Saturday, July 23, 2011
Blackjack’s BBQ: Interview with CM Punk (FIction)
In a small TV studio in Florida, a make-shift interview area has been set up with a couch, a desk, some fence posts and a live cow grazing in a small stable.
Wrestling Icon Ted DiBiase spoke into a microphone and did the introductions…
“This is Ted DiBiase, The Million Dollar Man and we all know that everyone has a price. Well, everyone except this man. He’s the big, bag, tough as nails Texan from Eagle Pass, TX. This is his show, Blackjack’s BBQ. Give a big welcome to Blackjack Mulligan.”
Blackjack Mulligan came out in front of the live studio audience to thunderous applause. He went over and gave DiBiase a hug before taking his seat at the desk.
“Well, go get Grandma from the kitchen and bring the kids inside and set ’em up close to the TV set”, Blackjack started talking. “This is my show, Blackjack’s BBQ and my name is Blackjack Mulligan. Now before I tell you who we managed to rustle up for the show tonight, let me bring out my son and my grandson. They’re gonna sit right there on the end of that couch and make sure that everybody minds their p’s and q’s. Give it up for my son, Barry Windham and my grandson, WWE superstar and a member of the Nexus, this is Husky Harris.
Windham and Harris walked out, dressed in jeans and t-shirts and took their seats on a couple of stools positioned behind Mulligan.
“Hey Husky, why ain’t I been seeing you lately on the TV on Monday nights?”, Blackjack asked.
“You know how they are, Grandpa”, Husky said. “Something about repackaging and nothing for me at RAW.”
“Tells you rght there how stupid things have become in the rasslin’ world these days”, Mulligan said. “Wait a minute. I almost forgot that is isn’t wrestling any more. Now it’s something called sports-entertainment. Well, that sports-entertainment garbage is why the ratings are down and people are walking away in droves.”
“But that’s what Vince wants”, Husky remarked.
“And that’s why you’re sitting on my couch at the ranch eating Grandma’s cookin’ and helping with the chores instead of traveling around the world and kicking that boy, Cena’s butt every week. You’re a third generation superstar. Your Daddy is Mike Rotundo. Your Uncles are Barry and Kendall Windham. I’m your Grandpa, for goodness sakes. And Vince wants to repackage you? I always thought that boy got kicked in the head a few times as a kid but now I’m sure of it. Do you want me to send your Grandma up to New York to talk to Vince?”
“Nah, I don’t think that’ll be necessary”, Husky laughed.
“She’d probably just get arrested again anyhow”, Mulligan agreed. “Like she did that time she thought Bischoff was trying to screw over Kendall in Atlanta.”
“You should tell that story, Grandpa”, Husky said.
“No, you shouldn’t”, Barry Windham interjected. “Ma nearly caused me to get fired because of that stunt. And she scared that luchadore so bad, he went back to Mexico that night and hasn’t been back in the states since.”
“Maybe I’ll tell it in the future sometime”, Mulligan laughed. “But now we got to get down to business. And my guest is waiting backstage. The fact that he isn’t using Husky to his full potential tells you that Vince probably drank a little too much of Granny Mulligan’s shine back in the late seventies when he used to travel with me and Lanza. And if that wasn’t bad enough, because of Vince and his shenanigans, the current WWE Champion isn’t even under contract to the WWE right now. Let’s bring out my guest and welcome to the BBQ, this is CM Punk!”
Out comes CM Punk, wearing the WWE Championship Belt to massive applause from the studio audience. Punk goes over and hugs Husky, whispering in his ear. Both men grin as Punk comes and sits down on the couch next to Blackjack’s desk.
“So here you are… the WWE Champion”, Blackjack said. “And you’re not even a part of the WWE right now.”
“That’s right”, Punk smiled. “I beat John Cena at the Money In The Bank pay per view, which just happened to be my last night with the WWE, and walked out of Chicago with this title as the WWE Champion.”
“And turned the entire wrestling world… not the just the WWE upside down at the same time”, Blackjack added.
“Exactly”, Punk smiled. “It had to be done. As you noted in your opening remarks, professional wrestling isn’t wrestling anymore. People like Vince and the WWE and even TNA depend on writers and stupid ideas and storylines. What about the people who get into that ring and perform… who wrestle. I’m not a great entertainer and I readily admit that. I’m not good at ass-kissing either and that’s why the establishment in the WWE, Vince and his stupid daughter and the son-in-law and Johnny Ace and all those others wanted me to fail. But it didn’t happen because I could talk and I was… I am the best wrestler in the world today. And the fact that I carried this title with me when I left the WWE proves that.”
