12 Dougie Days Of Christmas – Day 1: Christmas Trees, The View and Baby Pigs…

12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 1
Christmas Trees, The View & Baby Pigs
December 8, 2017
DougMaynard.com

Day One and I’m already running a day behind. Whatchu talking bout, Willis? I was going to start this new blog series, the “12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas yesterday, but just like that partridge in a pear tree, I was distracted and busy and deck the halls and all of that stuff and it just didn’t happen. Well, at least no one noticed. And we’re starting now… right now. It’s the 12 Days of Christmas, Dougie style and it begins here.

“So what is this all about?”, you ask. It’s simple. Each day, I shall reach into what I call the “Magic Bag” and pick randomly three scraps of paper with words and subject ideas written on them and then, that’s what I write about. No advance warning and it’s totally on the fly as to what the topic might be. And since this is December and I’m using a Christmas theme, I also, while at work yesterday, came up with about a hundred or so Christmas themed topics and put them in a different bag. I’ll draw at least one topic from here as well and it’ll be part of the mix to add the holiday flavor to my literary brew. This will either be great fun or a great disaster. It could be both, but we’ll see how it goes. Are you ready? And the topics for Day 1 are… The View, Baby Pigs and Christmas Trees. Oh vey! Well one subject will be fun and the others, I think I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Let’s do this…

Christmas Trees, The View and Baby Pigs…

I just finished watching the video for “Hard Candy Christmas” from the “Best Little Whorehouse In Texas” soundtrack by Dolly Parton and her girls, to try and put myself into the Christmas mood. I love that song and it makes the allergies act up every time. Nothing like a bunch of displaced ladies of the evening to get the emotions peaked and to get into the holiday spirit. Works every time. And now, on to our subjects. I’ll save the best one, the Christmas trees, for last. And the other two? Oh vey!

The View…

Over twenty five years ago, Barbara Walters had the idea for a show that had five women with different points of view and it was pretty decent and something new and original for the time. Faces have come and gone over the past two decades, but for the most part, the show was informative and semi-decent and Walters kept a tight hand on everyone to make sure that no one went too crazy or was too extreme. Then they brought in Rosie O’Donnell and things started to go south. And then here comes Whoopi Goldberg and it all went to shit. From a show with different points of view, it quickly became a platform for extreme liberalism, crazy thinking and a place where no opposing view or opinion is welcome. It’s Whoopi, the pure and utter insanity and stupidity of Joy Behar, who I am positive is suffering from extreme dementia and has totally lost her freakin’ mind since Trump was elected and three other nameless, token generic women who don’t matter. I can only imagine what Barbara Walters is thinking now about what her show, that she help to create and lead for so many years, has turned into. It’s just a waste of TV space and hate propaganda crammed into an hour of network television. I’m all for strong and creative women with different ideas and different points of view, but this show doesn’t have that anymore. It was good and entertaining once. Now, it’s a disgrace and should be canceled. Who said that? I said that! (Shout out to Robert D. Raiford… RIP). Let’s move on…

Baby Pigs…

What the hell do I know about baby pigs or pigs of any kind for that matter? How did this topic even become part of my “Magic Bag”? Was I watching a Muppet Babies marathon and enjoying the comedic skills of the mini Miss Piggy? Who knows? Actually, I do know why this topic is here. A neighbor of mine has a pet pot-bellied pig. The story here is kind of funny and I don’t think that Robert will mind me sharing it.

Robert had adopted a bunch of small kittens that someone had dropped off at his place of employment. They were too small to be away from their Mama and some lousy, cruel sorry piece of crap had just tossed them out on the side of the highway right by where my neighbor works. He saw the kittens, gathered them up and brought them home where he and his girlfriend took care of them, fed them, litter box trained them and played Daddy and Mommy to these feline orphans who had been tossed away like three-day trash. And then, as they got bigger, Robert and his lady decided that they needed to find these little guys and girls some homes. So Robert’s GF, who’s name I can not remember… sorry, took the kittens and went out and found what we all hope will be good homes for the little ones. End of story, right? Well, not really.

She left the house with the kittens and found them homes, but when she came back home, she had another small orphan in tow, a little pot-bellied pig. Hearing Robert telling this story, with the facial expressions and colorful language, is a sight to see and I can’t do it justice here, but it is hilarious. She got rid of four kittens and now they have a pig. The pig lives in the house, is litter box trained and Robert says is just like a small dog that follows his GF around constantly. And likes to get in their laps and snuggle. And the thought of an old country boy like Robert with a small pig curled up in his lap, it makes me laugh every time. They tell me that the pig has really become a part of their family and rides with the GF when she goes out. It’s just like a loyal puppy except for that it’s a pig. It’s pretty cool.

