Hollywood Fights (A WWE Fiction Event)
(Originally written on July 27, 2011)
Vince McMahon was sitting in his office at Titan Towers, talking to his daughter Stephanie.
“We need to come up with something different. Something exciting. Something so over the top that it’s the biggest, must see event ever”, Vince was saying.
“Like Wrestlemania?”, Steph asked.
“Like Wrestlemania, but totally different”, Vince said. “I don’t want us to compete against ourselves, but I want something we can put out there and create an extravaganza beyond reproach.”
“Well, I have an idea”, Steph said.
“Is it a good idea or a stupid idea?”, Vince asked.
“Well, that depends on your point of view”, Steph said. “It’s just the first thing that came into my mind so if you don’t like it, it’s okay.”
“Let’s hear it”, Vince said.
“Well, I was watching the tv at the motel last night and came across… remember those celebrity boxes matches that were so big a few years ago?”, Steph asked.
“Yeah, what about it?”, Vince asked. “They sucked!”
“Well, how about Celebrity Wrestling? We could put together a card of six to eight matches consisting of celebrities wrestling each other. Mix in a few WWE Superstars to act as managers and trainers for the celebrities and make a whole show out of it”, Steph said.
“Hmmmmmm”, Vince said as he leaned back in his chair and thought for a few minutes. “That is actually a good idea. I like it!”
“Do you want me to draw up a presentation for the Board. I can get Michael Hayes and a few others to help me expand on this idea and try to flesh it out a bit”, Steph said.
“No”, Vince said. “Let’s do this apart from the regular writers and creative teams. I’ll call up Kevin Nash. He’s got booking experience and a good mind for this kind of thing, plus he’s been complaining about how we’re not using him that much. I’ll let Kevin handle everything and you and the creative teams can step in and help him if he needs it.”
“Do you want to do this as a regular tv special event or arrange for a pay per view show?”, Steph asked.
“Pay per view, of course”, Vince said. “Make me up a list of celebrities that you think may be interested in being a part of something like this. I’ve have Kevin do the same and after we discuss some of the logistics, we can start working on contacting people and putting together an event.”
“Any idea on what to call it?”, Steph asked.
“How about “Hollywood Fights?”, Vince said.
“Works for me”, Steph said.
“Subject to change, of course”, Vince smiled.
“Of course”, Steph laughed.
“Anyhow, that’s a great idea”, Vince said. “I’ll contact Kevin tonight and we can talk more about this later on in the week.”
“Great”, Steph smiled. “I’ll get that list to you later this week. Is there anything else for now?”
“No, I don’t think so”, Vince said.
“I’ve got to go meet Hunter for dinner”, Steph said as she got up from her seat. “I’ll see you later, Daddy.”
“Take care, Princess”, Vince said as he stood up and gave his daughter a kiss. “Tell Hunter to call me.”
“I will, Daddy”, Steph said as she walked out of the office.
“Now, what did I do with Kevin’s phone number”, Vince said as he picked up the phone. “I can’t wait to hear what he thinks of this idea.”
A few days later, it was all arranged. Kevin Nash had agreed to act as the booker for the event. Vince, Stephanie and Kevin reached out to Hollywood and a card was put together. A date was set and special classes were set up, under the supervision of Trish Stratus, Bill DeMott, Booker T, Arn Anderson and Rick Steamboat to give all of the participants a crash course in the art of professional wrestling.
“So what do you really think about this show, Kevin”, Vince asked Kevin Nash as they met in his office.
“Well, it’s either going to be a major spectacular”, Kevin said. “Or a big time train wreck.”
“But do you think it will attract attention and get a big buyrate?”, Vince asked.
“Without a doubt”, Kevin laughed. “And some major names taking part in the show. It’s going to be big!”
“I hope so”, Vince said.
“Trust me”, Kevin smiled. “The entire world will be taking about this show.”
“That’s what I’m worried about”, Vince said.
“Trust me, Vince”, Kevin smiled. “Trust me!”
“Famous last words”, Vince laughed.
