Bert & Ernie: If It Ain’t Broke (Fic)
A/N: Early last year, there was a lot of talk going about and an actual petition being circulated online that wanted to see everyone’s favorite Muppet roomies, from Sesame Street, get married. Yeah, it was kind of crazy, but it gave me an idea for a little story… so here you go. I don’t own Bert, Ernie or any of the Sesame Street Characters – The Children’s Television Workshop owns everything. I just hope they’ll forgive me once this story is posted. Reviews welcome and appreciated.
(Originally written on August 13, 2011)
Bert and Ernie are in their home on Sesame Street.
“Hey Bert?”, Ernie said.
“What is it Ernie?”, Bert asked.
“I’ve been thinking about something Bert”, Ernie said. “How long have we lived together?”
“A little over thirty years”, Bert replied. “Why?”
“Well, I read something in the paper”, Ernie answered. “Did you know that there’s a petition out there for us to get married?”
“Married?”, Bert said. “That’s crazy!”
“Is it?”, Ernie said. “After all, you’re my best friend. And I’m your best friend. And you’ve never had a girlfriend. And I’ve never had a girlfriend.”
“Ernie, have you been smoking Elmo’s crack again?”, Bert asked. “Listen to me. Marriage is an institution where two people who love each other make vows to commit and be loyal to each other and have their relationship affirmed by the local governing authorities.”
“Okay”, Ernie said. “But why is it crazy?”
“Because we don’t need it. You’re my best friend, Ernie. You drive me crazy with your pranks and jokes and the way you sing to your rubber ducky, but I wouldn’t want to share a home with anyone else.”
“And I feel the same way, Bert. Even though you’re cranky and bossy and leave your bottlecap collection everywhere, you’re still the best guy I know.”
“See”, Bert said. “Why would we ruin a perfect relationship by even thinking about something like marriage?”
“You know that everyone already thinks we’re gay, dont you Bert?”, Ernie asked.
“I know”, Bert said. “But they also think that Big Bird and Snuffleuphagous are just friends and we know the truth about that. Why doesn’t anyone pick on them? Why are they concerned about us?”
“I guess we’re just popular Bert”, Ernie said.
“It’s hard being an idol to millions”, Bert sighed.
“Well, dozens at least”, Ernie snickered.
“Ernie!”, Bert yelled.
“So even though we’re not gay, unless you use the literal translation, which means happy and merry, which we definitely are, people still talk about us and want us to be married”, Ernie said.
“Don’t worry about it”, Bert said. “It’ll blow over.”
“Is there anything wrong with gay marriage, Bert?”, Ernie asked.
“I don’t think so”, Bert said. “It’s people who love each other making a declaration of their love and vowing to commit to each other forever. I don’t see how anything can be wrong with that.”
“It sounds nice”, Ernie said.
“Yeah, it does”, Bert answered.
“So why can’t we get married?”, Ernie asked.
“Because the producers said we can’t”, Bert replied. “The producers of Sesame Street issued a statement that we’re not gay. We’re just best friends. And that Sesame Street characters are nonsexual.”
“Boy, those producers really are clueless, aren’t they?”, Ernie laughed.
“Nonsexual”, Bert laughed. “I guess they don’t know about The Count and Cookie Monster.”
“Cookie really will eat anything, won’t he”, Ernie snickered again.
“So we’re not gay. We’re just best friends”, Bert said. “And we’re not getting married.”
“Yeah, you’re right Bert”, Ernie said. “After all, how many times have we seen people together and happy for years and then they get married and it’s over in three weeks.”
“I know”, Bert said. “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it and we’ve got a great relationship as it is. Why screw it up?”
“If we were gay and got married, you’d be the woman in the relationship, right?”, Ernie remarked
“Ernie!”, Bert shouted.
“Yeah, you’d definitely be the bitch”, Ernie laughed.
“Enough of this, Ernie”, Bert shouted. “People can talk all they want, but we’re not getting married. And I am not ‘the bitch’ of our relationship. I am not the..”
“Bert, are you crying?”, Ernie asked as he noted tears beginning to flow from his best friend’s eyes.
“I’m sorry”, Bert sighed. “I’m just so frustrated by all of this pressure. Why won’t people just leave us alone.”
“I’m sorry, Bert”, Ernie said. “If I had known it was going to make you cry, I wouldn’t have brought the topic up.”
“Hold me Ernie”, Bert whimpered.
Ernie didn’t say anything else as he just wrapped his arms around his best friend and just held him close as Bert let the tears flow. After a few moments, Ernie had to say something.
“It’s moments like this that are why people think we’re gay”, he smiled. “And you definitely are the bitch!”
“Ernie”, Bert shouted as he pulled away, his face in a big pout.
“I’m just kidding Bert”, Ernie said. “What you need is a good bath. I’ll go get the water running for you.”
“I don’t want a bath”, Bert pouted.
“I’ll let you play with my rubber duckie”, Ernie smiled.
Bert’s eyes brightened at this suggestion. And then his face got sad again.
“But I don’t want to be alone”, he pouted. “Will you…?”
“I’ll take a bath with you”, Ernie said with a smile as he pulled off his shirt. “And I’ll even scrub your back.”
Ernie and Bert headed towards the bathroom. Bert stopped Ernie with a hand on his chest.
“You’re my best friend Ernie”, Bert smiled at his friend.
“And your my best friend too Bert”, Ernie smiled back. “Now let’s go get that bath and forget all about this marriage controversy.”
“Already forgotten”, Bert said as he pulled off his shirt. “It’s a stupid idea. We’re already best friends and who needs more than that?”
“Not us Bert”, Ernie said. “Ooops, I dropped the soap.”
“I wonder why everyone always thinks we’re gay?”, Bert asked once more as the bathroom door closed.
THE END (?)