A./N – I wrote this originally back in October, 2003 and just found it hidden away in a folder. I had totally forgotten about it. It’s all about the WWE Slammys, before they were brought back as an annual event – I was wondering how it would go if the WWE was to bring them back. Well, they finally did a couple of years later and they’re nothing like I anticipated they would be (not nearly as much fun). But anyhow, this is what I thought they should be like. This is dated as heck since it was written almost nine years ago, but I still think it’s kind of funny. I hope you like it.
There hasn’t been any Slammy Awards in a while, but there ought to be. It’s the WWE’s answer to the Grammys, the Oscars, and the Tony’s all wrapped up in one event. Here is a version of what just might happen if the WWE was to resurrect this lost treasure.
The 2003 Slammy Awards (Live from Madison Square Garden)
Fireworks and applause. Here is your host – Chris Jericho..
Y2J: What up assclowns? Welcome to the Slammy’s Are Jericho! They wanted the best host they could find for this show. Carson and Letterman are washed-up losers! Billy Crystal is just a third-rate comic and Whoopie Goldberg is off somewhere hanging with her loser brother, Bill. So, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla is here and we’re ready to present some awards. Presenting to some loser the Slammy for Best Commentator is a blast from the past – where’d they dig this joke up – the Boogie Woogie Man from New York City – Handsome – I think someone lied to him – Jimmy Valiant.
The song “Boy From New York City” plays as Jimmy Valiant comes on the stage..
Valiant: Ooooh, mercy! The boogie man feel good tonite, baby! Yeah! Boogie has to give out the award for best man on the stick – mercy baby. The best commentator. Oooh yeah! Make Boogie look good. And the nominees are .. mercy..
A pre-recorded voiceover booms out:
Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Taz, and Ernest “the Cat” Miller..
Valiant: Mercy baby! The winner is…
Valiant rips open the envelope.
Valiant: My man, the Cat. Ernest “the Cat” Miller. Have mercy..
Ernest Miller comes on stage..
Ernest: Man, I didn’t expect this. Someone call my mama – I’m gonna have to beat somebody up. Thanks to everyone. You know what! You know what Boogie-man? I feel like dancing. Somebody hit my music..
James Brown music blares from the loudspeakers as Ernest Miller and Jimmy Valiant start dancing on stage.
Chris Jericho: Someone get those two assclowns off the stage. I see being a moron transcends all generations. If that’s the kind of losers we have to see all night, this is going to be a long one. Here is the next presenter for the Slammy for Best Buns. This can’t be right. It is? OK – here is Hulk Hogan..
Real American blares over the spreaker-system as Hulk Hogan climbs on the stage.
Hogan: You know bruthuhs, Vince McMahon didn’t want the Hulkster to be here tonite.
Jericho (from his announce position) Why are you here, Hogan? I thought you were fired after your little Mr. America ruse fell through.
Hogan: Well, you know bro, that Hulkamania lives forever! And let me make one think perfectly clear. I am not Mr. America, bruthuh!
Jericho: We all saw the video of you unmasking. Why continue with this charade. It’s over, Sulk!
Hogan: I wouldn’t lie to all the Hulkamaniacs out there, bruthuh! Say your prayers and take your vitamins. Whatcha gonna do …
Jericho: Just announce the nominees, you steriod infected, bald headed assclown..
Hogan: What nominees? It’s all about Hulkamania, bruthuh! Whatcha gonna do … whatcha …
Jericho: Get that loser off the stage – someone do the nominee things.
Several security men run onstage and grab Hogan who tries to no-sell their attempts to subdue him.. He starts to Hulk up, and gets sprayed by pepper spray. He starts to no sell, but falls to the ground, gasping for air.
Hogan: Bruthuh – supposed to job.. (cough – cough) put me over (cough) .. why?
Hogan passes out as the security guards haul him off.
Chris Jericho: Good riddance, you jackass! And the nominees are:
Pre-recorded voiceover fills the arena.
The Nominees for Best Buns Are: Rickishi, Mr. McMahon, Mr. Ass Billy Gunn, & Torrie Wilson.
Jericho: and the Best Buns Slammy goes to: our boss, Mr. McMahon..