And so Nash to work and used his Hollywood contacts (and the lure of big WWE money and publicity) to attract several top Hollywood names. A date for the event was set and an arena was secured. A night for the pay-per-view broadcast was lined up and Kevin Nash and Vince McMahon were happy men because history was about to be made…
Hollywood Fights – Recap Of The Event…
Jim Ross, Kevin Nash and Matt Striker are at the announce table and welcome everyone to the show. Ross informs the fans that they are not dreaming and that tonight, several of their favorite celebrities will get it on in the ring tonight. Nash tells the fans that it’s not the Hollywood Nights anymore. It’s the Hollywood Fights. Striker just wants to know what the hell he’s doing there.
We hear glass crashing and here comes Stone Cold Steve Austin to the ring. Austin gets the mic and tells everyone that he’s in charge tonight and what Stone Cold says goes. The WWE has reached out to several celebrities and given them a forum to come here to Los Angeles and settle their differences. And if anyone has a problem with that, they’d better tell him now.
Really bad rap music fills the arena and here comes Kevin Federline to the ring. He’s back in the WWE because he heard that someone has a problem with him. Federline reminds everyone that in his last appearance with the WWE, he pinned John Cena. And he’s back now. He got rid of the baggage (Britney) and he’s ready to take care of business. So if anyone has a problem, come out now. And the sounds of “Ice Ice Baby” fills the arena. It’s Robbie Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice. Ice comes to the ring. And he lays a verbal beatdown on Federline. Federline can’t dress. He can’t rap. People might have thought Vanilla Ice was a joke at one time, but Ice has proven himself. Ice calls Federline the biggest joke of all time. A shoving match ensues between the two and Stone Cold breaks it up. Austin calls them both wimps and says that if they want to settle any differences, they can do it later in the night in a Street Fight. Vanilla Ice and K-Fed both agree and do a little more shoving before leaving the ring.
We go to Ross, Nash and Striker again. Later tonight, it’s a street fight with Vanilla Ice taking on Kevin Federline. Also coming up later is tag team turmoil as rock legends and former members of Van Halen, Sammy Hagar & Michael Anthony will take on The Van Halen Brothers, Eddie & Alex. And David Lee Roth will be the special guest referee. In a battle of Disney Divas, Miley Cyrus will take on the star of Wizards of Waverly Place, Selena Gomez. Plus so much more. But now, let’s go to the ring for six man tag action. It’s the guys from Jackass taking on the guys from World’s Dumbest Presents.
Johnny Knoxville, Steve O & Bam Margera (Jackass) versus Danny Bonaduce, Leif Garrett & Todd Bridges (World’s Dumbest Presents)
Steve O locks up with Bonaduce to start. Danny with punches and slams and a”Shades of Keith Partridge” suplex for Steve O, who manages to tag out to Knoxville. Knoxville goes all Dukes of Hazard on Danny’s head but Danny escapes and tags out to Leif. Leif with a dropkick to Knoxville and then a dropkick to Margera for good measure. Margera is in and starts throwing Ninja chops to Leif’s head. Leif is biting Margera and flees to the corner to tag in Bridges. Todd Bridges is on fire and mails Bam with a some “whatchu talking about, Willis”, clubbering. Knoxville and Steve O are in and this brings back in Bonaduce and Leif. It’s OINGO BOINGO time as all six men are brawling in the ring. Steve O manages to take Leif to the floor with an “I’m Steve O and this is called kicking the former teen idol’s ass” manuever. Bonaduce takes down Knoxville with a “Breaking Bonaduce” powerbomb. The referee is distracted and trying to clear Bonaduce and Knoxville out of the ring. Bridges has Margera in the air and ready for a suplex. Wee Man is out and in the ring and he dives at Bridges from behind, clipping the legs of the former “Different Strokes” star. Todd collapses and Bam Margera is on top. Wee Man flees the ring as the ref gets into position and counts three for the pin.
Winners: The Guys From Jackass (Johnny Knoxville, Bam Mangera & Steve O)
We go to a special interview area where former WWE Diva (and wannabe actress) Stacy Keibler is standing by with TV Legend Betty White. White is excited to be here and breaks out with some jokes about how she was at the first Hollywood FIghts, but it was in Ancient Rome. And here is another TV legend, Vickie Lawrence. Vickie gets in Betty’s face and complains that ever since that damn Snickers commercial and that appearance on Saturday Night Live, all everyone cares about is Betty White this and Betty White that. Vickie complains that every role she auditions for, they want her to act “more like Betty White” and she’s sick of it. Betty calls Vickie a “jealous bitch” and slaps her hard across the face. Vickie goes after Betty. CATFIGHT! WWE officials come running in and break up the two grappling grannies. We go to the ring for the next match.
