WWE Newlywed Game (Originally written January 26, 2011)
Mean Gene Okerlund: “Welcome to the all new Newlywed Game! This is ‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund… give me a break!… Now let’s see how well these four married couples really do know each other. Couple number one comes from Houston, Texas. Please welcome Booker T & Sharmell. Couple number two is from Stamford, CT. It’s Edge and Vickie Guerrero. And couple number three is from Florida. It’s Hulk and Linda Hogan.”
Vickie: “Excuse me! Excuse me! Me and Edge are NOT married! I have a wonderful boyfriend named Dolph Ziggler!”
Edge: “And why would I be married to her? Why would anyone be married to her? She’s a cow?”
Vickie: “Excuse me? Excuse me?”
Edge: “There’s no excuse for you, Vickie!”
Vickie: “You’d better be glad my boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler isn’t here or else he’d beat you up!”
Edge: “Oh, I’m so scared. I’m shaking!”
Okerlund: “Give me a break! Vince said that you were married and that you had to be here!”
Vickie: “But that was just for the shows?”
Okerlund: “Take it up with the boss, lady! I just work here!”
Hulk Hogan: “Hey Mean Gene, brutha! What’s up with me and Linda being here? We’re not married anymore! I’ve got a young, attractive, sexy wife now.”
Linda: “And I’ve got a young, hot stud who can actually satisfy me in the bedroom now and who’s not a broken down, cliche-addicted muscle head like Terry!”
Hulk: “Cliche addicted? Listen up, Linda Hogan. Hulkamania is the strongest force in the universe and whatcha gonna do… watcha gonna do, when the pythons come down on you?”
Linda: “I rest my case!”
Booker T: “Shut up peasants! King Booker is here and I have the floor now!”
Sharmell: “All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker!”
Okerlund: “Please, let’s have some order here. I have to finish my introductions and bring out our host!”
Hogan: “Go for it, brutha. Let’s get this over with!”
Vickie: “I don’t care what you do.”
Edge: “Sure, Gene-o-mac. Let’s get it over with!”
Booker T: “Proceed, peasant!”
Okerlund: “Give me a break! Here’s the host of this craziness and the man of the hour, and I wish him a lot of luck dealing with this madness… it’s Chris Jericho.”
Chris Jericho walks out and goes to the podium.
Jericho: “What is this? I told Vince that I will not… I can not be his savior every time he has a project that needs to be saved from mediocricity. Dealing with these ass-clowns in the ring is more than enough. I am a living legend, a true icon in this business, and a bonifide rock star… and I will never, eeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrr, be a joke and waste my time with these shenanigans again. I quit!”
And Jericho walks off the stage.
Okerlund: “Oh no, so what do we do? Mr. Director, we have no host. Jericho just walked off. Give me a break! What’s going on? Oh wait, I’m getting a message in my earpiece. We have a substitute host and replacement. Our new host for the Newlywed Game is… this can’t be right. Oh yes, everyone give a big hand to the “Macho Man” Randy Savage.”
“Pomp and Circumstance” plays as Randy Savage comes out and takes the podium.
Savage: “Ooooh yeah, the Macho Man is back and doing a game show! Yeah! Lots of fun and prizes and excitement! Dig it!”
Hulk: “Welcome back, brutha!”
Savage: “I’m having some memories, yeah! Hogan and Linda… broke up my marriage to Liz… oh yeah, I remember. Backstabbers to the max, dig it!”
Linda: “We didn’t break up your marriage. I just told Liz that she needed to take control and assert herself and find a good man.”
Savage: “And I wasn’t a good man in your opinion? I loved Liz! She was cool! Dig it!”
Linda: “You were okay, but you had that thing going on with Sherri.”
Savage: “That was story-line and not real life, you bitch!”
Linda: “It looked real to me!”
Savage: “Who told you it was real? Liz knew it was what it was and what it was again. You and Hulk stabbed me in the back and that’s not cool… oh yeah!”
Hulk: “We never stabbed you in the back, brutha! It was you that stabbed us in the back. You’re jealous of Hulkamania and the pythons. Get over it, brutha!”
Savage: “Oh, I’m over it. I was over it a long time ago, but maybe now, I’m back not over it again… cause you’re yellow, Hogan. You’re a punk!”
Hulk: “No one calls, Hogan yellow, brutha!”
Hogan gets up to flex and rip his shirt, but age has taken it’s toll and the shirt is too tough for him to rip.
Hulk: “I’ll get back to you on that, brutha!”
Savage: “And I’ll be waiting with the bells on… oh yeah!”
Vickie: “Excuse me! I said excuse me! Are we going to do this show or not? I don’t want to sit next to Edge any longer than I have to.”
Edge: “And do you think I want to sit next to you? You smell like that loser boyfriend of yours… all geeky and nerdy!”
Vickie: “Dolph Ziggler is not geeky and nerdy. He’s a smart and sexy gentleman and he loves me.”
Booker: “Suckah must be blind and stupid!”
Sharmell: “All hail King Booker!”
Vickie: “Excuse me! What did you say?”
Booker: “I said you a skank, skank!”
Edge: “Man’s got a point there, Vick.”
Sharmell: “All hail King Booker!”
Savage: “But not as big a skank as Linda Hogan… oh yeah!”
Hulk looks over at Linda and laughs.
Linda: “What are you laughing at, Mister spray-on-beard? I had to find love somewhere, since you couldn’t provide.”
Hulk: “Hulkamania always provided for you, Linda. I provided for you, for Brooke and for Nick. You never lacked for anything!”
Linda: “No dear, you were the one who lacked!”
Linda wiggled her pinky finger for everyone to see.
