle!”

(Rock and Mae vanish out the studio doors as everyone watches.)

Jamie: “Well, I guess that’s it for the show. Hey Austin, don’t foget to give me Debra’s number.”

Austin: “I will, ya crazy little bastard. After everything Debra put me through, I can’t think of a better thing for her than hooking her up with your irritating little ass!”

Jamie: “Huh?”

Austin: “I’ll give you the number as soon as we end the show!”

Jamie: “OK! I’m gonna rock that girl’s world. Nothing but Dennys and the Waffle House every night! So that’s the show. Hey Foley, got something to say since you’re the winner?”

Foley: “Have a nice day!”

Jamie: “And that’s all, ya’ll! So long!”


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