And finally…

Christmas Trees…

As soon as I saw this topic come up, two images quickly formed in my head. We’ve all had Christmas trees in our homes over the years and the memories of some stand out better than others and I’m no exception. I’ve been alive for 51 years and until maybe the past five years or so, I’ve always made sure to have a tree each year to help celebrate Christmas. I don’t do it anymore because my Mom lives here with me and she’s become a total scrooge about the whole Christmas idea. She spent several years “studying” with the Jehovah Witnesses and while they’re some nice people and I liked most of them that I met, their ideas on Christmas and holidays (and voting) are kind of whacked. They don’t do it. And Mom, who changed big time after the death of my brother many many years ago, seems to have embraced their feelings towards the holidays and Christmas. I could put up a tree, but she would piss and moan and grouch about it and I’d rather not hear it or argue about it so I don’t. I just go to be with my friends and enjoy the holidays with them instead before coming back here to the Grinch household.

But all of that is a story for another day. Right now, I want to talk about two trees that I had in my past, my younger and wilder days, when I lived on my own. Ther first one was a tree that my roomie at the time, Jack, and I had when I lived in my first apartment over at Briarwood Apartments, now known as Blue Farm Estates. We had this big old live tree that took up half the room. And it was awesome. But we didn’t have decorations, at least not the typical ones. We were two guys, both in our early 20’s, and all we did was drink, work, drink and occasionally party. Yes, it was a crazy time to be sure. And we had this big tree and it needed some decorations so we used beer cans. Natural Light cans to be specific. The blue and silver of the cans, mixed with the fake icicles and fake snow. There may have even been a string of clear lights on the tree, but I can’t remember for sure about that. Too many brain cells had been killed by all the beer, both during and since that time, but I think there were lights. Anyhow, a big live green Christmas tree with blue and silver cans, silver icicles and fake snow. It was incredible and awesome by any standards and for the two of us, it was pretty damn impressive. I wish we had taken pictures of it, but this was way before cell phones and all of that. We didn’t have a camera available and thus, the pictures only exist in our memories. But what a memory… and a tree it was. And what a roomie Jack was too. It was a crazy time and he drove me crazy back then, but looking back, I miss them days. And him. A helluva guy and a good friend. ‘Nuff said!

And the other tree that stands out most in my mind was my own version of the “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree”, but for real and fixed up “Dougie Style!”. I was living on my own in a trailer over in Glen Acres and I wanted a Christmas tree. But I had no money and could barely buy food or beer so going out and buying a tree was definitely out of the question. So I did the next best thing and went to the wood and found a tree. Did I say a tree? It was actually just a big ass branch off a pine tree which looked like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree on steroids. I found it, cut it off the tree and with a lot of hard work and props to make it stand up, I had a tree (sort of). I added a few icicles and maybe ten ornaments and there you go, my own tree. It was so different and unique and I loved it. And my cat, Stinky, who was a kitten and had just come to live with me, the start of a loving 19 year cat – human relationship, loved it too. He loved to climb it, to the top and just sit there and stare at me while I sat and drank my adult beverages and made mixed tapes and audio letters for my bestest friend, Theresa. A good time and memories that bring smiles to my face. I didn’t have much then, but it was a good life and that tree was making something out of nothing at it’s best. Charlie Brown would be so proud.

Well, that’s about all of this for today. And guess what? Only two interruptions while I was writing. Well, Ma did ask me about a dozen questions and tried to talk to me several times, but when she realized I was ignoring her to concentrate on my writing, she gave up wandered off to a different part of the house. My phone has gone off twice, with a call from an unknown number and a text from my BFF / brother / heterosexual life mate. And then the phone started going off with calls from my sister Terri and some guy named Sam. It never fails when I try to write, no matter the time of day or night. I hate a damn phone.

And now, I’m calling it quits. This is the end of Day 1 with only 11 more to go. I hope everyone is doing well and thank you for taking the time to read this and supporting my site. Have a great one and I’ll see you tomorrow with another blog. I’ll probably be back later today with some other stuff too, but no promises.

Have a great one and just keep being too sweet. Merry Christmas and I’ll see you next time.

Ubuntu!

@00 @ 1 1 12 Days 4

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