Flashback: Butts – January 6, 2013

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 5: BUTTS!

The epic saga continues.  It’s “Thirty Days of Dougie” – Part 5 and it’s Monday, January 7, 2013.  Okay, I’m lying.  It’s actually Sunday afternoon and I’ve got some free time before I head to the work-hole for a fun night of listening to “Miss Thang” talk about how hard she works, how good she is and why it all revolves around her, her, her.  Oh yeah, and we’ll be serving chicken and taters all night too.  I love my job! (and yes, that is sarcasm… lol).  I said I’d write every day and I am (will), but there’s nothing wrong with trying to get ahead of the curve, is there?  Of course not.  So let’s reach into the magic box and see what topic of interest we end up with for today.  And today, I write about…  “Butts”.

This should be fun…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 5:  BUTTS

January 7, 2012

So how should I go about this?  Should I get straight to the butt of the matter and move to the rear and jump right in or should I check out some ass-ets first and try not to crack up?  I’m lost and confused which all kind of makes sense since the sight of a sexy butt makes me all lost and confused anyhow. I like big butts and I can not lie.  So let’s just talk about the butt.

The butt has such a negative image.  I guess because it’s so full of crap, but there is nothing finer and sexier than a good looking guy with a round, meaty bubble-butt.  The little skinny, flat boney butts are okay too, but they just don’t do it for me.  I want some meat and flesh.  I want to see the curves and be able to note the round of the mound.  Put on a pair of slightly worn, but good fitting jeans that show off that lucious butt and I’m in hog heaven.  Or at least I hope to eventually be.  Oops!  Was that a perverted remark?  Maybe, but you’ll get over it.  After all, I’ve got to be me.

And a fine shaped butt looks good on either gender, be it man or woman. I might be a emo-homo redneck, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate it when some fine looking woman comes into my presence and she’s wearing just the right dress or pants that lift and rise in all the right places and make that rear end a human highlight reel.  A sexy butt is a sexy butt is a sexy butt and that’s the bottom line.  Of course, I’ve noticed that in general, most of the women that I see each day have the fine curves, the sexy butts, the bodies to kill for and the faces usually end up looking like fifteen miles of bad road and roadkill that’s been laying out in the sun too long.  But so long as that butt is out there and looking good, the face doesn’t really matter too much.  It is kind of sad when the ass is more attractive than the face, but that’s life and that’s just the way things roll sometimes so oh well…

You know what’s really depressing though? When you see that person who has no butt… they just have a flat surface there that is wide and generally just runs right on up their back.  It’s hard to tell where the butt ends and the back begins because it’s just a straight line.  That is just plain unnerving, to say the least.  And the other thing that’s depressing is when you have someone who is nothing but butt, and I’m not talking about the firm, round sexy butt, but pretty much half their body is just fat ass.  Uugh!  By the way, these are usually the same people who like to wear thongs, Daisy Dukes and spandex.  Go ahead and rip my freaking eyes out now.  Pardon me while I puke my guts out.  A positive self-image is one thing and maybe these huge asses of people are deluded enough to think they actually look good (I get that way sometimes, but in my case, it’s okay because I truly am a sexy beast), but I got news for these Mary Poopins wannabes.  Someone lied to you! Cover that stuff up… PLEASE!

Now I’ve lost my train of thought and forgotten what I was talking about. I just had a text message from a friend and now I’m annoyed. I love the guy, but at times…

So what was I speaking about?  Ugly butts, right?  Ummmm, they’re bad?  I’m sorry.  I’ve totally lost my train of thought and interest in this whole topic.  I think I mentioned the other day on one of my many Facebook statuses that I’m probably either bi-polar or just moody as hell. Well, I was in a good mood and just chugging along and now I’m annoyed and just don’t give a damn.  Yes, that quickly.  So I’m going to take a break and just sit here for a few minutes. I’ve got a phone call to make and some nice, sexy butts to think and fantasize about.  And in a little bit, I will return to finish this bad mama-jama up.  Don’t go away!

Let’s just finish this up with song lyrics. Yeah, I’m taking a cheezy shortcut here, but it’s either that or else go on and on and on about some sexy butts that I’ve seen over the years and nobody wants to hear about that stuff, do you?  Maybe later… lol.  So here’s the lyrics to the greatest “butt song” of all times.  And no, it’s not the “Thong Song”… I hated that song. It was kool and catchy at first, but after the first 40,000 times, eh….  No this is definitely the greatest “butt song” of all time.  It’s Sir Mix-A-Lot and the InFamous “Baby Got Back!”…


Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.It is so big. [scoff] She looks like,one of those rap guys’ girlfriends. But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff* They only talk to her, because,she looks like a total prostitute, ‘kay? I mean, her butt, is just so big. I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like,out there, I mean – gross. Look! She’s just so … black!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]

I like big butts and I can not lie You other brothers can’t deny That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough ‘Cause you notice that butt was stuffed Deep in the jeans she’s wearing I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring Oh baby, I wanna get with you And take your picture My homeboys tried to warn me But that butt you got makes me so horny Ooh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin You say you wanna get in my Benz? Well, use me, use me ‘Cause you ain’t that average groupie I’ve seen them dancin’ To hell with romancin She’s sweat, wet, Got it goin’ like a turbo ‘Vette I’m tired of magazines Sayin’ flat butts are the thing Take the average black man and ask him that She gotta pack much back So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!) Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)Tell ’em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!) Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!

(LA face with Oakland booty)

Baby got back!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]

I like ’em round, and big And when I’m throwin’ a gig I just can’t help myself, I’m actin’ like an animal Now here’s my scandal I wanna get you home And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh I ain’t talkin’ bout Playboy ‘Cause silicone parts are made for toys I want ’em real thick and juicy So find that juicy double Mix-a-Lot’s in trouble Beggin’ for a piece of that bubble So I’m lookin’ at rock videos Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin’ like hoes You can have them bimbos I’ll keep my women like Flo Jo A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya I won’t cuss or hit ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck* Till the break of dawn Baby got it goin’ on A lot of simps won’t like this song ‘Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it And I’d rather stay and play ‘Cause I’m long, and I’m strong And I’m down to get the friction on So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah} If you wanna roll in my Mercedes {Yeah!}Then turn around! Stick it out! Even white boys got to shout Baby got back!

Baby got back! Yeah, baby … when it comes to females, Cosmo ain’t got nothin’to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she’s 5’3”.

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin’ workout tapes by Fonda But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda My anaconda don’t want none Unless you’ve got buns, hun You can do side bends or sit-ups, But please don’t lose that butt Some brothers wanna play that “hard” role And tell you that the butt ain’t gold So they toss it and leave it And I pull up quick to retrieve it So Cosmo says you’re fat Well I ain’t down with that! ‘Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin’ And I’m thinkin’ bout stickin’ To the beanpole dames in the magazines: You ain’t it, Miss Thing! Give me a sister, I can’t resist her Red beans and rice didn’t miss her Some knucklehead tried to dis’ Cause his girls are on my list He had game but he chose to hit ’em And I pull up quick to get wit ’em So ladies, if the butt is round, And you want a triple X throw down, Dial 1-900-MIXALOT And kick them nasty thoughts Baby got back!

(Little in the middle but she got much back) [4x]

And there you go…  Back tomorrow.


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