Vince’s music plays, but no one comes out.
Jericho: Mr. McMahon couldn’t be here tonite. He’s having Patterson and Brisco’ s lips surgicially removed from his extraordinary posterier, so I’ll accept this for him. Thank you very much. And now our next presenters.. Here is Booker T.
Booker T comes out to great applause.
Booker: What’s up? It’s time for the five-time,five time, five time, five time, five time WCW champion, and the current WWE Intercontinential champion.. Don’t hate the playa – hate the game. These are the nominees for the slammy for “best death”. And while these people announce the nominees, it’s time for a slammy-spineroonie.
Booker does a “spineroonie” while the names are read over the speaker system.
Pre-recorded voice over: The nominees for “best death” are Al Wilson, Roddy Piper, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash.
Booker: And the winner is: Hulk Hogan. Now can you dig that, suckah!
Hulk Hogan comes out to accept his slammy.
Hogan: Well, it’s like this bruthuh!(cough) I’ve got these 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania is the strongest force in the Universe. I just got pepper sprayed, but I don’t job for nobody, bruthuh! McMahon thought I was through. Bruthuh! Well, this slammy proves, once and for all, that Hulkamania is running wild! So what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do.
Jericho (from the sidelines): Hey Hogan! Hogan!
Hogan: What do you want, Jericho?
Jericho: I want to see you get your ass kicked by security again. Did you read the slammy, you freak? It’s for death, like your career, like Hulkamania, like this crowd everytime you start to speak…
Hogan: Death? Bruthuh? Who died bruthuh? Hulkamania isn’t dead, bruthuh! It’s the strongest force in the universe. What ya gonna do..
Jericho: Cut his mic off. Security, get this moron out of here. Ask not for who the Undertaker comes Hogan – he comes for you – you bald headed Thunderlipped jackass. And here’s our next presenter. Straight from an AA meeting near you – it’s Scott Hall.
Massive applause as Scott comes to the podium.. You see Hogan come by, being chased by security.
Scott Hall: Hey yo! Before we do this award thing, I think it’s time for a little survey. You know how this works, OK. Hey yo!
Crowd is totally silent..
Hall: So, are you all here to see … WCW?
The crowd remains totally silent!
Hall: Or.. are you here to see the N.W.O.?
Crowd is still totally silent.
Jericho: Hey, Scott! The NWO is gone – WCW is gone – it’s all WWE now, you greased up monkey!
Hall: Gone? What about the Wolfpac?
Hall: When did all this happen, Jericho?
Jericho: About 2 1/2 years ago.. Where have you been?
Hall: I went to the 7-11 for a beer and – I don’t remember – hey, yo!
Jericho: You don’t remember?
Hall: Hey, yo! Hey, yo! Hmmmmmm! Hey yo!
Jericho: This assclown has lost it – someone get him off the stage.
Kevin Nash comes out and leads Hall off the stage. A voice reads over the soundsystem: And the nominees for Best Dressed Slammy are : Ric Flair, William Regal, Golddust, and Rico..
Jericho: The winner is (and it should be me – I’m a Hollywood fashion plate) William Regal.
William Regal comes out to the podium.
Regal: Thank you. I didn’t really expect all you commoners and lowlifes to be able to look past your fashions by Wal-Mart to realize what an elegant and dapper appearance can do for a man. I only wear the very best, custom-made, by my own personal designer in London. It’s so hard to maintain a proper appearance when dealing with lower forms of life so often. But every so often, it is appreciated and for that, and this award, as your good will ambassador, I thank you.
Jericho: What the? What the hell did that pompous ass-clown say? Go sip some tea, you biscuit and crumpet eating jackass. Here is the next award – the Slammy for Best Diva. Your presenters are Chris Benoit and Jerry “the King” Lawler.
Applause as Beniot and the King come to the podium.
Chris: You know, King, an important part of the WWE these days are it’s Diva’s.
Chris: Not just puppies, but the intensity and effort put forth – these ladies are how I like ’em – silent but violent.
Lawler: They can get violent with me anytime – sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.. whoo-hoo!
Benoit: You’re a sick man, King.
