It Was So Cold (How Cold Was It?)

It Was So Cold…
(How Cold Was It?)
January 2, 2018
DougMaynard.com

Currently, here in the ‘Burg, (that’s Laurinburg, NC for all of you non-Scotland county folk), we’re experiencing a cold snap unlike anything we’ve seen in many many years. Tempatures are in the low teens and singles during the night and only barely reaching freezing during the day. This is the south. We’re not supposed to have this cold weather. It’s cutting to the bone and just damn cold. How cold was it? Glad you asked. It was so cold that…

It was so cold . . .
we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

It was so cold…
hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

It was so cold…
roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

It was so cold . . .
when I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!

It was so cold . . .
the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!

It was so cold . . .
kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pyjamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

It was so cold . . .
the travel agency was advertising tropical vacations in Igloolik!

It was so cold . . .
pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm!

It was so cold . . .
the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

It was so cold . . .
I chipped a tooth on my soup!

It was so cold . . .
Grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass!

It was so cold . . .
the dogs were wearing cats!

It was so cold . . .
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

It was so cold . . .
Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!

It was so cold . . .
the rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.

It was so cold . . .
we had to chop up the piano for firewood – but we only got two chords.

It was so cold . . .
we had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas!

It was so cold…
kids stopped worrying about acne. The new problem – goosepimples!

It was so cold . . .
when we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows – we got chocolate ice cream!

It was so cold . . .
words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!

It was so cold . . .
the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits – just to get them running!

It was so cold . . .
Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

It was so cold . . .
we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

It was so cold . . .
the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! Then…

It was so cold . . .
when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs – or keep them running in place!

It was so cold . . .
people with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair!

It was so cold . . .
the snowflakes froze in the air. Birds hopped from one snowflake to another to get into the trees.

It was so cold . . .
terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!

It was so cold . . .
the politicians had their hands in their OWN pockets!

It was so cold…
beauty contestants had to draw pictures of themselves for the swimsuit competition! It was the first time talent was an asset in that event!

It was so cold . . .
my mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope!

It was so cold . . .
UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!

It was so cold . . .
I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap!

It was so cold . . .
Throps and Squallhoots were constantly hugging!

It was so cold . . .
Richard Simmons started wearing pants!

It was so cold . . .
the fake Rolex sellers were selling fake heaters!

It was so cold…
Mr. Smith’s toupee turned white for the winter!

It was so cold…
Mr. Bumstead’s toupee took off and migrated south!

It was so cold . . .
my dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!

It was so cold . . .
people stopped complaining about the radioactive steam coming out of manholes!

It was so cold . . .
the muggers were phoning in sick!

It was so cold . . .
a streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

It was so cold . . .
when I got sick – Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup!

It was so cold . . .
the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!

It was so cold . . .
the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!

It was so cold . . .
people with the sniffles had to suck on NyQuil popsicles!

It was so cold . . .
we didn’t clean the house – we just defrosted it!

It was so cold . . .
you could pick up used vans cheap down at “Ice Cream Vendor Surplus”.

It was so cold . . .
my Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!

It was so cold . . .
Pamela Anderson was downgraded from “hot” to “tepid”.

It was so cold . . .
down at the city morgue, you couldn’t tell the stiffs from the guys who worked there!

It was so cold . . .
we had to put superchargers on the electric blankets!

It was so cold . . .
if you peed your pants, you’d either have to have them chiseled off or be stuck in them until the spring thaw.

It was so cold . . .
we had to push the house down the street to jump-start the furnace!

It was so cold…
when I needed local anesthesia – the dentist told me to stick my head outside!

It was so cold . . .
Ben and Jerry branched out into the igloo construction business to utilize unsold blocks of ice cream.

It was so cold…
everyone wanted to make antifreeze – so we hid her woolly pyjamas!

It was so cold…
the men didn’t trim their moustaches and beards – when the hair got too long, they’d just break a little bit off!

It was so cold…
a kid could die of suffocation – ya can’t breathe with frozen boogers!

It was so cold…
we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside!

It was so cold…
the kids at school were using flannel notebooks!

It was so cold…
my moustache shattered when I laughed!

It was so cold…
Boy Scouts were offering to de-ice little old ladies!

It was so cold…
you needed defrosters – just to have a good cry!

It was so cold…
forget about the car starting – the block heater wouldn’t even start! We needed heaters for the block heaters!

It was so cold…
I had to sleep with a block heater strapped to my head so Mom could get me moving in the morning!

It was so cold . . .
a flasher rushed up to poor Mrs. Flannigan – and described himself!

It was so cold…
we couldn’t go outside, so we played with our ball and bat in the living room. We invented “vaseball”! Now we’re in the dugout.

It was so cold…
the kids had to stay inside all weekend. Parents are now organizing a “teacher appreciation day”.

It was so cold…
a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes!

It was so cold…
kids’ grades seemed to be improving at school – when you apply the wind chill factor, a 57% looks like 93%!

It was so cold…
the barbershop was doing a booming business in thermal hairpieces!

It was so cold…
we had to wear so many layers of clothing that if you fell down, you just had to stay there until somebody found you and rolled you home!

It was so cold…
that desperate attempts to warm up resulted in several cases of deep-fried fingers!

It was so cold…
a man stumbled into the coffee shop and yelled “Perk me!”

So yeah, it’s cold. And there you go. Now you know. Thanks for reading. Thoughts and comments welcome. Jokes courtesy of http://www.athropolis.com. Until the next time, stay warm. Love you – mean it.

Ubuntu!

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