Tonya Harding versus Snooki
Snooki starts off by talking trash and getting face to chest with Tonya. Tonya shoves Snooki away and delivers a knee to the gut before stomping and kicking away. Snooki grabs the foot and flips Tonya away from her. Thesz press by Snooki and she’s pounding away at Harding. Choke by Snooki and the referee pulls her away just before the count of five. Snooki stays on the attack, but Tonya starts to fight back with punches and kicks. Slam by Tonya for two, but Snooki slides out before the three count. Tonya stays on the attack and pushes Snooki into the corner before delivering some “Shades of Ric Flair” chops to Snooki’s chest. The referee pulls Tonya out of the corner and Snooki is struggling to recover. Slam by Tonya and she climbs to the top rope. Tonya dives, but Snooki moves out of the way and Tonya crash and burns. Snooki grabs Tonya and throws her outside the ring to the floor. There’s a disturbance as Tonya’s “World’s Dumbest” co-star, Danny Bonaduce is back out on the ramp. He has a microphone and starts singing “Come On – Get Happy”, a hit from his days as part of the Partridge Family. Snooki is distracted by the spectacle. Tonya goes reaching under the ring and pulls out a metal pipe. Snooki, finally ignoring the distraction goes to reach outside the ring and pull Tonya back into the ring. Tonya uses the metal pipe and swings it hard, popping Snooki in the knee with the pipe. Snooki is down. Tonya throws the pipe back under the ring and climbs back into the ring. She goes over to where Snooki is down and holding her knee. Tonya grabs the leg and it’s figure-four leglock time. Snooki screams in pain and finally taps out as the referee calls for the bell.
Winner: Tonya Harding
We go now to a video package highlighting the long history between the participants of the next match. Van Halen hits big with David Lee Roth. They fire Roth and hire Hagar. Hagar quits and they bring back Roth, but end up firing him again. Michael Anthony is fired, but he and Hagar both come back for a tour. Hagar and Anthony leave Van Halen. Roth is rehired as the lead singer and Wolfgang Van Halen replaces Anthony as the bassist for the group.
Tag Team Turmoil – Special Guest Referee: David Lee Roth
Sammy Hagar & Michael Anthony versus Eddie & Alex Van Halen w/ Wolfgang Van Halen
Before referee David Lee Roth can start the match, Hagar and Anthony are complaining about Wolfgang being at ringside. Hagar waves to the back and here comes singer Gary Cherone, who also once did a stint as singer for the Van Halen band. Hagar has a set of handcuffs and is demanding that Wolfgang be handcuffed to Cherone to prevent interference. The Van Halen brothers are disagreeing, but we hear the sound of glass shattering and here is “Stone Cold” Steve Austin on the Titantron. He says that Wolfgang and Cherone will be handcuffed at ringside and that everyone better “Jump” to it or they’ll wish they were in “Panama” when Stone Cold goes “Poundcake” all over their sorry asses. And that’s the “Best of Both Worlds” cause Stone Cold just said so. Roth handcuffs Cherone and Wolfgang together at ringside and calls for the bell.
Anthony immediately takes Eddie down with a “Hot For Teacher” sumo slam and gets a two count before Alex breaks it up. Slam by Anthony and Sammy Hagar tags in with punches and kicks. Eddie fights back with a rip at the eyes and clotheslines. Alex tags in and it’s some Van Halen doubeteaming as they work over Hagar in the corner. The “Red Rocker” lets out a high pitched scream and punches his way free before tagging Anthony back in. Anthony with slams and suplexes for both of the Van Halen boys, but he’s tripped up from the outside by Wolfgang who reaches in and grabs his foot before Cherone can yank him away.