“Best in the world?”, Mulligan said. “That might be arguable, but I’ve watched a lot of your matches and heard you talk and I have to admit that I was mighty impressed. And that’s not easy to do.”
“What? Impress you?”, Punk asked.
“That’s just what I said”, Mulligan said. “I’ve been in this business a long time and I’ve seen ’em come and seen ’em go and everyone says that they’re the best. You had a good… no, I’ll give you credit where it’s due… a great match with that boy, Cena. And you are the WWE Champion. And that is impressive.”
“I know”, Punk smiled.
“But does that make you the very best? I can think of a lot of people who might argue with that”, Mulligan finshed.
“I’m not taking away what anyone else accomplished”, Punk said. “In their prime, there are some wrestlers like Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Harley Race, Shawn Michaels, yuor son, Barry Windham who’s sitting behind me, and even yourself who can stand up and say that for their time, their era… they were among the very best wrestlers in the world. And now, this is my time. I’ve turned the entire wrestling world… not just the WWE, on it’s end. And this is just the beginning.”
“Just the beginning of a new revolution”, Punk smiled. “I want to make things happen. I want the wrestlers that the fans actually want to see get the TV time and not the one’s who only get shoved down our throats by Vince and his writers. I want people who have wrestling skills to be the stars and not just the people who are skilled at kissing Vince’s ass or Dixie’s ass or whoever happens to be in charge at any given moment.”
“I sure can’t fault you for that”, Mulligan agreed. “Back in my day, and I admit it’s been a while, but everyone went out and it didn’t matter if you weren’t the prettiest body or the best talker, although that helped. But what mattered is what you could do in that ring and how well you could put butts in the seats and draw a crowd. And so many of these so-called top stars can’t draw flies to a pile of crap.”
“And that’s the way it should be”, Punk said. “But the WWE doesn’t agree with you and me. They had Colt Cabana under contract. Do you know Colt?”
“I’ve heard of him. Husky made me watch some of his matches on the computer. He does stand-up comedy too. A funny guy”
“That’s what I mean. Colt is a fantastic wrestler and can go in that ring. Plus he’s a great talker and personality too. With just the slightest push from the company, he’s money. But those idiots in WWE saw Colt and stuck a dumb-ass name on him. Scotty Goldman. And then wouldn’t let him wrestle on TV. They wouldn’t let him talk except for that scripted garbage they like their wrestlers to use so they’ll all sound exactly alike. And then, when Colt wasn’t getting over with the fans like they thought he should, they said that they didn’t have anything for him and let him go. And they did the same thing with Luke Gallows. He was starting to get some attention from the fans, but someone in management decided that he would never be a star and he was terminated for the same reasons. Luke Gallows and Colt Cabana can out perform and out wrestle 90% of the WWE roster. And that’s not slamming the guys on the roster. It’s just that they are that good but the idiots in creative have their heads too far up Stephanie and Vince’s ass to see that for themselves.”
“That’s the problem with these so-called creative teams”, Blackjack said. “They might know about writing soap operas or tv shows, but they’ve never been in the ring. They don’t know anything about the business so how can they know what works and what doesn’t?”
“They don’t”, Punk says. “And then you have Vince, who’s been in this business his entire life and should know better, listening and following those clowns’s direction instead of listening to the people who matter like the fans who spend their money day in and day out and the wrestlers who have to go out there night after night and entertain these fans.”
“It’s crazy”, Mulligan agreed. “If they want to use writers, stick them in the movie making part of the company or something. But so far as the wrestling and direction of the company goes, find a good booker who knows how to put on a show, stick ’em in charge and let the fans and wrestlers have imput and business will prosper. I guarentee it! So you’re the WWE Champion now. Have you been in talks with the company about going back?”
“I’ve spoken to some WWE officials”, Punk smiled. “I spoke to Triple H a few days ago at the Comic-Con convention. Well, not really so much spoke as I kind of interrupted their presentation and made a bit of a scene.”
“That had to go over really well”, Blackjack commented.
“Well, Hunter was trying to be professional and kept telling me that I need to call him and meet him in Stamford. Hey, I’m the WWE Champion. I don’t have to do anything. They can call me and come to me if they want to talk. And I also had to get in Rey Mysterio’s face. He and The Miz are scheduled to wrestle on RAW Monday night to determine a new WWE Champion. They don’t need a new WWE Champion. I’ve got the title right here, thank you.”