Announcers voice: The nominees for best Diva are: Sable, Ivory, Trish, and Torrie Wilson
Benoit: And the winner is:
Absolutely no reaction from the audience as Sable comes out..
Sable: Thank you for this award. I do deserve it cause I am so Sablicious. All the men want to be with me and all the women want to be with me. (To Benoit and Lawler) – how about you men? Do you want to have a sablicious good time?
Lawler: Puppies! (he falls to the ground, clutching his heart!) puppies! puppies!
Benoit grabs Sable and puts her in the crippler-crossface as the audience goes nuts. Security runs in and pulls Benoit off as Lawler continues to roll around on the floor, grasping his heart..
Lawler: Puppies! I want puppies!
Jericho: Well, Benoit! I guess that’s one way to leave an impression on a lady. But that was no lady. That was a nasty, skanky, sleezy, bottom-feeding, trashbag, ho!
Stephaine McMahon (from offstage): What?
Jericho: Not you Steph – the other nasty, skanky, sleazy, bottom-feeding trashbag ho!
Lawler and Sable are stretchered off stage as the show continues.
Jericho: And now, presenting the Slammy for Locker Room Leader is: Brother Love..
Brother Love comes out.
Love: I looooovvveee you! Yes, brothers and sisters. It’s me – here to talk about loooovvvvve! The looovvvve of men in a locker room – the loooovvvve of a man for his brothers and sisters that he provides leadership – he offers advice – he provides looovvvveeeee! He is a leader. And the slammy for providing the most loooovvveee as a locker room leader goes to:
Voice on speaker: The nominees are: Undertaker, Bill DeMott, Al Snow, Tommy Dreamer
Love: Yes! Yes! Thank you, brother announcer. The winner for the slammy of looovvee is: Brother Undertaker..
Undertaker comes out to deafening applause.
Taker: It’s all about respect. This is my yard, and if you want to make a name here..
Love: Brother Undertaker… Brother Undertaker..
Love: You talk about respect. You talk about looovveee! but what about respect for me. What about respect for Brother Love? I brought you into the WWE and I demand re…
Undertaker grabs Brother Love by the throat and chokeslams him off the stage. Then Taker walks off the stage as the audience goes nuts.
Jericho: Someone call the EMT’s. I guess that red-faced baboon found out all about the Undertaker’s love. Jackass! Here is another blast from the past – where do they find these dinosaurs – the Macho Man Randy Savage..
The Macho Man comes out!
Macho: Ooooohh – yeah! The macho man is back! Oooohhh – yeah! Got some nominees – gonna get a slammy – yeah! What it’s all about tonite – yeah! The nominees for Most Inspirationial Wrestler are … Oooohhhhhh – yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh! Dig it!
Voice of Announcer: Kurt Angle, Zach Gowen, Christian, Randy Orton, Stone Cold Steve Austin…
Savage: Feel the chill and savor the moment – yeah! The winner is, dig it, Steve Austin. Ooohhhh Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!
Here comes Stone Cold…
Austin: Most inspiratioial, huh?
Austin: I inspire!
Austin: I kick ass!
Austin: I run RAW!
Austin: And I drink beer!
Austin: I said I drink beer!
Austin: A lot of beer.
Austin: And I’m an inspiration?
Austin: A hero?
Austin: A role model?
Audience goes nuts…
Austin: And that’s the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so…
Macho Man: Oooooooooooohhhhhh – yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh! Dig it!
Jericho: That was truly a hallmark moment of inspiration by our general manager, not! I don’t know how much more of this journey into dweebdom I can take. I’ve got to go for a little bit now! My band Fozzy, the worlds greatest Rock and Roll band, will be playing in a little bit, and we have to get ready. Taking over in the announce position is, from WCW Nitro, your favorite announcer, but not mine, Tony Schiavone.
A/N – And that’s where it ended. Schiavone is fun to write sometimes, but apparently, he wasn’t fun enough to write back then to keep the show going. Maybe I should do an updated version of this? This one was from October, 2003 – almost nine years ago so it is a bit dated. Hmmmmm! What do you folks think? Thanks for reading this and all of my little stories. Much appreciated.