Ten Days Of Dougie – Day 7
Big Purses, Dumb Things Customers Say & Gay Jokes
October 3, 2017
Good morning. It’s Tuesday and already a stressful day. I woke up early to go do my Food Bank duties, picking up at Food Lion and was greeted at the door by the manager. Instead of picking up their donations at roughly 10:30am on my scheduled days, as I’ve been doing for almost ten years, I now have to wait until around 1:00 – 1:30pm. And while I understand his logic and reasoning for this change, it sure screws up my day and makes things more difficult for me. It doesn’t matter though. I’ll adjust and work to their schedule. It’s the least I can do since they don’t have to do these donations every week and still do. Food Lion does a great deal for us at the Hope In Christ food bank, who I represent and where I volunteer my time and service and if a slight schedule arrangement is necessary, so be it. It’s not a big deal, but now, what will I do with my mornings? I guess I’ll just have to write more here at the site. Well, that and go on MeetMe and talk to sexy 22 year olds. Hey guys, how you doing?
So are you ready to do this “Ten Days” thing? Let’s find the “Magic Bag” and find out what the topics for today are. We have “Big Purses”, “Dumb Things Customers Say” and “Gay Jokes”. This one should be easy and fun, but I guess, considering the last topic, I should post a warning and disclaimer here. There will be adult language and humor in the final chapter. It will be crude and tasteless. And people may be offended. Get over it though. You’ve been warned. And now, shall we begin. (Yes Lisa). Note the subtle Prince reference? Ain’t that cool? Let’s get busy and do this…
Can someone please tell me why women carry those really, really big purses around. You know the ones that I’m talking about. That are about the size of a steamer trunk and weigh about a hundred pounds and could hold a German Shepard. What the hell does anyone need a purse that big for? For ID, credit cards and money, I understand, but what else is in there? Make-up? Tampons? Hairbrush? Coupons? Family pictures? Cans of Beef Stew and packets of ketchup and mustard? Diapers? Bottles of Liquor? Changes of clothes? Any of these or more likely all of these. What is up with that? I don’t care who you are. No one needs a purse the size of a Volkswagen and all of this clutter with them. But women carry them anyhow and then they come up to the counter, sling the purse up on the counter and start looking for change (which is the one thing they don’t have in that purse). You’ll see them at the counter of a store, trying to find a dime or three pennies so they don’t have to “break a bill” and they’re just pulling out item after item after item and laying it all on the counter.
We have bottles of medication. We have more liquor. We have a crushed pack of cigarettes and a lighter that doesn’t work. More coupons. A pregnancy test. A tooth brush and small tube of toothpaste. And everything but the change they’re originally looking for. And then they have a realization that they can’t find a credit card that they “just used” and start looking for it, digging more in that endless wasteland they call a purse. Here comes a bottle of water. And a billfold that they then start thumbing through. And the counter, where they’ve been laying item after item after they pulled it all from that black hole through time and space are all over the place, cluttering up the counter and looking like a hurricane has passed through. They find the credit card they decided to look for, but still haven’t found that change, that dime or few pennies and they say, “just go ahead and break that bill!”. All of that plundering and unloading of endless crap for nothing. And I’m still wondering, why carry all that crap around? And who the hell needs a purse that big? You need ID, credit cards or cash and that’s it. Everything else can stay in the car or better yet, at home. Why do women do this to themselves? More importantly, why do they do this to me. Big purses are not necessary and are just damn wrong. Put them away and get a tiny little pocketbook that can be all cute and dainty and match your outfit. That’s practical and cool. But those big ass purses? Oh vey! I’m moving on…
Dumb Things Customers Say…
Anyone who has ever said that there is no such thing as a “stupid question” have obviously never worked for any length of time with the public or in retail in any capacity. Customers say dumb things sometimes. Not all of them, but enough that it can be pretty annoying. So I guess I’ll just do a “Top Ten List” of dumb things that customers say. And away we go…
Top Ten Dumb Things Customers Say…
10. (To the person putting up stock or standing behind the counter) – Do you work here?
9. (Calling on the phone) – Are you open? (No, I’m just here to answer the phone.)
8. Are you open? – when you’re standing behind the cash register with no line.
7. How much is this? (holding up an item with a dozen price stickers on it, showing the price.)
6. “Why can’t I use my cell phone at the register?” while looking directly at the sign posted that says no cell phones or texting in the register area.
5. “Does the chip reader work?” while looking directly at the sign on the credit card machine that says, “Chip reader works!”
4. “Do I get this free?”, when item doens’t scan on the register the first time.
3. “It’s my birthday. Do I get this free?”
2. “Do I get credit?”
1. And that classic favorite, “Working hard or hardly working!”
Boy, that was lame. I thought I could make it funny, but it didn’t quite hit the mark, did it? Well, people are lame too (some of them anyhow) so I’ll leave it as it is and try to do better next time. Let’s move on to the third and final topic.
I love gay jokes. And pretty much all tasteless and offensive jokes because they’re tasteless and funny and I find them amusing. Actually, that sounds more like most of the guys I used to date. Tasteless and funny and I found them amusing, for a while anyhow. Yeah, I know. How can a middle-aged and crazy (and extremely sexy) gay man like gay jokes? Easy really, I have a thick skin, a sense of humor, and don’t have a stick up my ass (insert tasteless gay joke here). Humor, even bad or sick, dark humor is good for you, or for me anyhow. I like to laugh and smile and throw this damn phone across the room….
Sorry about that. My phone (and the house phone) have been blowing up all morning. I hate a damn phone! Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah, jokes are funny. Even bad jokes are like bad sex and even when they’re awful, they’re good. And the best thing about gay jokes is that, since I’m actually gay, I can get away with them while all you straight-ass crackers can’t. I don’t have to be politically correct, not that I would be anyhow. Let’s do another “Top 10” list with ten random gay jokes.
Top Ten Gay Jokes
10. Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas? A: Erection Sets.
9. Q: What comes after 69? A: mouthwash.
8. Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there.
7. Q: How do you know your a homosexual? A: When you make Justin Bieber look straight.
6. Q: How can you make a gay man scream twice? A: Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.
5. Q: Did you hear about the gay vegetarian? A: He still eats meat.
4. Q. Did you know 75% of the gay population were born that way? A. The other 25% were sucked into it.
3. Q: Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar? A: They went outside to exchange blows.
2. Q: What’s the difference between a hobo and a homo? A: a hobo doesnt have any friends, but a homo has friends up the ass
1. Q: How do gay gangsters do a drive by? A: They throw skittles at you and say “Taste the rainbow bitches!”
Admit it. You smiled a little bit at some of these. Jokes meant to be hateful are not funny, but jokes like these, that play on the stereotypes, they’re cool. And funny. And if you have any good ones to share, send them to me. Thank you. I can laugh at myself and everyone else too. That’s why I’m going to live forever. Because I’m a twisted and sick bastard. But at least I’m smiling.
And that ends this. A little different and kind of weird, but it’s all good. That’s the good thing about these “Ten Days” projects. I never know what the topics will be until I’m writing them and anything goes, as today’s piece is total proof of… lol. Thank you for reading. Thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated. And with that, I’m down and gone. See you tomorrow with Day 8.