Alex pounds away at Anthony and slams him hard before tagging back in Eddie Van Halen. Eddie with a hard “Runnng With The Devil” suplex on Anthony for a two count. Legdrop by Eddie, but instead of covering, he heads outside the ring and grabs a guitar that’s been leaning against the announce table. He plays a quick, but easily recognizable lick from “Right Now” before heading back into the ring to go back after Anthony. Anthony catches him as he gets back in the ring with a jawbreaker and a slam. Hagar is tagged in. Alex comes running in as well as we get some “Running With The Devil” action as all four men are fighting and Roth is struggling to regain control. The action is so hot, even the “Ice Cream Man” can’t cool things down. Finally, Hagar manages to catch Alex with the “I Can’t Drive 55” death valley driver and scores the win as Roth drops down and makes a “Coconut Grove” three count.
Winners: Sammy Hagar & Michael Anthony
As WWE personal clean up the ring, we go backstage where Stacy Keibler is with country music superstar Toby Keith. Toby is here for a reason. He asks that a video be played and we see Kanye West interupting singer Taylor Swift at the Video Music Awards last year. Toby says that Kanye had no problem stepping on the toes of a little girl, but why not try it with a grown man. Taylor might have forgiven Kanye for his insult, but Toby thinks that Kanye disrespected all of country music with his actions and for that, he needs a good old fashioned country ass-kicking. Toby is headed to the ring and if Kanye is such a big, bad dude, why doesn’t he come to the ring and interrupt him. Toby walks off and heads to the ring to call Kanye out. It doesn’t take long as seconds later, here comes Kanye West to the ring. We’ve got a referee who calls for the bell. We’ve got a match.
Toby Keith versus Kanye West
Pure and simple, just a total brawl for all as both men pound the living crap out of each other. Toby with a clothesline and a suplex. Jackhammer by Toby for the easy pin.
Winner: Toby Keith
And now, we go to another video package showing highlights of the careers of both Betty White and Vickie Lawrence. Ring announcer Howard Finkel is in the ring and makes the introductions as we go to our next match.
Betty White versus Vickie Lawrence
The women charge each other and Vickie quickly uses her huge chest advantage to knock Betty to the mat. Vickie jumps on Betty and the two are rollling around on the mat. Striker yells “Catfight” at the announe position and Nash says that it’s only true if the cats are sabre tooth tigers, ancient and presumed extinct. They roll to the outside of the ring and Vickie slams Betty into the ringpost. Vickie starts removing the moniters from the announce table and goes over to pick her up in a “The Nights The Lights Went Out In GA” power-bomb. Both women go through the table, giving Jim Ross a chance to scream out, “Oh my God! They’ve been broken in half!” Both women are down. Here come officials and medical personal down to ringside to check on both women. Also coming down are long time Lawrence friend Tim Conway, as well as former “The Price Is Right” host and long time family friend of Betty White, Bob Barker. As officials attend to White and Lawrence, Barker and Conway exchange words and start shoving each other. White and Lawrence are both up too and the shoving between the two women is still going on as well. The referee has long reached the ten count and both women have been counted out, thus ending the match.
No Contest – Double Count Out
Here comes Stone Cold Steve Austin on the rampway. If the guys want to get involved, then so be it. The match is restarted and it’s now a tag team event. And that’s the bottom line cause he just said so.
Betty White & Bob Barker versus Vickie Lawrence & Tim Conway
Barker and Conway are going at it, exchanging blows. Conway ducks and scores with a slow motion “old man” clothesline of his own, but Barker doesn’t go down. He just responds with some chops and punches of his own. Vickie Lawrence reaches in from the outside and stabs Barker with a hair pin she had hidden in her wig. Lawrence in and she bounces into Barker, knocking him to the mat. Legdrop by Lawrence and another two count. Barker kicks out and delivers an atomic drop to Lawrence before tagging out to White who nails Lawrence with a dropkick. A hard kick to Conway on the outside and Betty goes back after Lawrence raking at her face with the patented “Sue Ann Nivens” bitch-slap. Betty is like a woman possessed and slams Lawrence into her own corner where she tags out to Conway. Tim in and he’s trying to talk to White and calm her down. White appears to be calming down and smiles at Conway, but then blasts him with a “Golden Girl” kick in the “Carol Burnette’s”. A tag to Barker who comes back in and delivers the “Showcase Showdown” powerbomb. Cover and pin as the ref counts three.