Edge: “Use the blue pill, Hulk. That’s what I had to use with Vicky since she was so grotesque and disgusting!”
Vickie: “Excuse me!”
Savage: “Okay, I’m getting a message from the director. We only have time for one question and have to move on now. Dig it? So we’ll throw out the long bomb and go for the Hail Mary… oooh yeah!”
Linda: “What does that mean?”
Booker: “It means they’re asking a question, wench!”
Linda: “I knew that!”
Sharmell: “All hail King Booker!”
Edge: “Will you shut up, Paisley?”
Sharmell: “You will address me as Queen Sharmell.”
Edge: “Don’t pull that crap with me. I remember when you were just a Nitro girl. How is The Artist doing, Paisley?”
Booker: “He didn’t just say that! Tell me he didn’t just say that!”
Savage: “Excuse me, ohh yeaaahh!”
Vickie: “That’s my line, Savage. Someone call my lawyers!”
Edge: “Shut up, Vickie!”
Vickie: “You shut up, Edge!”
Suddenly, Vince McMahon storms on to the set.
Vince: “If everyone doesn’t shut up now… then YOU’RE FIRED!”
Savage: “Hey Vince, how’s Stephanie doing? Oooohh yeah!”
Vince just glares at Savage…
Savage: “Has she snapped into any slim jims lately…ooooh yeah, dig it!”
Vince: “Just ask the damn question and let’s get this over with!”
Vince storms out of the studio as Savage snickers.
Savage: “Here’s the question we asked the wives. Men… and Hulk, answer this question. Where is the strangest place you’ve made whoppee? Booker, you answer first and see if you’re answer matches Sharmell’s. Ooohh yeaaahh!”
Sharmell: “That’s Queen Sharmell to you, Savage!”
Savage: “Not to the Macho King… dig it! Answer the question, Booker!”
Booker: “Making whoopee? That ain’t no question for a King. But I remember when me and Sharmell did it on Bischoff’s desk at the WCW Headquarters in Atlanta.”
Hulk: “That wasn’t Bischoff’s desk. That was my desk, brutha! I always wondered who defiled my office. We beat up Evan Karagias for it.”
Booker: “Nah, sucka! Evan and Juvi used to take the rats to the Power Plant. Me and Sharmell liked to get freaky in the corporate offices. Hmmmm! That explains all the mirrors, bandanas, and foam fingers then, it it was your desk.”
Hulk: “Nasty, brutha! I had to call in a professional crew to clean things up.”
Savage: “What are you griping about, Hogan? I remember when you used to take Beefcake and Hart into Vince’s office.”
Hulk: “What the..? Brutha, I never defiled an office with Brother Bruti or The Mouth of the South.”
Savage: “Well, what about Richter?”
Hulk: “Well, Wendi and I…”
Hogan stopped as he felt the eyes of Linda Hogan glaring and burning holes into him,
Hulk: “Listen Linda, I never did anything with Wendi Richter.”
Savage: “Did so.”
Hulk: “Did not!”
Savage: “Did so.”
Hulk: “Did not!”
Savage: “Did not!”
Hulk: “Did so!”
Savage: “See there. Hogan admits it. Oooh yeah!”
Linda: “I knew it! I knew that you cheated with her!”
Linda Hogan stands up and storms out of the studio. Hulk is right behind her as she leaves, trying to argue his case.
Hulk: “I didn’t cheat with Richter. I was just showing her how I slammed that 25,000 pound Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania, brutha! I asked her, whatcha gonna do?”
Everyone just watched as Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan walked out.
Savage: “Man up, Hogan. I told you I’d get you back… yeah! Now, what were we doing?”
Booker: “I answered your stupid question, sucka! Now is it a match or not?”
Savage: “Show your answer, Paisley.”
Sharmell glared at Savage as she turned over the card, revealing her answer.
“In the pool at Vince’s house”.
Booker (smiling): “Oh yeah, that was good too!”
Booker T and Sharmell shared a kiss.
Savage: “Not a match, but who really cares. Oooh yeah! Now, lets move on to Vickie and Edge.”
Vickie (to Booker and Sharmell): “You did it in Vince’s pool? My children swim in that pool. Yuck!”
Edge: “Cool beans! Me and Lita were going to do it there, but Christian came down and interupted us before we could get our groove on.”
Booker: “Creepy little bastard!”
Edge: “Yeah, I think he was just wanting to watch.”
Savage: “So the question was, what is the strangest place you’ve ever made whoopee. Vickie’s answer is on the card, Edge. So what’s your answer.”
Edge: “Does my answer have to be with Vickie?”
Savage: “Oooh yeah, I think it does… dig it!”
Edge: “I would say… in the butt!”
Vickie: “Excuse me! Excuse me! I said excuse me!”
Booker: “He didn’t say that! Tell me he didn’t say that!”
Sharmell: “Oh yeah, he said that!”
Vickie: “I can’t believe you said that. Wait until my boyfriend, Dolph Ziggler hears. Just wait! Just wait!
Edge: “Does he like it in the butt too?”
Vickie jumps up and runs out of the studio, shreiking in anger and tears. Edge just sits there, grinning.
Savage: “You can’t say that kind of thing on this show!”
Edge: “I’m the Rated R superstar. I can say whatever I want.”
Savage: “Well, flip her card over and see what it says.”
Edge: “I think she took it with her when she ran out.”
Savage: “Ooohh yeah, so I guess we don’t know if it’s a match or not. Doesn’t matter though cause we’re out of time. Dig it! So no winners today. This is the Macho Man, Randy Savage and speaking for everyone here at the Newlywed Game, we’re out of here. Have a great night. Oooohhhh yeah, dig it!