Unlikely Group Takes A Bite Out Of Crime – January 12, 2005
I found this column in a newspaper last Sunday. It
was funny – but it’s not wrestling related. Or it
wasn’t. With a little tweaking and one additional
high profile resident of Arizona added to the mix – it
suddenly became a wrestling skit. I hope you enjoy!
Unlikely Group Takes A Bite Out Of Crime…
by syndicated columnist Mark Bazer
(with some additional help by Doug M. and The Warrior)
We’re here in Paradise Valley, Ariz. – an exclusive
town that is the home to the likes of pitcher Randy
Johnson, rocker Alice Cooper and former Vice President
Dan Quayle. It is also apparently prime real estate
for burglars. Other prominent residents of Paradise
Valley include fomer NBA star Charles Barkley, retired
news anchor Hugh Downs and convicted Watergate
conspirator G. Gordon Liddy. Also in attendence is The
Hugh Downs: Good evening and welcome to this
emergency meeting of the Paradise Valley
neighborhood-watch committee. I’m Hugh Downs.
Charles Barkley: Hugh, baby, you know you’re no longer
on the air, right?
Downs: With us in the meeting tonight is former
basketball great Charles Barkley. Good to have you
Dan Quayle (rotating his index finger around his ear
in a “he’s crazy” motion): Looks like school’s out
forever for old Hugh! Get it, everybody! Get it?
I’m quoting one of Alice’s very very evil lyrics.
Alice Cooper: Yes, Dan, we get it! Very, very funny.
That’ll be five bucks!
Quayle: Five bucks? What do I owe you five bucks for?
Alice: I’ve got “school’s out forever” trademarked.
Anytime anyone says it, they have to send me money.
Quayle (handing over six one-dollar bills): Alice,
your head-banging music has long undermined the moral
fabric of our society. But I must say, I find your
never-ending attempts to earn cash truly inspiring.
Warrior: The Warriors can depend on The Ultimate
Warrior because YOU, any evil in Paradise Valley can
bring it to the Ultimate Warrior and I’ll give it back
twice as hard. It’s a power. It’s a force field that
nobody can deal with and nobody can stop. It’s an
awesome force and The Ultimate Warrior is the only one
that controls it.
Alice: Talk about a crazy little child!
Barkley: He’s out there.
Randy Johnson: People, please! Can we discuss why
we’re all here. The rash of burglaries in our
exclusive, incredibly bizarre and once crime free
community? (Under his breath) This trade to the
Yankees better go through soon so I can settle down on
a nice safe street in the Bronx.
Barkley: Hey, Liddy! You’ve been awfully quiet. You
wouldn’t happen to know anything about burglaries,
(G. Gordon Liddy, squatted in a corner, his hands
directly over the flame of a burning candle, perks his
Alice: Yes, what up G?
Liddy: Listen, I don’t know anything about anything.
I was out every night of the burglaries. I was, um,
on a debate tour with the corpse of Timothy Leary.
Um, you know, even though he’s dead, the college kids
still eat our shtick up.
Warrior: A hero, a one time hero, with an unlimited,
yet undisciplined mind, is a dangerous thing. I
intend, the Warrior’s intend, to eradicate that
Quayle: Leave Liddy alone. As a right-wing talk
radio host, he’s a true patriot. Have the police
questioned the single mothers in the area? Do any of
the stars of “Desperate Housewives” live here?
Downs: “Desperate Housewives”, the ABC nighttime soap
about a bevy of bodacious beauties up to their
brassieres in men, children, and of course, each
other, has taken the nation by storm. Tonight,
Barbara mmets with the leading ladies of Wisteria
Johnson: Get a grip, Hugh!
Alice: Someone needs to tell Warrior to get a grip!
Barkley: Hey, Randy, Hugh was fine before you
intentionally beaned him in last year’s 4th of July
Johnson: Well, Sir Charles, I guess we can’t all be
role models like you?
Quayle: Has Charles been knighted?
Barkley (sarcastically): I got an idea. Why doesn’t
Randy pelt the burglars with those Right Guard Extreme
Power Caps odor-fighting capsules he uses in that
hilarious commercial of his? (Under his breath) Talk
Johnson: First of all, if I did throw odor-fighting
capsules at the burglars, it wouldn’t deter them; it
would only make them smell better. Second of all,
Charles, aren’t you due for your shift at the
Footlocker about now?
Quayle: Or is it the Lady Footlocker? Heh! Heh!
Warrior: I believe in the power of the individual, you
believe in the mentality of the pack. I believe in the
spirit of Warrior, within all of us, you believe in
steering an unfocused vision, that rewards no one and
belittles all. OWN! One! Warrior! Nation!
Alice: All righty-then.
Quayle: He scares me!
Liddy: He reminds me of Nixon!
Warrior: All the evil in the Paradise Valley can come
face to face and look me eye to eye… they’re going
Liddy: Fellas, fellas, let’s not fight amongst
ourselves. We have real enemies – despicable
Democrats trying to rob us of our wealth. We need to
get organized. Gentlemen, we need a leader. I
nominate Alice Cooper to be neighborhood-watch
Johnson: I second that.
Liddy: All in favor, say “aye”.
In Unison: Aye!
Quayle: Me too!
Warrior: I will look at you and you will realize
then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only
Alice Cooper to take what we both believe in to places
it shall never have been.
Johnson: Doesn that mean yes?
Barkley: Who knows?
Alice: And people call me crazy?
Downs: This just in! Alice Cooper, the shocking
grotesque rock star has been elected president of the
Paradise Valley neighborhood-watch committee.
Quayle: Hey, can I be vice president?
Barkely: Sorry, Dan, I don’t think you can handle
that. (others murmur their agreement!)
Johnson: Listen. I’ve got to go call my agent.
Alice: I should probably get to the MAC store before
Barkley: Can I get a lift? I’ve got to pick up an
oil painting of myself at the frame shop.
Liddy: Yes, look at the time. I’m due to spread
truth, justice and the American way in 15 minutes.
Quayle: And I’m due to spread, um, butter on my
wife’s toast… or something.
Warrrior: I intend, the Warrior’s intend, to
eradicate that danger. Crime will be destroyed! I
intend… I intend to show the World, that a
revolution is built on better ideas, not belligerant
idiocy!! I intend to show the world a revolution is
based on magnificnence, I intend to show that a
revolution is based on courage, not cowardice. And
that is all that you need to know. Next week Warriors.
The revolution continues. Same Warrior time, Same
Warrior place, Same Warrior channel.
Downs: For all of us at the Paradise Valley
neighborhood-watch committee, good night!