Winners: Bob Barker & Betty White
We go now to a video package highlighting the career of actor Ashton Kutcher. We come back from the video and Kutcher is in the ring with Matt Striker for an interview. Kutcher talks about his career and being on “That 70’s Show” and “Punked”. Striker brings up that Ashton will be taking over “Two And A Half Men” from Charlie Sheen who was fired from the show. Ashton starts to explain and here comes Charlie Sheen running from the back. He goes after Ashton with a spear and just starts pounding away at the younger actor. Ashton tries to fight back, but Charlie kicks him with a low blow and then goes for a chair. Sheen slams the chair over Ashton’s back and Kutcher is down. Sheen smiles before kneeling down and biting Ashton’s forehead. “Shades of Abdullah the Butcher and Liza Minelli” bite, scratch and claw. As Ashton passes out, Sheen grabs the mic, stands over the fallen Kutcher and looks down on him for a moment before saying one word. “Winning!” Sheen leaves the ring and heads to the back as WWE Officials come down to the ring to help Kutcher.
We go back to Ross, Nash and Striker who recap the craziness that just happened moments ago. We cut backstage and see Sheen running out the back door and hopping into a waiting limo that speeds off. As Sheen’s limo leaves, we see another limo pull up outside the arena. A driver gets out and opens the door. It’s Donald Trump. We head back to the ring for the next match.
Disney Diva Death Match
Miley Cyrus versus Selena Gomez
It’s the battle of The Mouse as two of Disney’s top teen stars face off. Miley takes an early advantage by ripping at the face of Selena and slamming her hard to the mat. Legdrop for two. Selena fights back, using the brawling fighting skills she learned on the tough streets of Wavely Place and catches Miley with a knee to the guts and some hard punches. Selena breaks a nail and she’s distracted. Miley with the comeback as she tries to “Party In The USA” on Selena’s face. Miley whips Selena into the corner and Selena flps upside down. She’s tied in the “tree of woe” as Miley delivers a baseball slide dropkick. Miley picks up Selena for a slam, but Selena holds on and rolls up Miley for an “Everything Is Not What It Seems” small package. Miley kicks out at two, but she’s stunned and disoriented. Selena with a chick-kick that has Miley seeing “The Best of Both Worlds” as she falls to the mat. Selena covers for the pin.
Winner: Selena Gomez
Music hits Donald Trump comes to the ring. He’s going to make this short and sweet. There is only room for one billionaire around here and he’s calling out Vince McMahon. Vine power struts to the ring. He’s happy to see his old friend, but Donald needs to watch his mouth because there is no chance in hell that Vince is going to let him get away with coming out there on Vince’s show and try to embarrass him. Donald listens to Vince’s rant and say that Vince is just a wanna-be Donald Trump and if Donald was in charge of the WWE, he would have two words for Vince. “You’re fi…”. Vince cuts him off before Trump can say his catch-phrase. If Donald wants a fight, Vince will give him a fight right now. Donald says that he’s a gentleman and a business man and he’s not here to dirty his hands. He’s got someone to come out and do it for him. Donald waves to the back and here comes from the A-Team, Mr. T, along with Tiny Lester, who wrestled in the WWF as Zeus. Vince is backed up into a corner by the two men and Kevin Nash gets up from the announce table and climbs into the ring. If Zeus and Mr. T want to fight someone, how about someone their own size. Trump calls his guys back and reevaluates the situation. He, along with Mr. T and Zeus are three and Vince and Nash are only two, so let’s fight.
And music hits. “Can you smell what the Rock is cooking!”. Here comes Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to the ring. He gets the mic and addresses Trump and his cronies. It’s true that Vince is an asshole sometimes. And it’s true that Vince is an arrogant, two-faced, piece of monkey-crap, but Vince has always done right by the Rock and despite his faults, of which there are many, Vince is The Rock’s friend. So if they want to jump on Vince, they have to jump on “the great one” too. And then Rock looks at Trump and threatens to “take that cheap toupee, shine it up really nice while Trump sucks on a monkey nipple, turn that sunuvabitch sideways and shove it straight up Trump’s candy-ass!” A referee comes to the ring and after briefly speaking with both Vince and Trump, it looks as if we have a match.
