12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 10: Clothes, National Anthem, Soap & Crazy Chicks…

12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 10
December 19, 2017
Clothes, National Anthem, Soap & Crazy Chicks
DougMaynard.com

Where has the time gone? Yesterday was a long and tiresome day that lasted from early in the AM until late in the evening and despite being on the go all day, I really didn’t get anything accomplished either. I surely didn’t get anything done here at the site and unfortunately, that includes my blog series, the “12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas. So I’m what? Two days behind now? If anyone was actually reading and keeping track, I’d probably be upset and feel guilty, but this whole series, as compared to the blog series of the past, is like that quick little hook-up with the pretty eyed guy who used to work at Bojangles, just our little dirty secret. Oh well… lol.

So let’s do Day 10, shall we? I’m warning you now that I just woke up a few minutes ago and haven’t had a shower, a drink or anything yet. I haven’t even walked into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot for my mother-figure. It was rolling out of bed, literally unwinding myself from the sheets and coming straight to the computer here in the living room. So my mind is still muddled from the sleepy-time daze and my eyes are burning and my body is saying, “Go yo’ ass back to bed. You ain’t gotta be up yet!”. But I’m going to do this first because that’s the kind of guy I am. Stubborn and when I make a committment, I follow through and do it. It may take a while sometimes, but it will get done. Now let’s find out what the topics for today’s piece. Where is the “Magic Bag”?

I have the “Magic Bag” and I’m pulling out topics. Today will be about “Clothes”, “National Anthem”, “Soap” and from the Christmas version of the “Magic Bag”, we have “Crazy Chicks”. How does that relate to the Holidays? Oh vey! Well, those are the topics. And yes, I know that there are four instead of the usual three. I’m feeling special today and want this column to be a “Dr. Phil Life Changing Moment!” for the readers. Plus, two pieces of paper stuck together and I decided to just go for it, cause that’s how I roll. And now, let’s roll with this and get ‘er done.

Clothes…

I’m the last person that needs to be talking about clothes since honestly, I have no fashion sense at all. I wear jeans and usually a button-up flannel shirt or a polo-style shirt 98% of the time and either khakis or black pants when I go to work. I dress for comfort rather than style or fashion. It’s hard to believe that I’m a gay man since I prefer t-shirts and tennis shoes to anything even remotely smashing. And I don’t throw away clothes. I find something that’s comfortable and I like and wear it until it literally falls apart on me or else it becomes too small, or as has been the case this past year, too big. I’m down from a size 42 waist to a 36 now. Can’t seem to get rid of this belly, but at least I’m losing weight and keeping it off. Soon, I’ll be looking like a homo-redneck version of Zac Efron. Well, maybe not, but one can dream, right?

As for clothes, some people can pull off the fancy clothes. And I can clean up well if I need to, but why bother? I’d rather be just be me and be comfortable. So my clothes advice? Wear what you want and be comfortable. Don’t be having all your flesh hanging out though unless you’re really, really hot. Fat bodies stuffed into way too small clothes is NOT atttractive. And pull your damn pants up, unless you have a really hot and sexy ass that I would want to look at. Other than that, all I can say about clothes is be sure to wear them unless you want to get arrested for public nudity. Or unless you’re a guy, sending me a pic or two. Then nudity is acceptable and actually preferred. That’s a hint guys. Let’s move on.

National Anthem…

When the National Anthem plays, stand up and be respectful. This is the greatest country in the world and be proud to be an American. Yes, I understand that one of the great things about America is that we have the right to not stand up and speak our minds and protest and all of that. So you don’t HAVE to stand, but it would be nice. And if you can’t stand up for our nation, why should our country and the men and women who sacrificed and continue to do so each and every day bother standing up for you? Something to think about, right? Anyhow, when the National Anthem plays, I stand up. And if you don’t like it, so be it. That’s your right. But it’s also my right to think you’re a stupid idiot and belong on “the list of stupid idiots!”. And there you go.

Soap…

This was a great television sitcom from back in the 70’s that was so out there and ahead of it’s time, it was amazing. And funny. And launched a lot of careers like 98% of the cast of “WKRP in Cincinnati”, most of the cast from “Empty Nest”, Billy Crystal and Katherine Helmond. It also gave us “Benson” as a spin off. A great show created by Susan Harris and if you get the chance to watch the old episodes, then do so. But I’m not talking about that. I”m talking today about real soap. The washy, bathing, smell good kind.

Soap cleans you. It makes you smell better and removes dirt and odor and cooties from the body. Bottom line… USE IT! ‘Nuff said!

And finally…

Crazy Chicks…

Not to be disrespectful here, but all women have a bit of crazy in them. Some more than others and some hide it better than others, but it’s there. It’s definitely there. But then again, so do all gay guys. We’re all a bit psycho to some degree too so don’t think I’m picking on just the women. And all men have some “ass-clown” in them. Again, to differing degrees, but it’s there. We’re all flawed to a point and have an alternate personality that just goes off every so often and is scary to see and behold. And how did “Crazy Chicks” even get into my Christmas version of the “Magic Bag” anyhow? Who knows?

But we all have experienced that crazy chick who might smile to your face, but is just insane. There’s no better way to describe it. They get on Facebook and create drama where there was none. They think that everything is a conspiracy and everyone is against them. They are so quick to point out the flaws in others when they are far more flawed and have habits and characteristics that are far worse than anything that they’re talking and fussing about. They’re a danger to themselves and others, yet act as if they’re the perfect angels, putting on a front for everyone. The face of an angel, but the mind and actions of a potential serial killer… and all of this is on a normal day. Wait until they get pissed off or get into one of their self-pity modes. Then the delusional behavior and two-faced lies and words really start to come out.

Oh wait, I just realized where the whole “Crazy Chicks” concept comes from. I was thinking about my ex-sister-in-law. Not my brother Steve’s ex, although she had her moments too. I liked her. But my bro-son’s ex. She’s freakin’ beyond crazy. I probably shouldn’t talk about her here since she’s got eyes everywhere and most of them are looking for tricks to do and drugs to put up her nose. Oops! Did that slip out. My bad, but I really don’t like her. And when you look up “crazy chick” in the dictionary, her pic will be there under “extreme nut case”. All women are crazy to a degree, like I said. It’s part of the package and part of their charm and allure. But that one, she takes the cake. I think I’ll end this before I get myself in trouble. Oops! Too late… lol.

And with that, I’m through for now. Thanks for reading. I hope that everyone has a safe and Happy Holiday season. Merry Christmas! Comments and thoughts are welcome and appreciated. Until the next time, take care. Love you!

Ubuntu!

@00 @ 1 1 12 Days 3

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