Countdown (Iron Sheik / Keith Olbermann Fan Fiction)

Originally posted on 3/01/12

Countdown With Keith Olbermann Talking About Egypt (Parody)

I wrote this last year not long after Keith Olbermann was fired from MSNBC, but before he returned to TV on his current show. I’m posting it in the wrestling section because I’m not sure where else to put it and since the legendary Iron Sheik is featured, it fits here as well as anywhere. I don’t own Keith, The Iron Sheik, Joan Rivers or anyone else used in this parody version of the show – all the people belong to themselves. Enjoy the story!

Countdown With Keith Olbermann

“This is Keith Olbermann. Let’s play Countdown! As you know, one of the biggest events going on in the world today is the large number of riots taking place in the nation of Egypt, where angry mobs, that remind me quite a bit of the racist, homophobic, bloody Teabagging rebellions of 2010, are demanding the resignation of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. While those so-called journalists, but we all know better, at Fake News will only give you facts and statistics, I’ve taken it upon myself to get to the real heart of the matter. And that’s the continued assaults on our liberties by so called journalists like Billo The Clown O’Reilly and The Evangelist, Glenn Back continually partake in. Now joining me to talk about the situation in Egypt and how Fake News is behind it all, are Jewish comedian and funny lady, Joan Rivers. Also, former WWF Champion and well-known humbler of men, who just happens to be a Muslim, The Iron Sheik. Joan and Sheik… Welcome.”

“Thank you, Mr. TV Announcer”, the Sheik replied. “Look at this body! Zoom, camera man, zoom!”

“Thank you, Keith, for having me”, Joan Rivers answered. “I wasn’t the first choice for a guest though. It was supposed to be Tom Cruise, but he couldn’t be here. He had a yeast infection.”

“Mr. Cruise had a yeast infection?”, Olbermann asked? “That doesn’t usually happen to men, unless they’re conservative nimrods like Hannity and Beck.”

“I will humble them! I will put them in the camel clutch and break their (expletive deleted) backs! And then I will humble them old school style by (expletive deleted) them!”, the Iron Sheik injected.

You know why he had the infection”, Joan continued. “Because he’s gay! Oh grow up, Tom Cruise is gay. His big fantasy is to have Brad Pitt as a proctologist. Can we talk here!”

“Let’s talk about Egypt and should President Mubarak step down as the ruler of that nation?”, Olbermann asked.

“I thought you stepped down from this show, Keith”, Joan asked. “Weren’t you fired?”

“I was forced out by the so-called conservative media, who were scared that I was going to expose their lies and hypocrisy to the world”, Keith explained.

“Wow! You paranoid, Mr. TV Announcer. Sheik World Champion and great American. Iran and Russia Number One. Egypt – patooey!”, comments the Iron Sheik before spitting on the floor.

“How dare you, Sir! How dare you?”, Olbermann said to the Sheik. “I hope you’re going to clean that up!”

“Don’t ask me to clean it up”, Rivers said. “I hate housework. You do the dishes, you make the beds, and six months later, you have to start all over again. But luckily, I’ve got a woman now to come in once a week. All she does it toss out the empties and sleep in the sink. Her name is Lou.”

“Lou Dobbs is just a flunky of Bill-O, the clown and Rupert Murdoch!”, Olbermann said. “And I truly believe that if they have their way, the world will suffer and go down in burning lakes of oil bought for and sold by the souls of the soldiers we’re sacrificing because George W. Bush wanted a war. Where are the weapons of mass destruction, sir? Where?”

“I heard a song about using sex as a weapon on the way over here”, Joan said. “But I don’t have a sex life. It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up who? But I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was the man goes on top and the woman goes on the bottom. For the first three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“I will say no more! I love racquetball!”, Sheik shouted.

“And now, continuing with our discussion, we’re joined by a person who has dressed up like an Egyptian many times, Steve Martin”, Olbermann scowled.

“I am…a wild and crazy guy!”, Steve said with a smirk.

“Steve… Steve, there you are! I was wondering what happened to you”, Joan said. “You never write… you never called. You told me that you’d call and I waited by the phone, day and night. I lost 25 pounds. I couldn’t eat. I was sure that if I took a bite, the phone would ring and I’d have my mouth full.”

“Joanie, dear… you’re still alive? I thought you died years ago. Or was that just your career?”, Steve shot back.

“Like you’re doing all that well, Steve”, Joan remarked. “I have a documentary out. I have a reality show with my daughter, Melissa. What have you done lately?”

“Well, I had an banana split last night”, Steve replied thoughtfully.

“I take Blair and break his back! (Expletive deleted) Hulk Hogan scared of Sheik. (Expletive deleted) Phtooey!”, Sheik spat out.

“Steve, you’re an expert on Egyptian affairs. How many times have you sang your song, King Tut”, Olbermann asked.

“It went gold and my cat embezzled all the money from the album”, Martin said. “He would go out to the mailbox, get the checks when they came in, go down to the bank with a little arrow in his head, and cash them. He bought two-hundred thousand dollars worth of cat toys. And I can’t return them because they have spit all over them. I mean, sure they’re fun, but really?”

“I had toys when I was a child”, Joan interjected. “My parents used to give me radios and toasters to play with when I was in the bath tub.”

“Our lives are just toys to those in the right-wing media and the conversatives in our government”, Olbermann blasted. “The Republicans and Teabaggers are playing with yout lives! Where is the shame? Where is the shame?”

“Iron Shiek number one wrestler. Number one American!”, Iron Sheik ranted. “Hulk Hogan, Brian Blair will be humbled. Iron Sheik will (expletive deleted) your (expletive deleted).”

“And with that, we’re out of time”, Olbermann interrupted once more. “I want to thank my guests, Joan Rivers, The Iron Sheik and Steve Martin for helping to clarify the situation in Egypt and helping me to show the world that unlike the right-wing idealogues at Faux News, we truly seek to inform, teach, and educate. I’m Keith Olbermann. Good night and good luck!… What? OK, my producers, who are obviously idiots, tell me we have three more minutes to fill before the break. So let’s bring in a special guest. Rachel, are you there?”

“Hi Keith”, Rachel Maddow answered back. “So how did you get in the building? I thought you were banned!”

“I snuck in”, Keith replied. “I told the security guards that I was President Obama’s new advisor.”

“And they believed you?”, Rachel asked.

“Of course! I never lie”, Olbermann spat out. “And if I do happen to make a mistake, it’s all the fault of Faux News and the misinformation they’re feeding the world!”

“Right you are, Keith”, Rachel smiled. “So let’s preview my show and what’s coming up on MSNBC.”

“Does everyone miss me?”, Keith asked.

“Of course we do”, Rachel smirked. “You’re our mentor. Our friend. Our inspiration. Our reason for living. We all want to be just like you!”

“Come on now, Rachel. You’re just saying that because it’s all true!”, Keith blushed.

“No, I’m just saying that because you’ll whine and cry like a little bitch if we don’t kiss your pasty white ass!”, Rachel said bluntly.

“Well, there’s that too”, Keith admitted. “So what’s on your show tonight?”

“Surprise! I have an exclusive interview with some guy about some stuff that someone somewhere might care about!”, Rachel said happily.

“Good deal”, Keith replied. “We’ll be sure to watch. And as for me, this is Countdown and I’m Keith Olbermann. I have to get out of the building now before they have me arrested for trespassing. Good night… and good luck!”


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