“Well, let’s take a break right here so we can pay some bills”, Blackjack said. “Are you gonna stick around for the second half of the show?”
“I’m not going anywhere”, Punk said.
“We’ll be right back with more of Blackjack’s BBQ in just a few minutes”, Blackjack said as the cameras go off and it’s commercial time.
Commercial: This is Irwin R. Shyster reminding you to pay your taxes… unless you want I.R.S. to come after you!
And now, back to the show and Blackjack’s BBQ…
“Well, this is Blackjack Mulligan and welcome to Blackjack’s BBQ”, Mulligan said. “I’m talking to the current WWE Champion, who doesn’t even rassle’ for the WWE anymore, CM Punk. Now, I’ve got to ask you about something, Punk.”
“Shoot”, Punk said.
“As everyone is well aware, my grandson, Husky Harris, was teamed up with you as part of The Nexus in the WWE. And since you guys all traveled together, you and him got to know each other pretty well.”
“Husky is a great guy and a heck of a talent”, Punk said. “And he’s another example of how screwed up WWE has become. Just because he doesn’t have the refined, chiseled look that Kevin Dunn and Vince like, he was sent home and back here to Florida. It doesn’t matter that he’s a damn good talent in that ring. It doens’t matter that he and Joe Hennig… I hate that stupid Michael McGillicutty name. He’s Curt Hennig’s son. Let him be Curt Hennig’s son. But it doesn’t matter that Husky and Hennig were becoming a great team and getting over with the crowds. He didn’t fit their image of what a wrestler should look like and they sent him back to FCW. Those idiots!”
“Heck, by the standards they have today, I don’t think I would be able to get a job”, Mulligan said. “And I know that Race and Dusty wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Exactly”. Punk remarked.
“Well, back to what Husky told me”, Blackjack said. “He told me that you live what is called a straight-edge lifestyle. What exactly is that?”
“It means that I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. And I don’t do drugs”, Punk explained.
“So that means if you come on down to the ranch and we start passing that jug of Granny Mulligan’s moonshine around…”, Blackjack said.
“Not for me”, Punk said. “I’d love to come down and see your ranch sometime. Husky kept inviting me, but with the WWE’s schedule the way it is, I never had time to do much of anything except work out and travel. But I’ll pass on the moonshine and drinking.”
“Back in my day, that was one of the ways we used to break in the new talent and see if they could keep up. Dusty and Murdoch would bring the kids down to the ranch and Cousin Linda Lou would do a little jig and we’d break out the shine. Sometimes, they’d even let ol’ Cousin Luke out of the looney-bin and he’d come down and party with us. Slaughter a hog and a cow, throw some steaks on the fire and raise hell till the sun came up.”
“I’m not condemning it”, Punk said. “And if there’s some good steaks involved, I’ll certainly be there. I just don’t feel any desire to pollute my body with alcohol of any type.”
“Believe me, Granny Mulligan’s shine isn’t just alcohol. I saw it knock Andre the Giant for a loop one Saturday night. He climbed into the cow pasture and was doing cartwheels and that was really a sight to see.”
“Too bad you didn’t have a camera to film it”, Punk laughed. “That would be something to see. But still, I’d have to pass on the liquor and drinking.”
“Well, then you could drive the car and make sure everyone makes it home in one piece”, Mulligan laughed.
“Sounds like a plan”, Punk said. “CM Punk Taxi Service. Works for me.”
“So we’re fixing to have to wrap this up”, Mulligan said. “So what’s in the future and what’s going to be happening to CM Punk?”
“Well, I’m mainly staying around Chicago and just taking it easy. I might go out and do a show or two and defend my WWE Championship, but then again, I might not. Right now, I just want to rest up, be lazy and annoy the crap out of Vince, Paul, Steph and the rest.”
“Aren’t you concerned that they might possibly try and take some legal action against you?”, Mulligan asked.
“For what? I won the title fair and square by beating Cena. If Rey Mysterio or Miz or anyone else wants to wrestle me for my WWE title, they can come to Chicago and challenge me. I’m not hiding or doing anything wrong. I’m the WWE Champion.”
“Well, we’re gonna have to close up for now”, Mulligan said. “I see that producer fellow over there about to go crazy waving his arms around. So I want to say thanks to CM Punk for stopping by the old BBQ Pit. I’m Blackjack Mulligan. Take it easy!”