Mr. T & Tiny (Zeus) Lester w/ Donald Trump versus Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson & Kevin Nash w/ Mr. McMahon
Nash and Zeus lock up and each tries to power for the advantage. Zeus with a slam. Nash comes back up slowly, but smiling. Nash pushes Zeus back into the corner and delivers the elbows. A slam by Nash and Zeus tags out to Mr. T who is throwing punches and kicks. T with the slam and a cover, but Nash kicks out at one. Nash tags out to Rock who starts throwing the punches and laying the smacketh down on T’s candy ass. Spinebuster by the Rock and he gets a two as T manages to get a foot on the rope. T flees to the floor and goes back over to where Trump and Zeus are waiting so they can speak and regroup. Rock panders to the fans and soaks in the cheers as he and Nash celebrate in the ring. Mr. T is back in the ring and he wants to fight. Rock and T exchange punches and T starts to get the advantage. Rock backs away and plants kick in T’s gut. Slam by The Rock and a tag to Nash. Kevin in and he takes over by leveling T with a big kick. Nash gets up for a power-bomb, but Trump is up on the ring apron for the distraction. Vince comes over and pulls Trump down – we get a billionaire shoving match on the floor. Nash is distracted and gets knocked down by Zeus who has tagged himself in. Zeus with slam on Kevin and he signals that it’s over. Zeus goes for powerbomb, but Nash blocks and scores with powerbomb of his own. A tag to the Rock. Here comes T into the ring and Nash flies at him with a clothesline that takes both men to the floor. Rock picks up Zeus and hits the Rock Bottom. People’s Elbow time. And Rock covers for the pin and win.
Winners: Kevin Nash & Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson w/ Mr. McMahon
And we go now to a video highlighting the previous visits to the WWE by Kevin Federline, as well as the confrontation earlier tonight by Vanilla Ice. And we go now to the ring for the main event.
K-Fed (Kevin Federline) versus Vanilla Ice (Rob Van Winkle)
Back and forth action as both men try to brawl to an advantage. K-Fed with the slam and cover for two. Ice kicks out and throws some uppercut forearms, backing K-Fed into the corner. Chops by Ice. K-Fed flees to floor, but Ice follows. Ice charges and K-Fed moves, causing Ice to nail the ringpost. Slam on the floor by K-Fed for Ice and Kevin has the advantage as he rolls Ice back into the ring and locks in a chinlock from behind. Ice fights up and throws the elbows to escape and comes back with a backbreaker for two. Kicks by Ice and a neckbreaker for another two as K-Fed barely manages to get a shoulder up. Ice with more punches and a clothesline. A slam and Ice gets another two as K-Fed is too close to the ropes and gets a foot across the bottom rope.
Ice pulls up K-Fed again and takes him to the corner to work him over. Kicks and punches by Ice and a whip across the ring. Ice charges, but at the last second, Federline drops down and moves out of the way. Ice slams into the corner and is stunned. K-Fed with the neckbreaker and a cover for two. K-Fed begins to stomp and kick away at Ice and goes for a piledriver, but the ref stops him and warns Fed that piledrivers are not allowed in WWE and he’ll be DQ’ed if he uses the hold. K-Fed swears at the ref and shoves him away, but Ice manages to power up and sends Kevin to the mat with a backdrop. Both men are down and the ref is counting. Both men manage to get to their feet before the ten count and the match resumes. Ice goes to whip Federline into the corner, but K-Fed reverses and slams Ice into the referee. The ref falls from the ring and Ice is down. K-Fed goes over and grabs Ice. He sets him up and delivers a piledriver. And here comes John Cena up the ramp and into the ring. He grabs K-Fed and slams him to the mat. Five knuckle-shuffle time and Cena plants K-Fed with the F.U. Cena goes and pulls Ice over, placing him on top of the stunned Federline. Then Cena goes out and gets the referee, pushing him back into the ring. The ref crawls over to where Vanilla Ice is laid out on top of Federline and counts three. Vanilla Ice wins.
Winner: Vanilla Ice
We now cut to Jim Ross and Matt Striker at ringside who tell us that we’re out of time. Thanks for watching and be sure to go to for behind the scenes information and updates. Ross & Striker start singing “Hooray For Hollywood” to end the show as the screen fades to black.